Post wedding blues

I’m really sad about the way my wedding went.

It wasn’t what I wanted.  It wasn’t what we had planned for over a year, and what I have anticipated for years, and I desperately want a do-over.

So many things went wrong that I don’t really know where to start.  But I do know that I’m having to grieve the loss of the biggest, most important party of my life, and that I’m having to grieve the violation of my expectations, which has always been a tough one for me.

We had issues with a lot of vendors.  The bartender showed up late, our ceremony started late, the on site coordinator was shit and was often nowhere to be found.  The DJ introduced us with the wrong fucking name.  Staff started cleaning the wedding up before it was even over, and someone moved my evening bag from the sweetheart table, delaying our planned exit.  The town car was late picking us up at the end of the night, and then they even drove us to the wrong hotel.  The worst part, though, was that I suffered late stage heat exhaustion and eventually went to the ER in the wee hours of the morning after the wedding.

I’m pretty devastated.  I feel like I have postpartum, but for weddings.

A lot of things went right, and I did manage to have a good time, and I am so thankful that I was physically able to finish the wedding.  The ceremony was absolutely beautiful and went better than both Brian and I anticipated.  We wrote our own vows and they were absolutely perfect.  We made each other laugh and cry…. I got to marry my best friend in the whole world.

After the gorgeous ceremony and before I fell ill

After the gorgeous ceremony and before I fell ill

But there was so much I didn’t get to do that I really wanted to.  Brian and I didn’t get to do our planned first dance.  We didn’t get to do the father/daughter and mother/son dances.  I wasn’t able to wear my gorgeous dress for the whole night.  I barely tasted the food and I didn’t even get to try the ice cream sundae bar that I was just so, so excited about.  We didn’t get to go up on the hilltop and have the sunset pictures taken of us under the oak tree.  I was really looking forward to that.

So, as you can tell, I have a lot of mixed feelings.  They come and go depending on my mood and energy level.

I felt like I needed to write about this….but even as I read back what I just wrote, there’s just nothing I can put down that will accurately capture the sorrow and disappointment I feel.

I’m really working on honoring my feelings and allowing myself to feel sad about the bad parts, and happy about the good parts.  And I know it’s going to take a while before the happy outweighs the sad.

It makes me sadder still when I realized I was dreading being asked by friends and coworkers (and fellow bloggers) about how the wedding went.  It’s really hard to talk about when 1) the person asking is expecting a glowing report, and 2) I don’t feel like bursting into tears at work or in public or to someone I don’t know very well.

One thing that helps is when others don’t try to cheer me up, and instead allow me to feel sad about it.  Yes, I did get married, and yes, I have much to be thankful for.  But had Brian and I just wanted to be married, we would have gone to the courthouse a long time ago.  We wanted a celebration.  We wanted a wedding just like most others, and I feel robbed of that experience.  Of course I didn’t expect things to go perfectly, but I didn’t expect such a chaotic let down.

We leave for our honeymoon on Wednesday and my fear is that our sadness will get in the way of us having fun.  At times it probably will, and we’re anticipating needing to take some time to grieve together.  We also plan to have fun, and we know that having fun will be unavoidable because we’ll be on a boat in the Mediterranean and I’ll be stuffing my face with gelato and pizza.  And we’ll be with each other, because in the end, that’s all that matters.

This has been really hard to write, so thanks for reading this far.

Update – If you’d like to read about my healing process, the response to this blog post, and how I am doing more recently, please check out my post: Three Years Later.


392 responses

  1. Thanks to everyone for sharing. It is so nice to know I am not the only one who feels like this. I have always felt guilty for not feeling like my wedding day was ‘the best day of my life’ and not gushing about how wonderful it was when people ask like you are meant to.

  2. The funny thing is that recently, I watched something that wasn’t even about weddings…that actually helped me feel a bit better about my own rainy wedding day. I was watching the documentary about Queen Elizabeth’s coronation. I was surprised that she had some memories of how it went wrong. For instance, she said how uncomfortable and heavy her dress was…how heavy that crown is to wear…how uncomfortable the carriage ride is, just to get to the venue. These ceremonies are obviously not made for comfort!

    The documentary also said how other coronations also had things go not-quite-right. For instance, in prior coronations, people even put that crown on the king’s head backwards.

    I found something oddly comforting about that. I thought that well, if things don’t always go according to plan even for a coronation…they won’t for a wedding either. It somehow helped me release my own expectations that my wedding had to be according to “plan”.

    Over time, I have come to terms more with my rainy wedding. This might sound silly but in hindsight, the rainy landscape and my white dress gave an interesting Wuthering Heights look to my wedding (well, minus screaming “Heathcliff” lol). So now I choose to look at it as a Bronte-esque wedding, unique and perfectly suited to me (I loved the Bronte novels as a girl and still do)

    I hope everyone here can eventually heal. I’m getting there. Cheers to fellow brides!

    • I don’t think I can ever get past my wedding. Went into David’s bridal today to try on bridesmaid dresses. Definitely felt weird being there. All these women trying on dresses when I never did. Felt like I missed out on something special….. Oh well

  3. Pingback: Post Wedding Blues in the News | Psychobabble

  4. My wedding reception was just a few days ago, and I’m feeling more depressed than I could have ever imagined. Nothing went terribly wrong, but I’m feeling a tremendous amount of guilt over everything I “should have done”.
    I feel like the night was just a complete blur, though I don’t feel like I was too drunk. I just beating myself up for not spending more time on the dance floor, not spending more time with my family that traveled from hours away and spent lots of money to be there, not spending more time with my husband, and most of al missing my three year old daughter’s favorite songs that she wanted to dance to because I was too busy socializing. I just can’t get over all of those things. I just want to go back and do it all again. I’m even struggling to get out of bed 😕 It sounds ridiculous, but the amount of regret I have is just eating at me and I don’t know how to get over it.

  5. A recent conversation with a fellow bride (a good friend of mine) made me realize how the wedding industry sets up such unrealistic expectations for “perfect” weddings. It all started when she asked me for the wedding photos our photographer took of her and her husband, when they were guests at our wedding. She wanted to make a collage for her husband as a gift.

    I replied that was nice, but I was curious–why not use photos from her own wedding? I was curious why she wanted to use their wedding guest photos, rather than their bride and groom ones. She told me that, in all honesty, she was disappointed in her wedding photos and just prefers our photographer’s style (and she’s right that they’re very different. That’s one thing that went absolutely right, I wouldn’t trade our photographer for anybody).

    It’s funny that this whole time, I felt just a twinge of envy that she got beautiful, sunny weather for her wedding…but then, she was apparently envying me for my photographer and photos! My photos really must be great. Later on the coordinator at the venue asked for permission to use them in their promotional materials, because they’re so pretty.

    This whole time I’ve harbored this illusion that my wedding would have been just “perfect” if it hadn’t rained…but, who knows, maybe then, something else might have gone wrong in its place. My friend really did have the “perfect” weather for her wedding, but she still wasn’t 100% satisfied with everything either. If one thing doesn’t go wrong, another will.

    I remember a saying, “don’t let perfection be the enemy of the good”…and that’s what I’m trying to do now when I think back on the wedding. I’m trying to focus on the good, rather than get hung up on a “perfect” ideal that doesn’t really exist. My friend was right to be grateful for my photos, which still live on long after the wedding is over (and he made me look GOOD…heck, when I’m old and grey, I’ll look back on that fondly and think that dang, I was hot stuff LOL!)

    It’s still a work in progress but I’m gradually getting over it…and hope everyone else will also heal after processing their feelings.

    • Thank you for sharing that Christine. What a positive and realistic perspective. Those expectations are a bitch aren’t they. Perhaps the root of most suffering.

      I for one know I’m healing because I’m able to jam to the feel good songs that were played at my wedding again. Here’s to your healing and to all of us who are on that journey together.

      • Elle I think you’re right. Those expectations really are the root of our suffering. I find it interesting that the happiest bride I know, is someone who eloped (because their families disapproved of them marrying outside their race). She obviously had none of the trimmings that we’re socialized into wanting, like the fancy dress and cake, the big guest list, etc. Yet she’s happy as can be.

        Our wedding photographer also told us the story of another couple who originally planned a huge, extravagant wedding…but then, at the last minute, decided to just do a simple ceremony at the local city hall. They also seemed deliriously happy.

        I think they’re so happy because they somehow managed to release themselves from the “perfect wedding” expectations. They obviously knew they couldn’t expect a perfectly fancy party from eloping or going to city hall. Perhaps everyone would be happier without the pressure of living up to those unrealistic ideals.

        That’s a great idea, I think I’ll jam to our wedding songs too! Here’s to all of us on the healing journey.

  6. Wow!! So sad to see others have a bad wedding day, but at the same time glad I am not the only one sad. I just got married this past Saturday and have been so upset, sad, and angry! I worked so hard to ensure everything went well, I was not being unrealistic and expecting perfection, but it was awful! My husbands sister was late and her son was our ring bearer so he was not there, she refused to get him measured for his suit as well so we had just said can you measure him then since she was to busy to take him some where. She did not measure him correctly because when they did show up to the wedding the suit was awful!! The pants even with hem out were at his shins and my husband put him in all our photos, she then would not pay us for the suit so we had to pay for it when we asked her if she could afford to rent it when we asked him to be the ring bearer. That just seemed wrong to me and she never has said a word to me about it of course. We had a rehearsal on how everyone was suppose to walk and the people that run the church the day of the wedding insisted we walk a different way and it ruined everything!! I wanted to cry before I even went down the aisle, it was all messed up. I did not get to come out to my music like I was suppose to, it was awful. They did not let me go out for almost 10 minutes, my husband was sweating bullets he said he thought maybe I had changed my mind, no one knew what was going on. The preacher never really said anything because we did our own vows, I thought he was going to say a prayer over us and he did not. He just pronounced us husband and wife, super fast. It was so odd. We did photos prior to the reception, my husband left me out of every photo with his family so already me being emotional about the ceremony I was upset that he did that. I have him in all the photos with my side of the family, but I am in NOT ONE photo of any with his family. Then we get to reception and find out my dad and his wife left for some reason, after that people just ate and left. We never got to eat, we never got to do our dance, bouquet toss, nothing! Everyone just ate then started leaving like it was a restaurant. It was so odd and very rude. We spent thousands to have a nice reception and everyone just left once they got their food. If I could go back I would never of had a wedding, it was one of the worst days and I am so upset and angry that I just do not know how to get over it. Then not that I expected gifts, but I did not have a shower so we thought people would bring cards/gifts to the reception… apparently that is not what you do because our guest did not. We had maybe 5 cards, it was the most odd wedding ever and I wish we had taken all the money, energy, and time we put into the reception for our guest and spent it on a private ceremony and went on a better honeymoon.

    • Oh wow that sounds awful and you have every right to be upset and angry. I’m actually getting angry at these people on your behalf, just reading that. Not to say that I WANT someone to be upset and angry…but, just to say that it’s perfectly understandable to feel that way in these circumstances. I would never invalidate how you feel. Your guests should be ashamed of themselves. Not to say that people are obliged to spend an arm and leg but yes, it is customary to bring gifts and wish the couple well! I’ve never seen a wedding without gifts. And yes, people should have at least stayed for the dance!

      If I were a guest at a friend’s disastrous wedding, I’d be scrambling to try to make her feel better, not just leaving her. When I was disappointed about the rainy weather at my wedding, my friends did what they could to cheer me up. One of them came prepared with cute matching umbrellas, and then they arranged a really cute, fun photoshoot with me and the photographer with those umbrellas. It’s amazing how it helped me. Those actually turned into some of my favorite photos. If the shoe were on the other foot, I’d also be doing whatever I could to make things better. I would reevaluate those so-called friends. REAL friends don’t ditch their friends in their hour of need.

      I’d also be angry at my husband if he’d done that to me. My husband and photographer made sure we had a good balance of photos of both sides of the family. I hope it was some oversight and he didn’t do it intentionally.

      If it makes you feel better, I’d rip every one of those people a new one. I’d leave a negative review of that venue and also directly tell them how they let you down. It was NOT cool of them to suddenly change the timing of the walks. If they wanted something different, they should have rehearsed it that way. I’d leave a negative review wherever I can, and let everyone who upset you know how you feel. Believe me that bottling feelings in will make it worse.

      I’d also tell my husband that after that, he owes me the world’s best vacation/honeymoon to make up for it! I’m so sorry you went through this nonsense.

    • I am so sorry that your wedding didn’t go as you had planned. You have every right to be upset. I went through “post-wedding blues” as well, in fact I still do but I feel much better now. I just want to tell you that it is ok if you’re upset, sad or even angry about what happened. It is okay to honour those feelings. From my experience, it’s better to let all the feelings out rather than pretending that everything was perfect. Heck I even wrote about it on my blog because I was too upset about some things that happened at my wedding. Just know that you’ve tried your best and give yourself a pat on the back for working so hard on your wedding. I’ve come to a conclusion that wedding is overrated. I know I may sound so bitter but it’s the truth. I hope you recover from this post-wedding blues soon. I’m sure there are far more amazing things that will happen to you in the future.


    • I am really sorry you had that kind of experience. You are completely right to be upset. You look amaxing if it’s any consolation. I am still bitter and upset about my wedding and it’s been almost 2 years. I don’t think I will ever get over it. I just can’t let go the fact that I never tried on dresses, no shower, only 8 guest (small wedding because we moved, I had no job, and my husband wanted me to have health insurance… everything was planned in a month). It just sucks because as an adult you don’t celebrate milestones like when you are a child. Hopefully time heals all wounds.

  7. You’re 100% right in needing to grieve, sounds crazy but it is a loss. You worked so hard, out so much of yourself into creating a special day for you, your new husband, family and friends and to be robbed of the complete experience is heartbreaking

    Just coming back from my wedding I was devastated. Just one hour before walking down the isle my husband to be ended up in emergency, for illness we still haven’t come to the bottom of.
    We waited as long as we could, but I eventually went down to have drinks and dinner with our guests as it was already layed out and everyone was already there – which I was so stressed, dehydrated and exhausted I could barely eat anything let alone enjoy myself not knowing what was wrong with my partner. We had to do everything backwards… it was just extremely awkward.
    My partner eventually was able to make it, dosed up on morphine, we were married at 10pm at night. We were in Thailand, meant to be married at Sunset…
    Once we rushed through the ceremony, no pictures of us were taken as we needed to then rush through the speeches and cut the cake. We never got to have our first dance, throw the bouquet plus much more as straight back to the hospital we went.. 1.5 hr later.
    We had this beautiful resort room booked for a few days.. which we never got to use as we spent our whole time in the hospital – for results that all came back clear.
    I’m gutted. I feel guilty for feeling this way but so angry, so disappointed that my partner and I are good people, we always are caring and putting ourselves out for others and the one day that was meant to be for us just came crashing down around us. It just seemed cruel…. we will never get this day back ever again and it’s heartbreaking.

  8. Interesting. I ended up here after googling “no honeymoon” because of the resentment I feel towards my husband about us not going on honeymoon even though I know he’s semi-employed and couldn’t have afforded it.

    As for the wedding, our families handled it and I tried to minimise expectations to avoid disappointment. I also read a lot of wedding horror stories so I would know it could really be worse, but guess what?! I still got disappointed. Weeks to the day, we found out our slot at church had been given away so we had to hurry through the service and I missed all my favourite hymns, my tailored dress turned out to be sooo tight I could hardly breathe and didn’t eat a thing… and so on. I try not to think about the bad parts.

  9. I feel you. I just had my wedding back in October and I still can’t get over the fact that we couldn’t do our first dance (we paid the choreographer & practiced) and I was sick the whole time! The ceremony started late (there’s a miscommunication between my mom and my wedding team, my mom went mad & refused to cooperate) and because it was already dusk when the ceremony ended, we didn’t get to do family pics and couple pics. My wedding planner had to cut down a bunch of things that was supposed to happen on the reception (dance etc) because we had to get out of the venue by 10pm. On top of that I was so sick and couldn’t eat the whole time. After the reception I couldn’t go to the after party (I rarely party with friends and I was so excited about it). I’m thankful for the good things of course. At the end of the day I got to marry my man but same as you, I’m still “grieving”. I tried so hard to focus on the good side but sometimes it still haunts me and I can’t help it. Quite a few people ruined the wedding by creating drama and I hate them for it. I normally can let things go so fast but I don’t know why I can’t let these regrets go. Like you said, I feel robbed of the experience. I don’t even want to look at our pictures or talk to people about it because it will remind me of the bad things.

    Thank you for sharing your experience.

  10. It’s true. Society does put a lot of pressure and energy into “the perfect wedding” and when it’s not perfect you feel like crap. I too have found (from reading this blog and the comments) that there are alot of special moments in the future that can be cherished. You may have one time to get the wedding right (maybe lol), but you do get over it as time goes on. I am currently a bridesmaid and it was very hard for me at first since I didn’t go through any of this (no shower, a quick dress, no Bachelorette party, 8 hlguest in attendance) but it is getting easier and the jealousy is going away. I may not have found memories of my wedding but I am going on an awesome honeymoon (a year late but it’s ok). It does get easier and it is ok to not think of your wedding day as being the best day of your life

    • I’m glad it’s getting easier for you. I think those “perfect” weddings only exist in the glossy bridal magazines (precisely because they’re not real lol). I really don’t know any bride…anywhere…who had things go 100% according to plan on that day. Seriously. Perhaps there isn’t anything wrong with us for not being 100% euphoric, but there’s something wrong with the unrealistic expectation that we SHOULD be!

  11. Well, I really do feel for all of you…but it also helps to read other people’s stories and feel a bit less alone. I feel really silly admitting this, but I was very disappointed to have a rainy wedding day. It just wasn’t the picturesque, sunny hillside wedding that I had imagined. We ended up having to move our lovely arbor into the alleyway of the building and while it wasn’t terrible…it just wasn’t what I had dreamed of. We also couldn’t take certain photos in certain spots, because of the rain.

    In my logical, rational mind I do know that the weather is just Mother Nature, and that there’s no point in being depressed about something that no one could control! However, in my emotional mind, I still can’t help being just a bit disappointed about that, even a month after the fact. I waited 37 years to finally find the right person for me and after waiting so long for that moment…I felt let down about that, somehow.

    This will also sound silly, but I really wonder if our marriage was cursed somehow. Just a month before our wedding, I served as a bridesmaid for a very good friend of mine. My mother had told me not to do that. There is an Asian superstition that three months before the wedding, the bride and/or groom shouldn’t attend any funerals or weddings, because that’s bad luck. For a split second, I really wondered if I had cursed us both by keeping my promise to my friend and still being a bridesmaid at her wedding.

    However, I am really trying to get through this. The best man told me that his own wedding was in similar weather conditions…and he’s been happily married for the last seven years, so perhaps it wasn’t some sort of curse. Our best man had also attended a funeral shortly before his wedding, so maybe there isn’t anything to that either!

    I’m also trying to be more upbeat and focus on what DID go right. On the positive side, our wonderful vendors were all timely and did a great job for us. My hair and makeup stylists did a beautiful job, and gave me a gorgeous look (which was even better than at the trial!) The photographer worked well with the conditions to produce beautiful photos that I still love to look at–and we even had some cute umbrella shots with friends (and romantic umbrella shots with the two of us). Towards the end it was just a light drizzle, so I was also able to get nice shots without the umbrellas as well. Most of all, I’ll never forget the way my husband beamed at me as I came down the aisle, and how I felt finally marrying my best friend.

    Perhaps our culture places too much pressure on couples to be 100% euphoric about our weddings, and I feel let down for having more mixed emotions. In the end, though, I try to remind myself that at the end of the day, I am married to the person who I am positive is right for me in every way–and that’s all that matters.

    Thanks for letting me go on and on…after all this babbling and getting this off my chest, I feel better now!

    • I know that it may feel/sound silly to feel the way you do (and to write it all out), but we all know from experience that these feelings aren’t rational or logical – they just are. And that’s ok. I’d feel the same way you do if that happened to me.
      Thanks for reading and commenting!

      • Thanks for that validation. This culture places so much pressure on brides, that they “should” feel euphoric about their weddings. For once, it’s good to be in a place where it’s okay not to be, and to just feel whatever we feel.

    • Your comment was so helpful to me. I had a similar experience. We got married three weeks ago at my family home and we had a very bad storm the day of our wedding. It rained heavily, non stop. It started at 2 a.m. and poured the entire day. I had planned a very DIY, handmade, garden party type celebration with an outdoor ceremony, lawn games, and a large reception tent. We were supposed to get married in a very special spot between two cedar trees with our neighbor’s barn and horse pastures behind us. My husband and I were tracking the weather and knew all week that we would have bad weather. We set up a really nice plan B wedding with everything taking place inside the wedding tent. We implemented all of the rain contingency tenting and heating but the heavy rain and a leak where to two tents came together saturated the ground inside the tent so badly that we almost couldn’t use it. My neighbor came to the rescue with ply wood, paving stones, and tons of rugs. I never got to wear my wedding shoes. I got married in rain boots. My mom had to wear her crocs. No one ever saw the beautiful train on my dress. It had to be bustled as soon as I put it on and I spent the day literally dragging it through puddles and getting it filthy. I spent the whole morning sobbing and when I look at the pictures I look happy but haggard (and drugged. I had a panic attack after discovering the condition of the tent in the morning and had to take a valium). So many things went really well. Our pictures, food, flowers, sound guy, officiant and bands were all great. BUT I can’t stop thinking about all of the things we missed. All of the things I conceptualized, bought, made, and planned that I never got to use or do. My shoes, my train, sunset pictures, lawn games, my ceremony arch, yard decorations, my processional, the post reception bonfire, my confetti recessional, etc. I almost feel like my wedding never happened because so many things were missing or drastically reduced/changed. I feel like a bad person for being disappointed. I feel judged by my family and friends for being disappointed. Everyone expects me to be happy with how it all turned out. My mom yelled at me when I had my panic attack on the wedding day after discovering how bad the tent was. I’m having a hard time forgiving her for not being supportive of me on what was the most stressful day of my life. I’ve been mostly avoiding her since because I don’t want to to have to talk about the wedding and pretend I feel good about it.

      • I really do understand how you feel. As you can see you’re far from alone. I say, just let yourself process whatever emotions you have. You’re entitled to your feelings and aren’t compelled to put on a fake “happy” face! Not for your mother, not for anybody. You’re not a bad person for being disappointed, but just human. It’s only natural to be disappointed when something you’ve invested so much in, doesn’t turn out as you expected. I would have had a panic attack too!

        Months later, I’m now enjoying a wonderful marriage and I’m feeling a lot better about it…I still enjoy looking back at our engagement and wedding photos. But there is still that niggling little disappointment. However, I’ve learned to just let myself feel that. We aren’t “bad” people for feeling as we do. I think our society just needs to let go of this myth of the “perfect” blissful bride, because that just doesn’t exist.

      • “I almost feel like my wedding never happened because so many things were missing or drastically reduced/changed.” This quote resonated so much with me; I feel similarly. I hope reading all these comments gives you permission to feel disappointed.

  12. Hi, I wrote a comment here last year and I wanted to share a quick follow-up. I had a birthday party this year after several years of not having one. My sister wanted to gift me with a cake and asked what I wanted. I chose a two-tiered one, because at our wedding, our cake order (from a professional) was executed very poorly and I just wanted a nice cake in my life. She made it for my birthday. I was a bit worried that I might be “overdoing it” for “just” a birthday, but it was lovely and it really helped with the disappointment at the wedding. So when people say “try a do-over”, it doesn’t only mean you have to do another wedding to feel better. It might help to do the special things (photo shoot, cake, a special dress/ makeup artist, a party with dancing) either separately or together to commemorate other occasions. It helped me with the “I had ONE CHANCE at a fancy cake and it went wrong” feeling so much! My sister and her husband had a formal brunch to celebrate their third baby’s baptism (the others were DIY and they missed having everyone come together) and served a heart-shaped strawberry cake, which she wanted for the wedding years ago but couldn’t have. Maybe this could help someone else, too. I understand it’s also a cost issue, but one thing you care about might work out for your next birthday/anniversary. You’re not pathetic for wanting to celebrate.

      • That is a good idea. For me it was all about the wedding gown. I have been looking for an amazing formal dress to wear. It’s not a wedding gown, but I am hoping it will make me feel special and give closure.

    • What a wonderful idea! That helps take away from that feeling of, “I only had that ONE chance to have a special moment and blew it”. I feel much better after me and my husband planned our honeymoon to a tropical paradise…so I will have a celebration of my marriage in beautiful weather, just not on my wedding day. In the future, there will also be other opportunities with birthdays/anniversaries, etc to have a special celebration. Thanks for sharing that thought!

  13. My wedding dreams were interrupted by moving out of state. My husband got a job offer and we had to move 3 months after we got engaged from denver to sacramento. I was already looking at places and calling venues. All of that went out the window. I didn’t have a job in the new state and my husband was concerned about me having health insurance so we got married on the fly…. immediate family only flew in(mine from new York and his from north dakota), found a dress online from dillards. A lot of people said at least it wasn’t stressful. But it was. My grandma had beginning stages of dementia and I was worried about her the whole time. Then there was the pressure of entertaining people. I didn’t get to do any of the traditional events that go with getting married. No trying on of dresses, no engagement photos, no bachelor parties, no bridal shower. I did NOTHING. Now I am a bridemaid in my friends wedding. I am happy and excited but very sad because what I cared abut most was my wedding dress. Like most people the most important thing is I married the love of my life. But the fact is my wedding day was not the best day of my life. I have been married for almost a year and I am still having these feelings. I know we can renew our vows but it is not the same as the first time. Can someone please give me some advice on how to overcome these feelings and move on.

    • Sounds like such a letdown. I guess what I’d say is focus on what you can change and allow yourself to feel sad/mad/whatever about what happened and what you can’t change. I hope eventually, with work and time, you’ll feel at peace with it. Thanks for commenting.

  14. I can relate, 1.5 years of endless planning and $50,000 later on the ‘perfect’ wedding and all I remember are the bad things that happened:
    My parents turned up late because they were ‘last minute shopping’.
    Bridemaid got drunk (not fun tipsy, all over the place drunk) before we got to the church.
    My hair was flat and not at all like my trial, my ears were sticking out which I hate in my pics.
    My bridemaid brought her own clothes and decided to wear them instead and spent the day apologising she was drunk which got old fast.
    His mother insisted I changed to a family dress halfway through the day, it was a cheaply made horrible dress that didn’t fit me.
    A bus we paid for to take guests home turned up an hour before planned (just as we were getting to dance) and swept all my friends away home so I didnt get to speak to them.
    All the rest of the people disappeared to the bar next door, leaving me and husband practically alone one the dancefloor.
    I got none of the food because ppl kept interuppting me when I tried to eat, including his family wanting more pictures (during the dinner!)
    The photographer turned up late and had a strange setting on the backdrop of all the pics which can’t be changed.
    Our minister got sick halfway through the ceremony and cut it short and told everyone to leave the church before we walked out so we were pushing past a crowd to get out of the church :( pics are awful from that. We were also too early for the hotel so nothing was ready.
    The hotel disn’t have enough food and we paid a fortune for it all.
    10 guests (a whole table of family) didn’t even turn up and we had to pay for them.
    All his family did was demand and did not help with anything at all on the day.
    Important people flew into the wrong airport.
    The hotel accidentally threw out the cake! No going back from that once its done.
    Alot of things I hate about the day but the silver lining is I married the perfect husband for me and in future I’ll be focusing us instead of anyone else!!

  15. Oh ladies, I’m not a religious gal but THANK GOD for all of you. I’m so sorry your days didn’t go as planned but I hope it helps to know that this little support group as it were can be here for us all.

    What I try to do, and I’ve seen it mentioned on here before, is really focus, almost hyper-focus on the good things that did happen. As long as good things did happen, try to remember those moments all you can and push the other stuff away. I’ll give you my story as an example-

    Mine was supposed to be a beach wedding, planned a year and a half out in advance with every detail to the T. I have loved the beach since I was a kid so it was a big deal for me. It had been sprinkling and raining on and off throughout the day, but I was told by the wedding coordinator (who, incidentally, was a disaster….she forgot to call a shuttle to bring my husband and the groomsmen from the resort hotel room to the resort itself, she shoved my bridesmaids and me into a crowded bar to wait for her at one point, she called my photographer “pushy” -the photographer is my cousin who, actually, was pretty pushy because she was trying to get past this woman’s inept ability to do her job. (She -the wedding co-was actually fired several months later.) So, you know, that’s who we were dealing with. An hour before the ceremony, the rain stopped and the weather radar looked clear of further rain, so we all lined up to get shuttles to the beach. OF COURSE THOUGH, then it started to pour. Like, really pour. I looked behind me to tell our coordinator we needed a new plan and she was….gone. Like, nowhere to be found. We had to figure out next steps on our own.

    That’s the whole part I hope I can someday laugh about. It was almost a year ago and it still hurts. But the rest of the night….

    We ended up getting married on this beautiful mahogany staircase- think Titanic- with all our guests looking up at us. My husband actually told me later that he loved it more than he would have enjoyed a beach ceremony. From there on, it was wonderful. The reception rocked. And the second there was no more rain, my cousin grabbed my husband and I to get outside and get these unreal beach shots that look like they’re from a magazine. So now I have a great photo album to look at, plus we had a great videographer to help me remember all the lovely speeches and first dances and getting ready pre-wedding with my bridesmaids.

    THAT is what I try to remember about my big day. If I could just erase that hour beforehand with all the confusion and chaos, which definitely felt like a disaster at the time…..well, that would be great. But yes, sometimes I do still get caught up in the sadness. Particularly today, when I saw an old Facebook friend’s beach ceremony pictures. 😔 I hate to feel jealous and I would love to just feel happy for her. I hope someday I do!

    So it’s time for me to take my own advice and hyper-focus on the great parts again….let me know if this works for you!

    Another thing that helped somewhat was calling the resort and taking them through step by step all of the mistakes they had made and how it directly impacted the day. They apologized and offered us a free dinner. Petty? Perhaps. But it did help me to feel better.

    • Great advice! We also complained to each and every vendor who failed us (there were many) and the good ones made it right. We also left appropriate Yelp reviews because no one should have to deal with the shit we did.
      Thanks again and take care!

      • Good, I’m really glad you did that. I don’t know if it felt the same for you, but in my case I think part of my frustration was feeling so helpless, like, “Are you people KIDDING me? Did we not plan this out together or what?” Being able to leave honest reviews kind of helps take at least some of that feeling of helplessness away, at least I hope it did for you. I hope your honeymoon was amazing, incidentally.

    • Great advice about hyper focusing on the good parts. I’m getting so much comfort from finding people with similar experiences and feelings. I thought I was feeling better about having a monsoon on the day of my outdoor wedding. Then I saw facebook posts from two different friends who had gorgeous weather outdoor weddings just three weeks after our wedding. I felt sick with jealousy when I looked at their pictures. That was the wedding I planned and wanted so much and I didn’t get to have it.

      • It’s amazing how similar our experiences are. The day after my own rainy day wedding, the sun came out! I was like, seriously? I did feel a pang of jealousy, thinking about the sunny weddings the other couples would be having after us. You really aren’t alone or abnormal for feeling that way at all. Not that my wedding didn’t also have many good parts. But yeah, I was disappointed with Mother Nature!

        Somehow, brides are the few people in society who aren’t really “allowed” to be disappointed over negative experiences. For instance, we don’t tell losing athletes not to feel disappointed over losing a game. No one tells candidates not to feel disappointed about losing big political elections. No one tells these people that they’re “ungrateful” for feeling disappointment. I think we’re just as entitled to our feelings (the good, the bad and the ugly) as anyone else.

  16. Pingback: Three Years Later | Psychobabble

  17. I just got married and am having regrets as well so it’s nice to know I’m not alone. There were a lot of little things that went wrong but the biggest was my parents got into a fight outside the church leading to a very uncomfortable ride to the reception. I’m mad at them that they couldn’t avoid fighting for just one day and it affected my only wedding day. I don’t want to confront them because there were many things they did to help and I know it would upset them to know I’m upset.

    • It sounds like any healing you do will have to be done by you and for you (as opposed to, say, waiting for an apology from your parents in order to heal, for example).
      I’m sorry you had to go through that, and I hope everything feels better with time.
      Take care and thanks for reading.

  18. I woke up this morning also feeling blue about how my wedding turned out. I cried so much on my honeymoon and felt so embarassed. The two most disastrous parts of my wedding were my DIY floral arrangements and that it started two hours late, both situations could have been avoided with better planning and more help. Wish I could have a do over and wondering if this disappointment will ever go away.

  19. I read your post and even though it’s a couple years now I believe, I feel sad for you.

    I can relate but as the Mother of the Bride.

    So far, dress shopping for my daughter was disastrous, she was at the time 50lbs overweight and we should have waited to go dress shopping.

    Since then, we’ve had the dress she ended up selecting, that I paid for, remodeled, and modeled again and again. I still don’t believe she’s happy with it. This, after I’ve Svowrski Crystal’d it from top to bottom.

    I gave her a “something blue”, my diamond earrings, she then decided she didn’t like those. I bought her a David Yurman necklace for her birthday/wedding gift and she didn’t like that.

    My MOB dress, she told me she doesn’t like it because, it’s going to “show her up”, which it only will because I’ll be happy in my dress.

    My sweet girl, I don’t know you but I feel your hurt and disappointment. No one can tell you to move on, get over it, other otherwise.

    I’m hoping the wedding day will go well. I pray she will be happy. Lately, everything is wrong, inconvenient, or whatever.

    I put on a beautiful shower for her and I barely got a thank you. Her future mother in law did not help one bit. Her step mother would not do a combined shower, and virtually copied everything I did. My daughter gushed and praised her like she won the Noble Peace Prize.

    Again, I feel your pain and am going to counseling myself right now. Tomorrow it will be 30 days until the wedding.

    We went for her dress fitting tonight and I can tell she is still not happy with it.

    Try to look forward to your continued life with your new husband. My husband bless his heart feels for me, but he doesn’t always understand. Men want to “fix it” and for us to “move on”.

    I’m curious now, how are you doing? How are you both doing?

    Best wishes to you my dear. You were a lovely bride!

    • Hello, and thanks for your comment! First of all, I hope your daughter’s wedding goes well. If it doesn’t, I hope she’s able to find peace with it.
      As for me, time definitely helps, but it still hurts when I think about it. And honestly, I don’t ever expect that hurt to completely go away. I do dream about getting to renew vows in some tropical location where NOBODY else is invited – which would be fun! Would it erase the hurt? Nope. And I’m cool with that.
      Good luck to you!

  20. 2:02am and I Google “how to get over my messy wedding”. Its been 6montha and its nice to know I’m not crazy and alone. Our wedding was great in some ways and crappy in others. Mainly coz of the bad photographers. no shots of my guests..only grooms side since the photographer was a friend from their side. No immedate family pics…no pics with close friends. No one recorded my entrance. It happened so fast and we planned as much as we could but sigh. Reading these posts is helpful.. Hope everyone including myself finds peace.

  21. After spending another evening wide awake stressing about our wedding 10 weeks ago it’s good to know I’m not on my own. We did have an amazing day and I don’t feel down at all in the sense of ‘post wedding Blues’ and am so happy to have married my best friend, but I constantly feel worried and stressed about things that weren’t perfect.
    The night before my wedding one of my bridesmaids really let me down and it has affected our relationship ever since. Her and my other girls from school made no effort to dance and have fun with me and I barely saw them all day. She even tried to leave without saying goodbye. To make me feel worse, another girl in our group got married 3 weeks later and the girls, including my bridesmaid, couldn’t have done more for her and I can’t help but compare.
    We had a photobooth that I was so excited about which was a disaster and the guy running it was so rude and ruined our guest book, which upset me on the evening.
    Our photographs went on for far too long and I feel like I missed out on time chatting to our guests.
    My husband went to the loo as the last song of the evening started and I had a meltdown because I couldn’t find him which I massively regret as people are still talking about it – luckily our amazing band played it again!!
    I know I had fun and at the end of the day I married my husband which is what matters, but I feel like I’m constantly trying to convince myself that I had fun. I’m a massive worrier anyway and always feel under pressure for things to be perfect. I think the situation with my friends doesn’t help as I feel so resentful and don’t know how to let go of it all – it’s so much easier said than done!!

  22. I’m literally laying awake dwelling on my wedding googled “want to go back and fix my wedding” and found your post. I knew I couldn’t be the only one dwelling on the things that didn’t go to plan or were straight out forgotten or overlooked. It’s coming up the two month mark and there are still nights like tonight that I lay awake thinking of what I wish I could change. I honestly don’t feel like I had any fun at my own wedding. Some parts were fun and lovely of course, but if I had to rate my overall wedding experience it kinda sucked and I feel like it’s my fault. I planned it all myself in only six months from engagement to wedding date so I think I did a pretty good job considering but so many things could have been better planned. I was so absorbed that everyone else have a good time and everything to be how I wanted it to be that I never relaxed and enjoyed myself. It’s not the post wedding blues that I read in wedding websites about my perfect day being over and since I don’t have everyone’s attention I’m feeling forgotten and it’s making me sad it’s different than just the day being over its all the things that went wrong and my false expectations that are keeping me up at night. Worst part is my husband isn’t a citizen of my country and works on a cruise ship so I don’t even have him in my life right now he left a month after the wedding and I won’t see him again until May. I’m still living at home and had to box up all our wedding gifts because I don’t have any idea when he’ll be in the country permanently and we can get a place of our own. I can’t move on and get excited by the next thing as a distraction because our lives are a pile of unknowns. And my single friends aren’t much help because they say well at least your married and my married friends don’t get it because they have their husbands houses and now babies to keep them occupied.

    • Ugh. That sucks all around, and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better, but I hope that you know you’re not alone in how you feel.

  23. I am so glad I am not the only one feeling like this. With the lead up to the wedding it should be exciting and happy times but was not that way for me. So many arguments over silly little things with my family. Which I understood, I am the first to get married in my family and my parents were helping to pay for it but it wasn’t their day it was mine and my husbands. I had to negotiate on a few things but luckily the major things I made them come around.
    I just got our photos this week and to say I’m disappointed is an understatement! We had two photographers and they were shooting for about 8 hours. We got 400 photos and I’m not too impressed by them. Only a handful are of my husband and I which aren’t horrible but they also aren’t great. There is only one of my family and my dad isn’t even looking at the camera! I was just so so excited to get them back and I know I have the memories of the day and all but you also want to be able to look back over the day as well. As soon as we entered the reception we wanted to mingle with guests and get photos with them and our photographers disappeared! Couldn’t find them until entree was served which was 45 minutes later!
    It is such a big day and moment in your life and you want it to be truly special and a perfect day but it doesn’t always go to plan – No matter how much planning goes into it.

  24. I’m comforted to read I’m not alone in my disappointment , one of the hardest parts after my wedding was feeling like I had to just put on a happy face, because whenever I started to try telling people why I was disappointed/grieving I was brushed off and told to ‘just be grateful for what I had’.

    I’m devastated by our wedding. We rushed our wedding to make sure my husbands mother could be there as he was about to deploy overseas with the army and we were told she probably wouldn’t be alive when he came back. I explained to my husband my mixed feelings, on one hand I really really felt for him (it would be hard to have your mum pass away while you’re deployed and knowing she made it to your wedding and was there I can really understand why that was important to him), but at the same time, I was really worried I would resent things by rushing the wedding. He assured me his family would help us out with rushing the wedding etc. and even though rushing the wedding would mean I’d have to move interstate (prior my plan for while he was deployed was to stay living close to my friends and family) that the army would give me a great house etc and we’d save lots and money and everything would be fine, we’d be able to pull this off. So I agreed although I knew it meant I couldn’t have my close friends there and bridesmaids, as I figured having family there was more important and we and our families would pull together to pull the wedding off in time and give us support.

    Long story short his family did nothing to help (said they were too poor, although they had money to go on a holiday after our wedding and help three of their children out with deposits for houses straight after our wedding and then completely renovate their own house), his sister told us that no one wanted him to marry me anyway but she was the only one honest enough to say so, his other sister who was supposed to make the cake bailed at the last minute (which then ended up with me having to make the cake as we couldn’t get anyone else to make with so little notice, which was enormously stressful), the house the army gave us was miserable and miles from anyone i did know (after moving interstate) which i had to live in on my own while my husband deployed immediately after our wedding for up to 8 months, i really wanted nice photos to look back on but they were terrible and there were no nice candid ones of us at the reception like i wanted (bc his family hogged our photographer and the ‘photobooth’ all night so all we have are photos of his family and my husband and his friends but none of the two of us), I didn’t get to have my close friends there as bridesmaids to support me through all of this (because we rushed the wedding and they were overseas) or other close friends from uni who i would have loved to be at the wedding. Plus I was uncomfortable with my makeup and hair (I didn’t get to have a proper hair and makeup trial as everything was so rushed particularly with having to make the cake etc. plus my mum invited another person along on the day to use my makeup artist without asking me or the makeup artist which frazzled the makeup artist), I didn’t get to have a hens night, when I told my mother-in-law at the wedding I was disappointed that a lot of close friends and bridesmaids couldn’t be there she just bristled at me etc. etc.

    I am so disappointed not just by the wedding itself, but even more so that I feel cheated and let down by people like my husband and his supposedly ‘Christian’ family.

    I think you are completely right to say you should/will honor your feelings. A lot of extra hurt has been caused by people telling me I have no right to feel disappointment or hurt and to just get over it. The truth is a wedding is a big event and it’s pretty hard to just get over something as big as this. It makes me feel better that I’m not alone.

    • I really feel for you. Merging two families is never easy. I too was really upset after my wedding with my fiancée for putting his family above me. We ended up seeking counseling to work through it. I hope you can find peace too.

      • Not sure to whom you’re asking the question, Sally, so just in case – I haven’t renewed vows yet, although I’d like to for maybe the 5th or 10th reunion (it’s been 2.5 years since we got married).
        We did get some counseling and we had a little do-over wedding photo shoot with our photographer, who turned out to be great, and that did help a lot.
        Take care!

  25. h3y
    so sorry that it did nt went as you wanted it to, i have been married for over 3 years now and still cant get over my wedding disaster too, i hope and pray you get over yours soon and never ever get to feel like this.
    in my country, sometimes the brides cousins n friends stop the groom from sitting with his wife until he gives them some money, its just a fun thing to do but my husband got so mad that he left me sitting there, in front of the whole gathering, insulted my family and went to the food tables
    my mother cried in front of everyone because of that, i had a horrid wedding and then my father apologized even though it was nt even our fault
    to this day, i cant see the pics of that day without getting angry and sad again, i have never seen the video because i dont think i could stand that
    had i not had a daughter, i might have even left the guy
    i am happy with him now, but that one day is still a sore spot for me
    i wish you all lifez happiness and peace dear

  26. My wedding is this Saturday and were supposed to be hot with a hurricane :( all this money spent on a beautiful venue for nothing. And now we have to rent a tent which we really don’t have money for. I already feel bummed and I’m scared it’s going to ruin my wedding.

    • I know you didn’t ask for advice, so I hope you forgive me when I say- just try to let go of your expectations and focus on having fun. Imagine the worst case scenario, like pouring rain and you are soaking wet, and then imagine yourself being soaked and happy, laughing hysterically.
      I hope you have fun this Saturday and congrats!!!

  27. My wedding also wasn’t what I wanted and I’m feeling robbed and I want to fix it but don’t know how. I’m glad some one else understands especially the overwhelming sadness when a coworker asks you how your wedding went and you don’t what to lie and you don’t want to complain and your just sad so many feelings I can’t even write a coherent sentence to explain it. I’m also worried that our honeymoon will turn out like like our wedding a huge disaster ._.

    • I’m hoping that your honeymoon can be what you make of it, and that if you tweak your expectations of it, that you can ensure you’ll have fun and relax.
      I’m so sorry your wedding wasn’t what you wanted. Hopefully you’ll find a way to come to terms with it in a way that suits your needs, whether it’s taking new pictures, renewing vows in a few years, or just some time and contemplation.
      Good luck to you and thanks for reading!

  28. Wow I can’t believe that there are so many people who feel EXACTLY like I do ! There were so many missteps leading up to my wedding, and I too am being tortured by would’ve could’ve should’ve. I’m terrible at planning things and just got so overwhelmed that I started saying “whatever I don’t care” and my husband and I were saying “well the weddings not important it’s about us being married” which is partially true, but why spend thousands of dollars and hours of time planning something that “doesn’t matter”. My dress for instance, was not altered correctly or done up properly and there was a huge gap between my chest and my dress, my hair fell out before the ceremony ended, my makeup artist never gave me a proper trial so I was unhappy with how I looked in front of all of my friends and family on the day I was supposed to look most beautiful. I was so worried about it raining that I picked an ugly shelter for the ceremony I got so worked up about writing something “perfect” that i hardly wrote anything at all and my speech consisted of thanking the vendors (all of who screwed up). Our photographer was HORRIBLE and asked me the day of the wedding if I gave her a shot list, which I did.. to which she replied oh well I don’t have it. The DJ messed up the tribute to my late dad, dinner was late but the food was actually good. I’m just so disappointed with what was supposed to be such an incredible day and yeah there will be other celebrations. . But this is a tough one to get past. :(

      • Thanks, it definetly helps to vent a little bit to people who can understand where you’re coming from without the judgement of “not being grateful” 😒

    • Not to mention the fact that the person who made my garter screwed up so I couldn’t even wear it, had to make one out of ribbon, then the DJ forgot to do the bouquet and garter toss, our photographer left us for at least 30 mins when we changed locations and said she was ‘waiting for us’, got ONE shot of myself with my husband and step daughter, ONE horrible shot of the whole wedding party, got zero shots of my husbands family, I ended up with a pair of $5 flip flops because every pair of shoes I bought ended up being ‘wrong’ -again I did this to myself, one of my bridesmaids had a fake allergic reaction (as I later found out she had asked her boyfriend to pick her up and then got in a fight with him when he told her no) and I had to call 911 for her.

  29. I’m sorry to hear how you feel, as I am in the exact same boat ( so I know your disappointment you’re experiencing). I got married may 30 and am everything but happy with the outcome of my wedding. I have been tortured with couldves and shouldves for the past two weeks and could barely enjoy our Dominican republic honeymoon :-( I had issues with my audio ( music skipping, stopping abruptly, etc), my ushers not being able to roll out the runner, decorations not being to my liking, was running late the morning of my wedding so everything was thrown off causing me to feel rushed and frustrated when the time came for me to walk down the aisle… this is only the beginning of all my mishaps… everyone keeps telling me it was beautiful, I’m being to hard on myself about it, etc, but I just want to cry … Or have the opportunity to do it all over again 😢

    • Oh… and failed to mention…. My inexperienced photographer and videographer seemed to not know their jobs should be done mainly without them being was as though they were members of the wedding party but failed to receive the attire memo….they stood in the front, right in our faces the ENTIRE time….so our pics will have the videographer in them and our video will have the photographer in it…😞😞

  30. Hello I just read this and had to reply and say how I totally agree and feel the same! We had a mini moon and I spent a whole day all emotional.
    I think it all just will take time so I am going to try and busy myself with other things now.
    I hope you are feeling much better!
    Mrs de Sousa (no longer 2b)

  31. I can so relate to how you are feeling. My husband and I were married in November 2014 and I cannot help but feel so upset and disappointed about the day.

    Our church ceremony was absolutely beautiful, it was at our reception that I became a little upset as one table of guests were just incredibly drunk. Good friends of ours who just didn’t seem to know how loud/rude they were being, making it difficult for the guests to hear the speeches, which after hearing the best mans speech I was a tad grateful for as he told the most EMBARRASSING story ever and completely humiliated my husband. I was livid.

    The day was beautiful in many ways but I just cannot help this overwhelming feeling of disappointment. I didn’t like my hair and my grandmother told me I looked fat in my dress (just before walking down the aisle) The biggest upset is that after paying £1400 for our photographer, our photographs are terrible. I could have taken better on my iPhone. Our photographer didn’t even get one photograph of us with our twin daughters. We are now in the process of taking her to court ( we only asked for 25% back to cover external editing fees) which is putting such a strain on us, as all I do is cry. We cannot even create a wedding photo album. People keep saying ‘it’s about who you marry and your lifelong promise to one another’ I do know that, I just cannot help feeling how I do.

    • I think you have a right to feel sad, and I think it’s possible to feel happy and thankful about your marriage at the same time. That really sucks about your photographer. We also got partial refunds from several crappy vendors.
      Good luck to you and take care!

      • Dear Sophie,

        I’m so sad for you that your wedding didn’t go as planned. People you speak to will try to cheer yo up by saying “the most important thing is that you have married the man you love” but you (and your husband) need to grieve for the upset and, over time, I promise that it will get better.

        I married my husband 18 months ago. We had a lovely small ceremony in Edinburgh with close friends and family. Everything was going well until the speeches. My Father gave his speech and then had a massive heart episode and collapsed just as we raised our glasses. The rest of the day was ruined. Thankfully my Father was ok and was able to return in the evening.
        But it took me a long time to feel good about our wedding, I really had to focus on all the good things about the day and the love I felt for my husband as he proudly watched me walk the isle.

        I’ve now decided to renew my vows, just me and my husband. Maybe one day you might do the same. There is also something popular in the UK called ‘trash the dress’ photoshoots. You get all dressed up again with your hubby and have pictures taken that you might not have dared to do on your wedding day – I’ve seen ones of women in Scottish lochs!

        Hope you feel better about it all soon.

        Lou xxx

        P.S. Your Grandmother would have got a kick off me if I’d of heard her say that. I’ll bet you looked stunning! xx

  32. Dear Lyssapants, thank you so much for writing this. My church wedding was in May 2014. My husband and I had gotten legally married abroad in 2012 without my family (it was short notice), and we were long-distance for years. When he could finally move to live with me, we got married in church. By that time, we had postponed the wedding by a year and planned and re-planned everything many times over. In the end, a few things went quite wrong, too. I was surprised at how disappointed I was and how I was reminded of the things that didn’t happen every time I looked at the pictures, instead of all the good things. I felt like a terrible person for feeling that way. My husband was sad and felt somewhat offended that I could be upset over the vendor getting the cake wrong or the photographer bossing us around so much that our parents couldn’t even hug us after exiting the church (among other things) when the day was about our union and finally being together, which he felt I was undervaluing by getting stuck on such “little things”.

    I also think some people feel that you are an ungrateful spouse if you are upset over these things. We went without a lot of things in our legal marriage and we wanted a large celebration with both families that we could personalize. There are a billion choices to make. I looked at 3000 dresses online before finding one (i counted!) because I am plus-size and the selection was very difficult. I looked at 1200 cake designs, and when we finally ordered one, it went wrong.

    Your post made me see that it is valid to both feel very happy in your marriage and in your spouse, and still be disappointed that something you worked for two years (!) to accomplish in the end was left up to chance, bad weather, inconsiderate guests, or someone being inattentive at their job. It helped me accept that I was not a terrible wife for feeling this way. And being able to accept and honor those feelings suddenly made them stand out less. They didn’t take up all the room in my memory of the day because I didn’t have to obsess over the guilt I felt for even feeling disappointment.

    Your post helped me more than all the articles I read before on how to “get over it” and “be grateful”. I AM grateful for your help and very sorry for the disappointment you felt after your wedding. I hope that you can process your emotions and find happiness in the memory of your wedding in spite of all of it.

    • Yes, YES, SO MUCH YES! Thank you so much for this comment. I am very glad that my post helped you out, and please know that your comment has helped me out as well.
      I wish the same closure for you, and let’s hope that more people understand that people can feel more than one thing at once. Just because we feel sad doesn’t mean that we aren’t also thankful at the same time.
      Take care!

  33. I understand exactly how you feel. Literally nothing went right for my wedding, except that we got to get married. Worse, I had to deal with all of the little meltdowns myself, so I had about half an hour to get ready and spent about 10 minutes on my makeup…. I do more than that to go to work. I felt bare and ugly. And ALL of the guests except for the wedding party left before our send-off. I feel like I’m in mourning. We did it pretty DIY, and the person in charge of set-up left two entire totes of decorations just sitting off to the side… because I didn’t spend many hours and a shit ton of money on them or anything.
    Anyway. It sucked. There were good bits, like when my groom started crying when he saw me, and when my dad gave the best, most tear -inducing toast ever. But mostly… a waste of money and effort, honestly.

  34. I had a bit if a different experience from any I’ve read about here. We basically had a rushed wedding out of convenience/necessity… It was nothing like I’d envisioned… I didn’t have a wedding dress… No family or friends were present… It felt like an errand or just another task for the day. We literally went grocery shopping afterwards! I feel so sickly disappointed (even devastated!) about it… The subject came up with my now-husband when I was noticeably downcast the day following the “event,” and he was so crushed… I felt awful… I don’t want to hurt him, and do love him and have for some time, but I feel like I deserved a special proposal and marriage day. He says we’ll do a big public thing later, but even if we did (which I doubt we will) it would never be the same… I feel so many things: sad, shallow, cheated… I couldn’t sleep tonight, so came online to research my “condition.” So very sorry to hear about all of your wedding-day disappointments ladies… Anyone out there with a similar situation to mine? Or someone with any helpful guidance or commentary?

    • Thanks for reading.
      While whatever you choose to do won’t ever be the same or fully make up for your loss, I’m confident you could do something to try and capture a bit of the specialness you’re wanting.
      And only you and your husband will know what will feel right for you.
      Good luck and take care!

  35. Wow THANK YOU for sharing! You and all the ladies on here have encaptured my exact feelings from our wedding day…disappointment!

    Yes i agree marrying the man i love and now calling him my husband is pretty damn amazing, but not having the wedding you planned is gut wrenching – and yes, worst of all having to lie about how amazing it was because you dont want to seem like an ungrateful little troll!!
    Is it wrong to want a do-over SO badly!? We just got married in Nov and im trying to convince hubby to do a smaller thing for our first anniverary…but i think hes worried it wont actually help with the sadness… 😔

    So what happened….??
    We had a rough trott from day dot. I could not find a dress and…im about to say it…SETTLED on a dress. (Any woman reading this yet to be married – never do this!!)

    Then the fun started, i broke both bones in my wrist just under 3 months out in a work accident. Because it was so bad i was unable to really do anything due to pain i put on a stack of weight, changing my dress fittings completely! The dreaded back fat was present and despite my best efforts to practically starve myself, it still didnt look the same. And of course i didnt wear a splint for the wedding, but i had no use of my arm and everytime someone touched it i would yelp in pain..first dance therefore consisted of an awkward shuffle rather than a beauiful dance we had practiced (im a dancer from way back!)

    The day before was just as ridiculous…we got the wrong size marquee delivered and set up but only realising this when the chairs tables were delivered. They didnt fit in the marquee!! We had to rearrange the whole table layouts and contact catering the night before, and they were not happy! Rather than the champagne mani pedi arvo we had planned, our whole bridal party and family were helping try work out a way to make it fit. Thank god for 2 of my BMs being amazing!!
    We then found out the venue toilets were broken, yep, so we had to hire gross portable toilets!! Great…

    Day of…the dress didnt fit.
    Next, the flowers delivered were not what i had ordered!! And to make it worse? Our florist set up our outdoor flowers at the venue first thing in the morning on a 28C day, so guess what, they were all dead when i arrived!! Wtf?!! So you can guess how lovely all the photos looked with dead and droopy arch flowers that were not even close to what i sent photos of and was assured i would get!
    Oh and it gets better…the photographers when we hired them were all lovely and we loved their previous work, but by the time our wedding rolled in on the sunday, they had done 5 weddings already, so were well and truely OVER IT! Which is reflected in our wedding photos..they are crap! And on the day we were actually yelled at multiple times for not moving fast enough, my husband was told to “do better” and our whole bridal party was scolded when we didnt understand what “just clump” meant! What the fuck is clumping!?? And who yells at the bride and groom?!!!

    Last but certainly not least, most of our guests had left early due to the storm and wind that hit our outdoor marquee reception, so the vibe was crap and everyone was just over it! We didnt get the “send off” we planned cos everyone basically left before that time.

    Theres so much more like the MC pulling out 2 days before, the fingerprint tree not rocking up etc but as i sit here wallowing in my self pity i can see that so many others had stressed out days with stressed out husbands and its just not how any of us pictures starting our marriages..
    So good luck to everyone getting thru it and if you have any tips please share them!! Xx

  36. Thank you kindly for sharing your wedding story. Your words are comforting beyond what you imagined and you are not alone in feeling those post wedding blues because things weren’t quite perfect. My husband and I married almost 5 months ago and I am feeling those blues because we didn’t get to dance as I had wanted (our dj’s equipment was ruined in the rain), the night went by entirely too quick, we hardly ate and my in-laws caused a ridiculous amount of grief. I think by the time the wedding was over, I was just glad it was over. Now, I’m sad that this special time in my life, the most day-dreamed about moment of my youth wasn’t quite all I had hopped for.

  37. I have found a lot of comfort in reading this thread. The thing I have found hardest about my wedding day not going as planned is that I have often felt silly or even spoilt for feeling so upset about it. When people tell me that it was an amazing day it just makes me feel worse as I then feel that I must have overreacted to the disappointment of it all.

    My husband and I spent months scouring venues for the perfect lakeside location as we love to visit these kinds of places for a weekend together and we wanted to share that experience with all our friends and family. After two years of planning, it all started to go wrong about a month before the wedding when I received a call from the hotel manager to say that the hotel was carrying out some unexpected maintenance. This turned out to be scaffolding covering the front of the hotel and obscuring the views we had so desperately wanted. It transpired that the hotel was only owning up to this following a call from my mother who had been informed of the scaffolding by a friend who had passed by the hotel. The hotel had been trying to keep this from us until we had paid our bill in advance in full.

    To our surprise, we managed to book our second choice of hotel with only 3 weeks to go. However, the stress of changing all the arrangements at the last minute was already beginning to affect our feelings about the day and I know my husband was so incredible nervous as a result, not least because he knew how upset I was about everything. There was also the small matter of the previous hotel threatening to charge us thousands of pounds due to our late cancellation, despite how they had tried to deceive us. Fortunately we have since heard nothing more on this but it was definitely in the backs of our minds at the time.

    On the day,we were disappointed about a few things but I feel these were perfectly normal. For example, we wished we had more time with our guests rather than having photos taken. We wished we had even seen never mind tasted the canapés evening buffet. The meal ran late and my parents were upset that tea and coffee wasn’t served and ended up doing it themselves.

    The thing that then really spoiled things for us was that the band was not as expected. They were not cheap but we had seen and loved them at another wedding and decided to splash out as it meant a lot to us. I had sent a playlist to them in advance, compiled from a list of available songs they had provided. I thought we had an evening of all songs we had chosen being played and dancing with friends and family to relax and forget all the previous issues. The band only played a handful of the songs we had chosen and they weren’t as good as the band we had sen previously as the members were different. When I complained afterwards, the attitude was – well your guests enjoyed it, what’s your problem. Well, that it was my one and only wedding day, the one day when. I thought I got to choose the music. Unfortunately, this was the last straw for me and I got very upset towards the end of the evening which I deeply regret.

    Some time on, I do feel a little better about things but I would have done things so differently in hindsight. A week away with only a handful of guests anyone?! Although who knows how that would have gone either. I guess the main problem is that you build up to this one day for so long and spend so much on it and it is so hard to accept if it doesn’t go as planned. However, we are lucky in so many other aspects and reminding myself of this I starting to make me feel better (over two years on!). Thanks for sharing everyone.

  38. I got married two weeks ago bad had the most perfect day, right up until the end of the wedding reception where I had an almighty row with my husband. He promised something and let me down, something I just can’t get over (nothing to do with another woman or anything!). I saw red and spent an hour screaming at him outside, crying and generally feeling miserable. We then carried on inside the venue in front of the guests, before stomping off to bed where he passed out on the bed drunk, and I sat in my dress crying :-(
    I regret reacting the way I did (we’d both had a drink) but just can’t believe that my perfect wedding day ended like that. It feels like such a bad omen for our marriage – though weve already been together for 15 years!!
    How can I get over the image of me crying in bed on my wedding night?! :-(

    • My first thought was that since it seems you were part of the cause of what happened, then the good news is that you have the power to work through how you feel about it afterwards.
      Only you’re going to know what will work best for you.
      Thanks for reading!

  39. I’m glad the positives help to get over all the negatives. I totally agree that weddings are rather overrated, especially since they are so expensive.
    What if you and your partner ran away and have the wedding you originally wanted? Sounds like fun to me :)
    Take care and thanks for reading.

  40. I got married September 13th, a little over a week ago.

    Everything was great up until the reception which was pretty much non existent. Every single guest on my side of family basically dined and dashed. The reception was to last until 6pm but people began to leave at around 3:30 right after the meal toasts.

    I was like “dam this is going good!” Went pee and as I was coming back all my loved ones were leaving in WAVES to go back to the hotel my parents were paying for.

    I just don’t FREAKING understand. Why leave? My family’s specialty is eating, drinking, and talking. And all three of those things were more thab supported at the reception. Yet they STILL inconsiderately just left. Half of them didn’t even say goodbye. But my cousin, who threw my bridal shower, said goodbye. And she had a “well this is awkward” look on her face as she gave me a distanced side-hug because she could tell how hurt I was everyone was leaving. But she still left. My best freind cousin still left.

    All anyone wanted was to drink the drinks my parents had provided at the hotel near the bed they would crash in. They cared more about the convenience of their drunkeness than sticking around and celebrating with my wonderful husband and I.

    And since family left, most other guests left shortly there after as well.

    I am just DEVASTATED. My husbands family of 6 along with my parents and 2 other guests were there to say goodbye to us when we left at around 4:30 (when our grand exit was scheduled at 6)
    Ten people out of 100 guests :( I am extremely grateful that they stuck around but the utter embarassment and hurt from everyone else leaving completely overshadow that gratefullness especially since it was my own family that skipped out.

    And hearing my guests say the excuse of “I have to run” or “I have to go” just made me and STILL makes me CRINGE. No, you didn’t have to run. You didn’t have to go. It’s not a coincidence you’re leaving. You’re leaving because everyone else left and it’s boring.

    And I’m not only dealing with the extreme let down of no reception. What really hits me to my core is what my family did. The entity that has supported me my whole life and that I never expected to care so little abandoned myhusband and I wwithout a backward glance.

    Yea abandon sounds exaggerated but on a fundamental level it feels like that’s what they did.

    I just don’t understand and I am constantly questioning what I could have done differently.

    I’m still so angry and hurt and I feel cheated out of something that I worked 9 months for.

    And on a whole different level is the EXTREME guilt I feel for spending SO MUCH of my dad’s money for such a terrible FAILURE.

    I’m so pissed at my family.

      • The thing is I’m unsure about how to deal with these feelings towards my family. A lot if these brides and I mean A LOT had similar situations where their family was just a plain ass hole. How did you ladies deal with it? Did you let them know how they hurt you or did you just compartmentalize and act like nothing happened when you’re around them?
        HELP MEEEE its a big ‘ol shock I never expected to deal with so I literally have no idea what to do. Thanks in advance.

      • I’m sure it will depend on your family members. If you think any people would actually hear your feedback and respond positively, then I say go for it and tell them how you feel. But if you think their response might make you feel worse, then I’d say just work on healing yourself.
        Only you know what’s going to work.

  41. I didn’t get the perfect wedding last month either. It’s comforting to know that I’m not the only one but also sad to know I’m not the only one.

    I just want you to know I know exactly how you feel. exactly. I don’t how to get over this so if you have tips please let me know.

    • Thanks for your comment. I just say do whatever feels right – feel sad if you need to feel sad. Talk about it. Schedule or plan a little do-over. Therapy. We actually did all those things.

  42. I have just got married and stumbled across this post and it made me want to burst into tears. What happened on your wedding day is awful and it was comforting to know I’m not the only one feeling like that.

    The band cancelled 2 days before the wedding and the replacement band weren’t as good.

    Our wedding day threw it down with rain, which ruined the outdoor wedding we had planned.

    Our photographer clearly didn’t care or put any effort in – and sadly it shows from the photos. We couldn’t find them most of the time.

    Our best man was dreadful and I ended up running around most of the day doing the jobs he was supposed to do.

    The venue manager was horrible – the venue was licensed until 1am and at midnight he pulled the plug on the music and told us we ‘should fucking be out of here by now’ despite a finish time of 1am in the contract.

    And worst of all a friend who has been jealous for a while didn’t speak to me and was so nasty that I ended up in tears.

    Luckily the honeymoon was so spectacular that I could forget about it all for a while, but now we’re back and I’ve had time to think about it all I feel so cheated. It was so reassuring to hear I’m not the only one.

    I really hope it’s worked out ok for you and wish you all the best. Have you thought about a trash the dress photo shoot? You can get back in the dress and get all the wonderful pics you wanted?

    I wish you all the best x

      • That’s what I’m afraid of – that I will always look back on my wedding day and not feel good about it.

        Sorry you’re feeling this way – comforting to know there are others out there, but so sad to think how many other girls are going through this.

        It’s only been 2 months for me, so I hope if I grieve properly I will get over it, but not sure I ever will either x

  43. I’m so sorry that you didn’t have the dream wedding that you hoped for. I just found out that I my wedding budget will be around $10,000 for everything. I cried when I discovered this because, like most women, I have had many daydreams about my wedding day since I was a little girl. I’ve changed my mind about the details dozens of times over the years, but that was fine! I was just happy thinking that one day I get to feel so special. A wedding is the biggest event in a couples life and should be no less than fantastic no matter the couples situations. I’m not a big spender. I don’t have big parties or vacations. I like to keep holidays and celebrations tasteful and simple. Not because I’m a penny pincher, but because I’m a quiet person and don’t need a lot of material things to be happy. I just wanted my wedding to be big and amazing. That was important to me. I wanted all of our friends and family there, great music, great food, an incredible dress, a beautiful cake, first dance, etc. For once I wanted the best. You know the works! I’m devastated that that isn’t what we will be able to experience and I feel just awful about it. What we have been discussing is getting married in the courthouse and having a big, grand and awesome 5 year anniversary party. No it isn’t as special as the wedding we wanted, but we want each other more than anything that money could buy. I would marry him in a pigpen if that was the only way. Lol. I guess what I’m saying is that I’m so happy for you!! You got the best part of your wedding day. You got to marry your best friend. He will cherish you and love you and be by your side for the rest of your life. Your picture you posted is absolutely beautiful! You are such a handsome couple and look genuinely happy and so in love. Your gown and flowers were to die for, too! You could do like I plan to have a big and fabulous 5 year anniversary celebration and put your foot down and get what you want! Lol! I hope the two of you have a beautiful, healthy and joyous life together and may your marriage be blessed with unlimited love and happiness!! Congratulations, sweetheart!!

  44. Stumbling upon this thread has been so helpful!! Thank you so much! Helps to know I’m not alone in the way I feel. I married my other half in March 2013 and I’m still struggling to come to terms with the day not going as I had hoped! I have always suffered depression but have hit an all time low since my wedding and have become pretty much obsessed with it, constantly going over what I could have/should have done to have stopped the problems (many were out of my control but I seem to be punishing myself and ascertaining blame as I organised a lot of the things, chose vendors etc) I am so sorry your day was not as you had planned, has time healed the pain? I can’t seem to let go and it’s dragging me down. I feel I can’t remember the good bits anymore as I’ve spent so long reinforcing the bad bits in my head. More recently when I think about my wedding (which is most of the time -there are triggers everywhere!) I have been experiencing butterflies in my tummy which I think is caused by anxiety – it’s been so intense it makes me wretch. I have been seeing a therapist for a few months but I don’t feel it’s helping. I’ve been to two weddings since my own and it’s something I really struggle with as I can’t help but feel jealous that all their hard work and planning paid off and mine didn’t. I hate feeling negative about other peoples happiness, its horrible and makes me feel like an awful person. I haven’t mentioned my husband at all have I? Ha. He’s amazing and I’d be lost without him. I really am so grateful to be married and I know to some readers I will sound ridiculous but I can’t help feeling how I do and just need to find a way to move forward.

    • I can identify with those mixed feelings – going to other weddings and feeling jealous, and being concerned that others may feel my feelings are invalid.

      If you like and trust your therapist, please stick with it. Therapy usually gets hard and messy before it gets good. With continued work, both in therapy and on your own, my hope is that you’ll find ways to make it not hurt so much and to accept that it was just a day and it doesn’t have to ruin your present days.

      We just celebrated our first anniversary, and so that was tricky, but we made it happy. For me, it was like saying “Fuck you, ugly wedding gods! I am going to be happy despite your best efforts.” And, overall, we have been.

      Thanks for reading and commenting!

      • Thank you for your reply, it does help to know someone understands. I feel very isolated with these feelings as it’s not something I can discuss with many people as they don’t understand and I don’t want people to know I disliked my day. So I put up a front pretending it was amazing and the ‘happiest day of my life’. It’s the triggers I struggle with, all can be going semi ok then for example I’ll see beautiful pictures on Facebook of someone’s wedding and then I’m off again, frustrated I didn’t have the same. My therapist has been taking a cbt route and doesn’t really want to deal with past issues but work on changing how I approach the here and now and deal with imperfection. I’m not sure this right for me, as the wedding constantly consumes me so in effect has an impact on my ‘here and now’ outlook. I am so glad you had a lovely 1st wedding anniversary, ours was really special too which I am extremely thankful for. Ps, I love the pic you put on here of your wedding, it’s lovely.
        Thanks for listening!

  45. Thank you so much for sharing. This helped me cope a little bit. We got married July 4 2015 at a beautiful garden.I live in Washington . For weeks it had been sunny. On our wedding day I woke up to a sunny morning. We were so happy! It was so sunny all day op until the point it was time to walk in, it sprinkled. Are you kidding me? My parents got me to my groom and the video assistant was trying to get out of the way and knocked over the table with the communion and unity candles. My poor mom screamed . She had stayed up late sewing flowers onto the ribbons of the candles. The sprinkle turned into a light rain, it even took out one of the flames. Guests left before food because it was too wet and they got cold. The venue owners were awesome And moved some of the tables into the barn and the dj moved his equipment as well. People enjoyed themselves. I’m just really bummed I didn’t get my moment in the sun, things got wet, guests didn’t get to enjoy the beautiful garden and fire pit for smores and I didn’t get my sparkler pictures. My mom has paid for some bridal portraits so we will be doing them at the venue in a few weeks. Hopefully with sun! Oh Andy hair lady who was supposed to be a friend and said she would give us a good deal over charged for what we could have done ourselves and she was late. ;/ thank you for sharing and allowing me and others to do the same. God bless .

  46. I got married just over two weeks ago. I am disappointed as a number of things went wrong: my MOH came into town with a black eye (no fault of her own), on the day of the wedding both of my BM’s had to runs (one of the BM’s son’s had a stomach virus which she caught and passed on), when my bouquets arrived the ones for the BM’s were identical to mine (not what I asked for), make-up person was an hour late, as a result, our ceremony was an hour late, I was not able to get any professional pics of me putting my dress on (which I did in a rush due to time), and I had to pay my photographer an extra $375 to stay later after the ceremony to get the formal pics we wanted, problems with our bartender, it was a cloudy and rainy day.
    Things that went right: got a discount on the flowers and despite the error the bouquets worked well, I haven’t paid anything for the make-up so far (I sent her an email, no response. I’m only willing to pay her half of what she asked for), both my BM’s were able to make it through the reception and ceremony after I made a trip to the pharmacy lol (one did leave early, no biggie), despite the weather the rain held off for our photos and ceremony outside, pro pics were lovely, food was great, loved our cake, our DIY photobooth was a big hit, our music (ipod) was perfect, many of our guests told us that they really enjoyed the wedding as it was so laid back, I have the best in-laws in the world!, my brother and his family were able to fly in from the other side of the country, personal vows were so touching, and most important I am married to my best friend.
    My wedding was not what I hoped for in many ways. But it makes me feel better that I’m not alone.

  47. My wedding was a year ago and i loved every second,apart for my poor husbands best mans father was rushed to hospital an hour before the wedding,so no time to casually get dressed and take photos,they worried they wouldn’t make the wedding.also its only now i deeply regret not filming our wedding,or the speeches,the photographer was next to useless,missing out vital wedding pictures,none of the whole wedding party and very few of our guests,upsettingly i only have two pictures of my children throughout the whole day.ive been diagnosed for depression and its all because of my wedding photos i havnt got,my poor husband is in turmoil as i sit and cry uncontrollably everyday,not eating and going over what should have been in my head! Its driving me crazy,and my poor family too.from an outsider i sound pathetic and over the top,but i just cant shake how i feel xxx

  48. I read your blog because I too am grieving , for want of a better word, for the day i had worked so hard to plan.

    A lot of aspects went well, even if it stressed me out sorting them but as that was pre wedding I didn’t mind.

    Is given all the info the hotel needed plus a list to the best woman and my partner had just two things to organise, music and asking his cousin to film the ceremony. Music was fine, video wasn’t done by his cousin and only captured our backsides due to its position.

    The layout of the ceremony room meAnt we were crushed in a corner to say our vows and the registrar had his back to half the guests. I didn’t say anything, being a bit overwhelmed and also not wanting to seem like a bridezilla.

    The photographer was not assertive at all. So no one went outside as they were meant to. The confetti was enough for half the guests and I wanted a lovely shot of us and abig flurry of petals but the photographer lined everyone up so petals slowly and sparsely rained over us as we walked through. The hotel served drinks straight away which I’d asked not to happen so nobody was listening out for photos and we ran out of time. Photos now needed to be done after dinner. It took ages to do and I organised it all as the photographer was really quiet.

    The hotel were rubbish never telling us anything so we got cold teas, buffets, late service and by 6 I was knackered. I just wanted to get the cake cut and dance out the way so I could relax and this upset me no end as I should have looked forward to it.

    Everyone else enjoyed themselves but I was unable to stop for a minute being either mrs organisation or dragged into all the guest pictures.

    The evening was the best bit for me as I just danced with good friends.

    I have been so down and found it difficult to sleep a few days before the wedding and now two days afterwards. My husband has tried to cheer me but I just can’t shake this feeling. I didn’t want perfection I just wanted to hand over me as wedding planner to somebody else.

      • This post has provided myself and others, and hopefully yourself with a place to share our upset about our weddings but also to see that others weddings also have had issues. This is something you must feel proud of, you have helped everyone posting on here just by reading our messages so thank you.

        I’ve spoken to a couple of friends and have written the good snd the bad things down. Writing the good list, for me anyway, did make me feel better. I sent me lists to my partner to print off and his reply back was so heartfelt and lovely that I am starting to see that whilst i will no doubt feel sad about the day in some ways, there was a lot more like our families reactions and how proud they were, the fact my partners grandma made it when it was uncertain if she would, our vows to one another and the fact everyone had a good time plus his lovely words about our families growing closer and his love for me and our daughter have meant I have got good thoughts about the wedding now.

        There really can be a silver lining and it was really the beautiful words he sent me.

        The wedding is just the start, writing down the things I did enjoy really helped me. So did writing the bad bits too just to get it out my head for a while.

  49. Hiya,

    I got married 8 months ago and it has taken me this long to feel better about the way my wedding went.

    In the weeks leading up to the wedding, I was stressed out of my mind. I had convinced myself that I had to be perfect. I was so silly to feel that way.
    Looking back on the photographs, there are so many little things that I wish I had done and not having a photograph of just me and my Mum is one I deeply, deeply regret. However, this is a drop in the ocean compared to what happened on the day.

    The wedding morning was fine, the ceremony was lovely – it wasn’t how I imagined but I look back on it with very fond memories and I have a beaming smile in the photo’s. An hour or so later we were in the dining room listening to my Father deliver his speech. My Dad had been ill in the run up to the wedding and had an internal defibrillator fitted just 10 months prior.
    He wished my new husband and I a long and happy marriage and lifted his glass to raise a toast, at which point he slumped down into his chair and I saw that he had turned a shade of grey. His hands were outstretched and he was being shocked by his defibrillator.
    I screamed “No” and at that point, I thought my Dad had died. My brother had suffered from the same genetic heart condition and had died 10 years before and it felt as though it was happening all over again.
    My Dad regained conciousness and an ambulance took him to hospital.
    We were very fortunate that he was released from hospital 4 hours later but I can honestly say that my wedding day was one of the worst days of my life. Everyone was in tears – including my Mum who has been re-married to another man for 20 years!

    I cried so many times over how the day went and my new husband was so supportive of how I felt and talked it through to make me feel better. Looking back now, my favourite part of the whole celebration was the next day strangely.
    I woke up and my new husband said “Hello Mrs Speakman” and that was one of the nicest things I had ever heard! We had a wonderful romantic champagne breakfast together and were really enjoying being newly weds.
    As we had decided to marry in Edinburgh (Scotland) which is a few hours drive from where my family live, we decided to put on some sandwiches, scones and tea/coffee to wish our guests a nice farewell. This turned out to be fortuitous as my Dad had missed the wedding breakfast the day before. We all sat together and it was really nice not worrying about photo’s and the pressure of looking amazing. In fact, I wore a pretty tea dress which everyone commented on more than my wedding dress.

    My Dad is still well and has not had another episode since. I was devastated about my wedding at first and it has taken a lot of grieving to get to this point.

    I have asked my husband if we can renew our vows but only to take away the sadness that clouded my wedding. However, it will be by ourselves and I will wear a pretty tea dress instead of something that stops me from breathing, sitting and peeing!!

    The photograph of my Mum and I will never be recaptured but I would like to look forward now, instead of backwards and I am really looking forward to having a photograph of me, my mum and her grandchild.

    I don’t tell my story to trivialise any wedding day issues that didn’t involve a parent dying. Trust me, I am still fuming at my photographer for cocking up the group shot. I only wanted to tell any other bride feeling this way that you need to take the time to grieve, try to focus on the good stuff (I know it is hard!) and find things to look forward to in your future. And if that doesn’t work, get your lovely husband to give you a big cuddle to remind you of what your wedding day was really about.

  50. If you knew everything that went wrong with my wedding, you would feel a lot better about yours. I got married a little more than a year ago and I think of my ‘disaster’ wedding almost everyday. I thought that the negative feelings will fade away as time passes, but In my case they don’t. I’m actually considering seeing a therapist about it, because I want to come to terms with and move on from my wedding disappointment so badly.

    Our vendors – except the photographer – were not the problem. I chose the ‘wrong’ venue. I had the option of having the venue of my dreams, but that would have meant we had to cut our guest list by half. I decided that I’d rather have a big wedding at a more affordable venue. Although I invited all my extended family, I haven’t even spoken to most of them since the wedding.

    There was a heat wave on the day, and the venue did not have enough shade or seats for everyone. While they waited in the heat, there was no access to the bar for guests to get drinks. And the best of all was that the venue did not have air-con! It was actually cooler outside then it was inside. Soon after dessert was served the guests started leaving, no-one, not even my closest friends, danced or stayed late. Perhaps every-one was just exhausted from standing in the heat all day.

    More than a year have passed and no-one have yet said to me that they enjoyed my wedding. I once talked to a friend who said my wedding was ‘creative’ and that I should have asked her to help me. To this day all I ever hear when our wedding comes up in conversation is “Boy, it sure was hot on your wedding day”. I have not heard one person say “I really enjoyed you wedding”, not one.

    I did learn a valuable lesson. Have I not wanted such a big wedding and wanted to please everyone, then my wedding day would not have been such a disappointment. I should have chosen the venue I (and my husband) really wanted and only invited our closest friends and family. But at least I married my best friend.

    Thank you for sharing your story and apologies for my rambling. What it comes down to is that I also know how it feels to “grieve the violation of my expectations”.

    • It’s so interesting how people talk about a wedding versus a marriage like they are mutually exclusive. I’ll take as long as I need to to grieve my wedding, while enjoying my marriage at the same time.
      Thanks so much for reading and for your comment.

  51. I’ve been feeling so lost and unable to speak about how I really feel about how our wedding day went. The run up to the big day was the most stressful time of my life, not simply due to trying to recover from a concussion (!) but mainly due to family members. I can’t tell you what a huge comfort this has been to me. I got married in August, went straight on honeymoon, and then had to move to Sweden for 2 months for work. So I’m there now on my own and feeling quite low. I can’t think about the wedding without getting upset. For some reason I decided to see if there was anything on the net – thank you for sharing. Thank you for letting me know that I’m not the only one. Feel better x

    P.S. You both look so happy and beautiful in your photo, remember that moment.

      • Do you mind if I ask how your husband feels, are you guys able to talk about it? I think that’s one thing I find difficult at the moment. I seem to be the only one feeling like this. So even just admitting it and then writing to you has already made me feel better! Thanks :)

    • Rae,

      Two of your horrible problems are what I dealt with too — such a small world that two people are dealing with that same combination.

      I too am recovering from a concussion and also the reason why my wedding was an awful embarrassing experience was because of my family. May I ask how you have dealt with them since your wedding? I got married almost two weeks ago and I know eventually the day will come when I’ll see them all again but I just don’t know how to approach it. I am feeling so low too. You didn’t give specifics of what they did but if you could give me your take on coping I would be so extremely grateful.

      Also about your concussion — recovering is weird and the firing neurons and what they’ll do as recovery happens is just so unpredictable. I completely feel you on that. Recovery last a LONG TIME and some people just don’t get that! And especially the indirect injuries of a concussion — i happened to get forcefully knocked down and my body sorta did the motion of a whip as i fell with my head being the end of the whip. So not only was my brain all “UM WHAT JUST HAPPENED” but my body completely seized up from the fall especially my neck and back. It’s been migraines and shooting pain galore ever since. I DEFINITELY feel you girl — you’re not alone on that one. May I ask you the nature of your concussion? I would love to hear your story.

      Thanks in advance!

  52. PB, my dear, I feel sympathy for you and I understand your pain and loss of what you wanted. Allow me to explain.

    First of all, I naturally have chronic depression, so that doesn’t help the situation. :/ I was in the military for seven years. I joined when I was 21. At 22, I was married for the first time. My husband, Jeff and I had a small wedding with our friends in California where we were currently stationed for training. Our parents were there via cell phone. How lame. I wore a dress that was more or less a gratified prom dress and Jeff’s proposal was really no more than, “How about we get married?” Our “reception” was a meal at Red Lobster. We were young and couldn’t afford much but we wanted to be married. I always felt a loss of never having a real wedding or a nice proposal. Jeff and I divorced two years later, and I thought that I might get a second chance.

    I lived in San Antonio next and dated Rob. When he proposed, it was in front of a fireplace, but he held up the ring and said, “What do you say?” Nice, right? Every girl’s dream. Our wedding was at the JoP. Even worse than the first one. We had two witnesses with us. Again, no parents. He wore a suit and I wore a spring dress. The man looked like Kelsey Grammar and spoke like a Southern Baptist Preacher. It was terrible. We had a daughter together but were divorced two years later because he cheated and I left him when my daughter was less than a year old. I figured I was out of luck.

    Then came round three. I was stationed in Washington DC, looking for new friends in the area after just having been relocated. I was sent a message on MySpace, of all things, by another Air Force member at my same base, who wanted to meet because he was also new to the area. I suggested meeting at somewhere safe, like the base gym, and everything is history! Mark is my current husband. He had to pass tests by my parents, brother, my best friends, and many other people before I was remarried. I got married in the same church that my parents did, and my father gave me away. My grandfather was my husband’s best man and my brother was one of the ushers. My daughter was my maid of honor and my brother’s girlfriend, now his wife, and my two step-daughters were my bridesmaids. It was a beautiful wedding. Yeah, it rained. No, there was no photographer. No reception. But my family was there. The proposal was lovely.

    You can always make another chance. You and your husband can put your clothes back on and have pictures retaken at sunset again, my dear! I know it’s not the same thing, but make it YOURS! it’s about you and him. Hire a less expensive one and go wherever you want! Make arrangements with your husband to go out for an ice cream sundae once a month for the first year of your marriage on the monthly anniversary of your wedding to make up for missing your sundae bar at the wedding. Make it yours! Do something special, just the two of you! You can make it special, sweetie. Just be positive. :)

    I hope the sparkling blue waters of the Mediterranean are offering you peace and calming your nerves. Come back calm and refreshed…and full of pizza and gelato and pasta.

    Good luck with the marriage. You and your husband are a lovely couple.

  53. I’m in the same boat as you. My wedding didn’t go at all how I wanted. My wedding day was filled with bridesmaid drama to leave it at that. I try to remember that a wedding is a day but a marriage is a lifetime. We’ll both move on eventually! :)

    • Thanks for the compliment!
      And, taking your comment literally, I respectfully won’t forget the rest, because how we learn is through memory. I definitely want to remember this experience so I can better get through tough times I may encounter in the future.

  54. I completely understand. You are NOT alone! My MIL made my wedding planning a living hell and because of so many others’ shortcomings, my (yes, MY) wedding wasn’t nearly what I wanted it to be. So many things went wrong for me, as well. That was nearly 3 years ago now, and even to this day I still get upset about some of it, even though I know it can’t/won’t change anything. We are hoping to have a vow renewal at some point in the next couple of years and just do everydamnthing ourselves.

    I do hope you feel better, and that the initial shock wears off. It will take a while. I hope there are something you are able to overcome and laugh at. Those will also take a while. Just know you have someone to yell at if need be! ;)

  55. I clearly hear you when you say this is about mourning the loss of the ceremony. You beautifully share your healthy and grateful grasp of the difference between marriage and wedding. The last thing you need is for me to point out any positives to you, you already embody them! Kudos to you, you already get it and are simply looking deeper at a different layer. (You are very gracious in your responses, by the way!)

    I can understand where a Do-Over may feel like second best, a not-quite-right, in the shadow of the loss. Maybe there’s a way to Do-Again, Do-Anew, Do-It-For-Ourselves, Do-it-Now (for whatever day you choose, anniversaries or regular marriage days), Do-It-Right sort of celebration.

    Time will evolve. You and your husband will know what to do and when, to express the desired celebration of You Two. And it certainly is worthy of celebration. <3

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  57. I think, if people are honest, after so much effort and planning there is always a little bit of letdown. I’m sorry you had such a bad experience on your special day though :( Up note is that your dress and bouquet were just gorgeous!! I hope your honeymoon goes someway to wiping away the bad feelings for you.

  58. A wedding does not make a marriage and that is the important thing. The marriage. There will be many more days to come that are more exciting and more important in the long run. Some days might seem quite ordinary but be the real life changing ones. Sometimes we let our expectations make us miss the importance.

    May your days with your husband be blessed, full of joy, adventurous and surprising when you least expect it.

    • The two of you look like a wonderful couple and the wedding photo is beautiful…you should look at it (maybe crop out the trash can…or just laugh at that too). I went through this when I got married in 2003 to my wonderful husband. We were living in Alaska and I wanted to have the wedding every girl dreams about after growing up reading the fairy tales. Our families were so far away and it was too expensive for them to travel and we couldn’t agree to have it near his family (OK) or mine (KY). Ultimately, we got hitched in a hotel reception area with our two best friends and their kids. The woman that was marrying us was late…thought I wanted a 1130 PM New Years eve wedding versus a 1130 AM 31 Dec wedding. After the wedding, there were two maintenance guys in my suite with the fireplace in pieces…talk about romantic. Ohhh, I cried then, balled my hands in to fists and just quietly steamed my face to the color of roses that I was holding. Going on 10 years later, I’m still madly in love with the man I married and we spend our anniversary every year sitting on the back porch of where ever we have ended up and laugh over a few glasses of wine about the day’s events. It is my experience, if you can get through a rough wedding…you’ll have a great marriage. Wounds will heal…in time.
      BTW…getting your pictures taken on that hilltop sounds like an excellent mile marker for an anniversary followed by ice cream sundaes.

  59. I can COMPLETELY relate. I’ve actually been married twice, and I had the wedding blues both times. I’m convinced that this was due to there being so much excitement, anticipation, and enormous pressure that “this had better be the best and most perfect day of your life” that caused these feelings, and not the actual wedding itself. There were mishaps at both weddings, but it wasn’t until after the weddings that I went over and over them in my head, making the memories so much bleaker than they should, and could have been. The first time around, I had a big wedding that I planned for 2.5 years, and looking back on it, it went splendidly. However, later on I bemoaned the various hiccups. We didn’t get to do our choreographed first dance because my dress wanted to fall down during the moves, my updo fell out by the time we got to the reception, there were several no-shows, we left the camcorder in the hotel (friends were supposed to help videotape the event), there was a drunk and crying plus-one I didn’t know…interestingly enough, once I divorced the guy, that was when I realized what a fantastic wedding it had been. Before, I hated looking at the pictures because they reminded me of what the wedding “wasn’t.” Now I hate looking at the pictures because they make me think of how I had such a special day with a person who turned out to be such a total jerk. So I now know the wedding blues was all about my mind playing tricks on me due to the fact that it is nearly impossible to have your wedding day be the greatest, most fault-free day of your life, if you are actually counting on that.

    When I was planning my second wedding, I told myself that I was not going to make a big deal out of it and that I was going to be focusing on being happy to be marrying the man I love. That was it. But then I got pregnant, and we moved the wedding date up…I had terrible morning sickness, I couldn’t wear the dress I wanted to, I felt humongous and exhausted, my swollen feet were killing me, a lot of people announced at the ceremony that they couldn’t stay for the reception, the food turned out to be not that great, the restaurant had left Halloween decorations up, there was no dancing and I felt like people looked kind of bored…but again, most of my feelings around these things haunted me after the wedding, not during the wedding. It’s hard to remember how I felt during the wedding however, because I’ve clouded it with negative memories.

    Also, because of the speedy manner in which we planned the wedding, I didn’t get a bridal shower, a bachelorette party, etc., etc. And the biggest thing of all, none of my family could come with the exception of my sister.

    Today, I get totally jealous of women planning their “dream weddings” because I feel like never had that. But then when I look back on my feelings about my wedding, I realize I’m probably incapable of having that. Because nothing will ever meet the crazy expectations we’re conditioned to have. It’s just one day. And thankfully, the second time around, I knew with all my heart and soul that I wanted to BE MARRIED to this man…I didn’t just want to marry him and have a wedding. In other words, I was looking forward to the marriage itself. That was a lifesaver.

    So just know, there are many women out there who feel just like you. Your picture is beautiful, and I bet you anything people thought you looked amazing and had a great time and didn’t wonder at all about your dance…I can’t remember the first dance of any wedding I’ve ever been to. Really, it’s all about how much you love your husband, when it comes down to it. That’s what people remember, and that’s why people, including the two of you, were there.

    Still, the wedding blues will continue to creep up. It’s a fact of life, I guess. But it helps to know it’s natural.

  60. I’m so sorry you had to experience your wedding like that.

    My wife and I got married a little over a year ago and I still think about our huge extravagant wedding day. My wife’s father passed away suddenly a month before and it was so hard to be both happy and grieving at the same time. It’s so strange to hear the words “congratulations and I’m so sorry about your loss” in the same sentence.

    Not only that, our DJ kept calling us husband and wife. Not cool at a lesbian wedding.

    Thank you for sharing your story. I feel for you and the memories that you cannot change.

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  63. You win. That sounds like a pretty miserable wedding experience–lifelong dreams or not. At any point since the wedding from hell, do you second-guess your ability to make good decisions? (Like choosing a plumber, or buying a car?) For so many things to go wrong, it almost sounds like you chose the low-bidder for every part of the wedding, which I’m sure you didn’t! I feel your pain and disappointment so deeply at this moment, I am drinking a Margarita in your honor (and I don’t usually drink). Your trip to the ER was the topper. I’m deeply thankful for my small wedding and low expectations 36 years ago. I was too young (and broke) to have big expectations!

    A death of a dream is a terrible loss, whether it’s the lost dreams of a great wedding experience or losing the dream of watching your son grow to manhood because leukemia claimed him at age nine–22 years ago. Dreams have a life of their own for many people. Sometimes dreams die a natural death; others are taken from us without our consent. (Did you ever find out why the bartender was late, or why the wedding started late?)

    Grief and mourning will remain long-term companions as long as we feed the discontent, or we can accept “what is” and create and feed new dreams. Take as many “do-over photos” as you can. Arrange to have your names announced over the PA system at a local event, but most of all, be kind and loving to your best friend knowing that you got the better end of the deal at the wedding from hell.

    • We asked the questions about why this happened and why that, but sadly, some vendors blamed other vendors for the problems.
      And honestly, at this point, I don’t even care.
      Thanks for the drink in my honor, and for reading and commenting :)

  64. I got married 8 months ago and the fiasco of the ceremony was nothing short of a Disaster Management Exercise!
    But I believe the worst is gone and the best is yet to come.
    and like you said, “And we’ll be with each other, because in the end, that’s all that matters.”
    Yes the best lines in this blog. and all that which matters.

  65. I’m so sorry that your day didn’t turn out as expected.
    6 years later and I still wish I could have a do-over. My husband’s family were absolutely horrendous for the 3 months leading up to our wedding. I cried every single day and we both felt that they ruined our engagement. There were things I didn’t have on my wedding day because of them. They had convinced my husband and I to have the wedding in America (I am Australian). When I got there they were a nightmare. If only I could go back, it would all be different. The stories from our engagement are awful.
    My sister inlaw also had a terrible time with both sets of parents. There was a big fight at her wedding and there were no dances, no cake cutting.
    The crazy thing is our families are all relatively normal in day to day life!
    My sister inlaw and I both did the same thing. We made a pact to just enjoy our honeymoons. Even though I was devastated at the way our engagement/wedding turned out – I made myself just be happy I was married to a wonderful person. It turned out to be the best holiday I’ve ever had!
    My sister inlaw did the same thing. And her wedding was worse than mine.
    We are all different, and handle things in our own way in life. But I really hope you can enjoy your honeymoon together and have a blast.
    I understand how upsetting it is for your day to not go as planned, and that feeling can last for years unfortunately.

  66. Sorry to hear about your disappointments. I wanted to tell you that in your photo you look really beautiful – hopefully that counts for something… It seems to me like maybe at some point you could do a “do-over”. Like down the road, first anniversary, or another time that seems appropriate, have a celebration of your marriage and do all the things that you feel like you missed. It wouldn’t be exactly the same as the wedding you had wanted, but it would give you a chance to have those moments that you really dreamed of, and maybe it could turn out to be really good.

    Wishing you all the best,


  67. We idealize this day from the time we are young enough to want to get married. We envision the perfect day without mishaps or misadventures and our great happiness and joy in marrying the person we love. Grief is natural when it didn’t go quite as planned.

    But, don’t that for ONE MINUTE let this misadventures in the first day of your marriage tarnish the wonderful time you will have on your honeymoon. Really.

    Congratulations and it can only go up from here!!!! Yay

  68. Oh my goodness you poor thing!! You really need to get that stunning dress on and get photos done with your amazing Mediterranean tan! I got married although I was really lucky and nothing major happened, besides 1) the minister forgot the bit where he says “you may kiss the bride” hellooooo that is like the most exciting bit and I had to remind him! And 2) my mum got so drunk and abusive which pretty much wrecked our reception as we couldn’t relax. 3) my cousin may have pood himself and walked around my reception stealing people’s beers after being banned from the bar….. oh and 4) the girl i hired to take photographs at the reception….didn’t so I have no social pics at the reception. besides that everything was great. But another thing you should be way of is the fact that no matter how good or bad your wedding was, you always have a “come down” afterwards. I got terribly depressed afterwards….so I cannot imagine how you are feeling. Best thing is, the anger is masking sadness and sadness eventually heals with time. You are doing a very loving thing by honouring your feelings. But you HAVE to get those photos done! By the way your dress is AMAZING! X

  69. I hate to hear about this experience. My husband and I did just go to the courthouse. Fear of things not going our way, parents getting in the way and hindering our celebration and throwing out loads of money for that wasn’t what we wanted. We knew our wedding would be more of a hassle than it was worth. After the JP, we celebrated in our own weird way.

    Good luck pressing through.

  70. Ah, I can’t imagine your feeling! I mean it’s such an expected day and we want things to go better than we planned- NOT worse. But I think at the end if you married the right person, your best friend and soul mate it’s all worth it! You can renew your vows and make it what you expected from your wedding!
    Best of luck ❤

  71. I can totally understand. Sometimes when I think back on my wedding I have a hard time NOT thinking about how things went wrong. I could have burst into tears when flowers were delivered not at all resembling what I had envisioned, I had this moronic woman from my church (not the planner) getting in the way of absolutely everything in her attempt to do the planner’s job, people showed up late and stood beside me in my dress in the vestibule kind of ruining the moment of nobody having seen you, when I got to the venue and saw all the tables were absolutely the opposite of the pictures I had given them to replicate thereby wasting all the loose stems I purchased to make their jobs simple, when my drunk aunt had me pinned in a corner for eons making me miss the opportunity to speak to my other friends and family, oh the list goes on. Weddings don’t happen in real life like they do on pinterest. And if those bitches say that they do, they are lying! What a shame. I hope you have a fabulous time stuffing your face with gelato. Not to take pleasure in your pain but I’m glad to hear I wasn’t the only one out there that found more bad than good about how their big day turned out.

  72. I think the one thing that might help is wearing your wedding clothes and going to get pictures taken under the oak tree, because at least you’ll have that. :) and you can create happy memories from that day on.

  73. Wow, it was a long scroll to get to the bottom of this…xD I can definitely understand your disappointment: no one likes to deal with the fact that circumstances left beyond his/her control, especially on an important day like a wedding! However, I also believe that in American culture, the idea of a wedding is so romanticized and stereotyped (just like being famous), that we expect certain things from it, sometimes unreasonable things–such as that everything will go perfectly, even though once it’s all planned and you’re in that dress, there isn’t a damn thing you can do about anything that happens thereafter, except try to find the humor in it wherever humanly possible.

    Hey, it could have been worse…he could have left you at the altar! Talk about wedding woes…=D

  74. My husband and I just celebrated our 27th wedding anniversary, and I have to admit (just between you and me) that I still can’t let go of the things that didn’t go my way at the wedding. I wanted to get married at my family’s synagogue, but was convinced by my soon-to-be in-laws that moving from one venue to another was too taxing on my husband’s grandparents. So, we decided to have the ceremony in the garden of the hotel where the reception was to be held. On the morning of the wedding, my fiance called me to say that it was too hot and humid to have the ceremony outside and thunderstorms were threatening to pass through, so we were moved into a nondescript room near the hotel’s ballroom. It never rained. One of my bridesmaids fainted mid-ceremony, and the photographer took not one picture of me alone, nor one picture of my mom and me, or my dad and me. I was so distracted by the goings on that day, that I didn’t realize until after the wedding that so many pictures had been missed. The rabbi decided to do a grace after the meal that lasted a good 15 minutes, putting a damper on the dancing and frivolity we’d been enjoying up to that point. People still come up to me and tell me what a great wedding it was all of those years ago. I smile and say “it was, wasn’t it?” But just between you and me, we know the truth.

  75. It will actually turn into an amazing funny story to tell down I’m the future! It hurts now but these things turn into the better memories because they were in fact, more memorable than “perfectly executed” ceremony.

  76. First of all, congrats on getting hitched! its more than just having a party or an event. it is a big deal and it is stressful, even to the most laid back person. Not to be encouraging, ;-) but I’m in my second marriage and even after having a wedding do-over this January, some things just weren’t the way I had imagined them. But, like you said – I got to marry my best friend, my favorite person in the world, my love.

  77. So sorry to hear that your day went so wrong on so many levels. I feel fortunate that my April wedding went off without a hitch, but many of my friends had “horror story” weddings. You have every, excuse my French, damn right to be upset. You hired these people to follow thru on a service for your special day and they failed miserably, I don’t know what it is about people in the wedding business or any other business that just doesn’t give a rat’s patoot about someone else’s memories, time, money, guests….ughhk. I hope you can some day laugh about it when it isn’t so raw. Here’s hoping that you had an amazing honeymoon.and as my grandmother used to say, “may all your bad luck go with them”. :)

    • Ha, I love that last comment!
      Yeah, my only guess about the wedding industry is that they can kinda get away with horrible service because most of their customers are not repeat ones….
      Thanks for reading!

  78. I am sorry about your day going so wrong… Four years ago I had a lovely wedding, but the only moments that I begged the videographer to get were the ones he disappeared for.
    My daughter was my flower girl, and I will never get to see her walking down the aisle or entering the hall with the song she chose. He missed my entire bridal party’s entrance – go figure – the few events that I couldn’t be there to witness (because I was hidden out of site preparing for my own big entrance) were the ones that he failed to capture.
    I was sad for months, still am to be honest. We got a full $2000 refund but the rest of the video he shot was crap as well, and I will never get a do-over.

    Like you, I try to focus on the parts that were glorious, and there WERE glorious moments!

    However I will never get over the fact that I didn’t even get to try a single bite of the summer strawberry salad that I was SO freaking excited about!

  79. Congratulations!!! Dont worry. In every wedding something or the other goes wrong. Years later when you look back it is these wrongs which will make your wedding beautifull. Best part is inspite of all these u had a great time. As for ceremony you can always have a similar one on your first aniversary. As of now you should look forward to a memorable honeymoon.

  80. Thank you so much for writing this post! I thought I was the only one who had such a troubled wedding, what I thought would be the best day of my life. Both family, friends and vendors have hurt me so deeply I simply try not to think of the day so as not to start crying. I was married three months ago. The best I can take from the whole thing is a new perspective of who I want in my life and some very beautiful pictures. My husband and I were already soul mates to start with so that has just stayed the same and I know I am lucky for that treasure.

  81. I remember good and not so good moments and a little bit of disappointment at our ceremony. It was really kept to a minimum because I let it all go and let it happen. The less I tried to control the easier it all became. Water off of a ducks back…

    I have been to a number of weddings and helped a bunch of friends with theirs, I have come to believe that one of the biggest issues with “let down” is the expectations that we place on our big day… we dream of it our whole life (really?) That is a lot to live up to and most certainly it will end in disappointment.

    The disappointments that we feel in life are the result of expectations not met – realistic or not. Society sets us up for disappointment. Fairy tale weddings and fairy tale relationships. They just do not exist in reality.

    Acknowledge your sadness that things did not go as planned but remember to focus on the goodness and the happiness that you felt when it mattered. Don’t let the disappointment carry over into your honeymoon or the rest of your life.

    I wish you the best as you move forward. There are going to be so many other wonderful things in your life that this will all fade into the background and you can celebrate your love and your life as it happens.

    But really, you are a marriage and family therapist… you know this,

    • Thanks for your comment.
      Like I said, I never asked for perfect or expected it. I didn’t expect a fairy tale, but I did expect my vendors to do their jobs. I also didn’t expect to get sick, which I think is pretty normal.
      I’ll continue to get through my feelings as they come up.
      Thanks so much for reading.

      • Sick can be pretty normal. I remember waking up so nauseated on my wedding day I thought I was going to die. Didn’t get to enjoy any of the food, even made a comment like “if you get near me with that cake I’ll throw up on you” and “get me out if this d@mn dress, I’m suffocating, don’t even think you are going to touch me…” Nice huh…

        But that isn’t what I remember…

  82. Makes me think of my wedding. The pastor was new and missed all of her cues. She gave her speech during the wedding march and i walked down the isle with no music. She told my very conservative family that my husband and i lived together before the wedding. Then Yellow jackets attacked the wedding party. We were angry for a long time about the disaster. But, after 17 years we look back and laugh. We are planning a vow renewal at disneys wedding pavilion. Just us, no one else to screw it up!!! Lol

  83. May your marriage be as full of delightful surprises as your wedding was full of disappointments.
    May you remember that the best part is, as you said, that you get to be married to that wonderful guy.
    May you, someday, remember that wedding day with laughter instead of anger.
    And may you have an absolutely perfect 50th anniversary party.

  84. I am so sorry to hear this. I know what it can be when all you have dreamt about for so many years comes to a fairly mediocre closure. I sincerely hope you have a fabulous time at your honeymoon and that your fun makes you forget whatever went wrong at your wedding!

  85. It’s really hard to be so honest about disappointment when it is paired with such joy. I’m sorry your day was rough. There will probably come a day, sooner than you think, that you can laugh about it. And, if nothing else, use this experience to help you plan the best 50th anniversary party EVER!!!

  86. I would just like to say I’m sorry your big day didn’t go as planned. However, I would like to point out to you that you have your best friend as your husband.. and that should be all that matters now. My fiance just called off our engagement, and 7 year relationship, on Saturday. He is my best friend and the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.. so be glad you have yours.

  87. If it were me, and it’s not, I’d get a photographer to capture moments that didn’t happen. Yes, out your dress back on and do a mulligan of photos. In 30 yrs you’ll have the pics. Your kids will see pics. Bummer that it didn’t happen as planned but guess what.. You can’t change that. What you can change is the ending if this day. Re-create it! It’s not perfect but it could be un. Hurry while the dress still fits. Lol…

  88. My wedding wasn’t all I expected either but Oh My, after reading this I look back on it with fond memories! Sounds like a rough night after so much planning :( Prob doesn’t help you but if its any consolation, my wedding memories just got a bit brighter. There’s always the honeymoon! We planned a 6-month trip through Europe to extend any wedding day memories we missed! Good luck coping! Enjoy your trip.

  89. I know exactly how you’re feeling! I just got married this past May, and I was so bitter about the whole thing for months… I’m just now getting over it. I was the very last person to leave my wedding! Had to clean up the whole thing and listen to people complain about it all. So I feel you… and I don’t believe you should feel bad for your feelings. A wedding day is what we dream of our whole lives, and those months leading up to it are so exciting and hopeful… and when it crashes and pretty much burns, it’s hard not to want a re-do. My feelings all changed when my wedding photos arrived and I saw how happy I really was that day :) I hope you feel that joy soon too!

  90. I commend you for acknowledging that in the end you did get married to your best friend, and being able to point out what did go right.

    Regarding the things that went wrong… I’m with some of the others. I’d lodge complaints, and even ask for at least partial refunds. There is never a reason for someone to announce a couple by the WRONG NAME! Your paying very good money for what you asked for, and for you not to enjoy it, on your wedding day, is just ludicrous.

    Hope you were able to enjoy your honeymoon and Congratulations. I wish you the best of luck on your future together.

    • Thank you very much.
      Oh yes, complaints were voiced and partial refunds were given. Not all vendors agreed that they were in the wrong, however. I plan to respond with honest reviews on Yelp.

  91. Personally, with the divorce rate in this world as high as it is, everyone should just get married in the courthouse and call it a day. THEN, when you’ve been married for 5 years, you can throw the big party and reception. I don’t understand why so much money has to be wasted on 1 day?!? I’ve stood-up and have given hundreds of dollars away to friends who have gotten married and divorced within one year (aren’t you supposed to return the gifts?)
    I feel for you on not having the day you wanted, but what is that day all about anyway? Not all the flowers, food or your dress, it is about committing to someone for the rest of your lives. Be happy that that happened.
    I got married in St. Thomas, in a nice $50 dress on a beach w/an officiate and the only guests there were seagulls. I had no vendors or guests to cause any issues. It was the best day of my life.
    Congrats on getting pressed!

    • With no disrespect, my first inclination was to make a joke about pumping money into the wedding industry as a way of helping the economy.
      But in all seriousness, we wanted the party. Yes, it was about getting legally married, but we wanted to spend money on the party for the pomp and circumstance of it all. And we experienced a loss of those expectations, hence the sad reaction.
      Thanks for reading!

  92. Have you thought about renewing your vows? this would give you a way to celebrate again but in a different way? some people do it on their honeymoon as something very private. you could also commission a photographer to take the pictures under the old oak tree at sunset. put your dress on again and just enjoy a very private moment that you have made happen, on your own terms. hope this helps. have a great honeymoon. Gaelle

  93. Dear Lyssa,

    Firstly, ;(( I’m sorry you experienced all that, and I am very glad that you enjoyed the honeymoon :) me and hubby are three years in now and still haven’t had one. But what I’m going to share may be a quite different perspective than you’ve been receiving. Marriage is beautiful. It’s two people pledging their lives to one another through the good and bad, it’s two people becoming one. It is the most intimate relationship one could experience with another human being. It is sacred:

    “And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. And we are members of his body. As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one.” (Ephesians 5:21-32)

    It is the sole relationship on earth that God uses to illustrate His intimate love-relationship He has with His people, and because of this, like all things that are holy and sacred, the enemy desires to desecrate it, to ruin it from the very beginning, just as he did in the very beginning with Adam and Eve. Jesus taught that Satan comes to steal, kill, and destroy, and he tried to steal the joy of marrying your best friend. But I pray you both are drawn closer to the One who came to bring abundant life and to “make your joy complete.” He can restore your worst times, and miraculously use them for good. Gelato is yummy, but I pray that you run into His arms for comfort now. God bless you. I will be praying for you.


  94. sadly this is a common symptom in females post-wedding. media, tv and film drum up this unobtainable hype that weddings should be a ‘perfect day’ (as they also do for overblown gestures at the proposal stage). the reality is that there’s no such thing as a perfect day. it is, however, a common psychological trap to fall into and become fixated on the superficiality of ‘the day’ instead of the purpose of the day (formalise your love for another human being) and concentrate on ‘shoulds’ instead of appreciating the great parts of the event. in many parts of the world people don’t have the opportunity to celebrate with the decadence of those in the west where the average wedding costs more than a brand new family car and people fixate over flower arrangements, bar staff and DJ’s playlists.

    my advice is forget it the bad bits and enjoy what the wedding should be about. the celebration of your partnership. and if you can’t do that – you probably married the wrong guy.

    • I did not ask for perfection, nor did I expect it.
      I also didn’t adhere to “shoulds” except for what myself and my husband wanted for our wedding.
      I don’t plan to forget the bad bits because if I forget them, then I can’t expect to learn from them.
      I also plan to honor my feelings of sadness and make room for them if and when they crop up.
      Thanks for taking the time to read my post.

  95. Oh Goodness! THat would be tough to not get upset about. I’d almos think sueing them would make me feel a bit better! However you looked gorgeous! I’m sorry for such a rough time!

  96. aww! over time the human brain has a way of filtering out the bad stuff and promoting the good, so you will remember it far better ina few years :)
    Thank God we have a civil ceremony and restaurant for about £500 ;)

  97. Hey! Cheer up. every wedding has its share of misses. I remember not eating any food at all in mine, and what was worse, people came and complimented me for the good food!!!
    And, if you take my advice, you should probably forget about blogging for the time you are honey-mooning! Go, have fun, discover each other, and forget about what didn’t go right at the wedding. Nobody cares much.
    Congrats and best wishes,

  98. You should now have your own mini-wedding. Not many people get that chance – but here it is for you. Have a day of photoshoots by the oak tree..have a night of dance toyourselves under the stars. Make more vows and say them again. LIve your dream again – in exactly your way..

  99. I’m sorry your dream day didn’t go as planned. But congrats on marrying the man God intended you to spend the rest of your life with! Your dress is gorgeous and you two sure look happy. God bless!

  100. I’d sue all the paid professionals who ruined your wedding — there isn’t much else you can do at this point.

    Sorry it was such a nightmare. It makes me grateful that both of my weddings went off perfectly — although the first marriage obviously did not.

    Clearly, mine were minority experiences.

  101. I got hitched this 20th of july 2013. Though i was in the cloud 9 the day of my wedding. i still feel the stress. The night before the wedding instead of resting and preparing for the next day big day. a bunch of my husband family went to our hotel to wait for him. while he is picking up his friend in the airport. they waited in the hotel till 10 pm i think. when he came back. we went outside the hotel to eat for dinner. he left with his friend to drink so1 to 2 beer. he didn’t knew that i was in the outside the hotel just sitting around. i dont know where to go, i just couldn’t deal and talk with the family at the hotel. because was so drained to face all the questions that they have. (since me and my family prepared for the wedding.i was to emotional that i couldn’t take some rest. so i got back around 12. he was so worried and he thought of something bad happened to me. they were all looking for me and i saw him crying and freaking out till we fell a sleep.

    i just slept for 4 hours i think. at around 9 am the bridesmaid and some women including his side inside the my room of the hotel. some of them, some of his relatives was looking at me in a tiger look. could you imagine that while the photographer is taking a picture i was trying to make a pose and feel like i’m so happy.

    at the wedding the grooms men including the groom forgot to put their boutonnières for what reason? the vendor for the flowers had family issue. her father in law just died which i understand thats why she made 3 times delayed to send the artificial flower i ordered.

    I preferred the artificial flowers so that i have time to prepare for it earlier, but the vendor came, the day of my wedding while everyone is in my room.

    I added 3 tables for the wedding, each table has supposedly has 10 people. I consider some people who wanted to attend to my wedding. Some of the tables are almost empty.
    in one table sometimes they’re just 4 or 3, the worst that i saw is 1 in a table. i was really disappointed, i assumed that alot people are coming since they confirmed and it was RSVP. I forgot that i was in the Philippines not in Vienna where me and my husband used to live. Some of the Filipino usually came late to a party or worst they wont be coming.

    my father didn’t came haisst i have so much to tell about that so i rather stop now.
    let’s all be happy now that we’re married to our soulmate. :) though our wedding didn’t went well as we expected at leas we got married with the right person that we love. :)

  102. It is so hard to deal with disappointment, especially when expectations are so high. So sorry that your wedding day turned out that way. In my case, it was the honeymoon trip that had so many little disasters that added up to one big disaster. Nearly 10 years later, I feel like it was our first marriage test and if we could survive that together we can take on anything! :-)

  103. I can relate to your wedding blues. I was in the middle of planning my wedding when we found out we were pregnant with twins. I wanted to call it off but was convinced not to. The whole time I was uncomfortable in my skin. I didn’t get to wear the dress I had picked out either. I still have it hanging in my closet with the tags still on it. It gets better with time. Enjoy your honeymoon :)

  104. I’m sorry things didn’t turn out as you had hoped or planned. Isn’t it crazy when you hire people to do their job and even that doesn’t work out? Life does have its ups and downs and I hope in time you do remember the goodness and the love and the brilliance that you as a united married couple make in your lives going forward.
    This reminds me of when my daughter was first born and it was such a struggle for me and I hated it. Everyone was over the moon, glowing and basking in motherhood and delighted in their new spawn, whereas I was just looking for the nearest exit. I always always always loved my daughter, but the experience of early infancy almost drove me over the edge. I’ve learned to grieve that feeling and honor it. There is no right way about things and I’ve stopped wishing it had turned out differently. It was what it was and in time I accepted that. Congrats on being married and happy honeymooning!

  105. Awe I’m so very sorry. I can’t imagine how you feel. Hopefully your honeymoon made up for the wedding experience. Maybe on your 1 yr anniversary do a private party, to just celebrate and enjoy.

  106. Tt’s worth feeling sad that your money wasn’t well spent to your liking.

    Otherwise it’s not worth overfocusing on the wedding. Your marital happiness is the future, not the past.

    From someone who has been with her partner for last 22 yrs. and …we’re not even married. Terrible? Nope. We’re so happy to have found each other and enriched each other’s lives.

    (He was divorced with 2 now adult children.) Respect, fidelity, love and happiness is how you live your partnership. It’s not the wedding event.

    Enjoy the honeymoon to the hilt and thereafter.

  107. Sorry your big day wasn’t what you wanted it to be! Going to the hospital had to have been so hard! Maybe one day you can laugh about it? Here’s something that *might* make you feel better….when I finally got my wedding photos back (after hiring a co-worker to take them for me for very little money) I saw that in almost every single photo, the strap that goes on the inside of your dress to keep it from falling off the hanger was hanging out of the sleeve in almost every single picture. This was before photographers were using digital cameras. No one following us around while we took pictures noticed this, including my husband, best friend, and the photographer! So, it makes me sad that some of my favorite photos of us have that stupid strap hanging out. But, 11 years later, I don’t really care as much, because I look at our lives together and realize we’ve come a long way from that day. But, it was very disappointing too. Hope in time it will feel better.

    • I can understand your disappointment. While we were in the ER, I turned to my husband and said, “in sickness and in health, right?” So I’m sure we’ll be fine :)
      Thanks for reading!

  108. I didn’t have most of the bad stuff happen to me that happened to you, but then my wedding day was 14 years ago and I’ve forgotten most of it! I know that you can’t see it now, but in a few years you’ll read your post or think about your wedding mishaps and laugh about it. Believe me. The important thing is not the wedding but the marriage. So many people have had the wedding of their dreams and the marriage of nightmares. Don’t sweat it! By the way, maybe you should organize a do-over next year on your first anniversary. This way you’ll know exactly what to expect and plan for any eventualities. In the meantime, congrats on your wedding and enjoy the rest of your life with your best friend. :)

  109. Ok. I am sharing in hopes of making you feel better, and not to one-up anything.

    I fainted on the altar. In a “the wedding came to a screeching halt for 15 minutes” kind of way.

    I get what you are saying about wanting to do it again. If you are waking up with a pit in your stomach every morning, reliving that it didn’t go the way you’d hope, I can relate to that too. And the wanting to do it again. Check. And all the other little things that you may not have noticed if some big things didn’t go wrong. Check, check. I have a hard time looking at the pictures. And when I think that every single guest in that church had to wonder if I fainted because I just wasn’t sure, I still want to come out of my skin.

    It’s nine years and three kids later though. And my desire to have a re-do for our tenth has waned. It was a day, only the first day, and kind of metaphorical for all the days that came next. We rolled with it on day one, and we’re still rolling with it on day 3285. We have a lovely life, even if we didn’t have the best wedding.

    Wishing you peace.

      • I too have been married for nearly 10 years and like fullofgracedj would happily redo a lot of things at our wedding. I have never voiced the disappointment that I felt after the day- other than my disappointment and irratation at the photographer (we have no photographs of my family outside of the bridal party). I have yet to watch the video of the day as I don’t want to stir up the negative memories.

        Fullofgracedj has hit the nail on the head that while redoing/ renewing the vows would be nice, actually appreciating what we do have and have had for the last 10 years is what matters.

  110. Very sorry to hear that you had so many calamities to deal with! But don’t let “stuff” spoil the true triumph of the day, marrying your partner! When so much has been invested in “the day” it’s easy to lose sight of the true fact, your wedding shouldn’t be the best day of your life, its just the start of all your best days to come, together!
    Put the tribulations of the day behind you, go enjoy your honeymoon, and know that whatever life throws at you, good or bad, you’ll never have to face it alone.
    And when you get home, sue the crap out of those useless vendors!

  111. I’m so sorry to hear this. A wedding is something we dream about our whole lives and when it doesn’t happen the way we wanted, it can be crushing. So may expectations, popped like a sad little balloon. Best advice my sister-in-law, a counselor, gave me when struggling with something is to “be in the moment, be okay with where you are. Don’t try to feel any feelings that you don’t feel and be sad when you want to be.”

    From your post it sounds like you’re already doing that, so that’s good. I’m sure things will look up soon. And regardless of how disastrous it all was, congratulations to you and your new HUSBAND! Isn’t it fun saying that word? :)

  112. After thirty years of marriage I felt that the most important, paragraph you wrote was:
    The ceremony was absolutely beautiful and went better than both Brian and I anticipated. We wrote our own vows and they were absolutely perfect. We made each other laugh and cry…. I got to marry my best friend in the whole world.
    That is what it is all about no matter how many people were there or weren’t or if stuff went wrong, so what? You will laugh about it and have great memories to look back on. Now it is time to look forward and be patient, don’t look for perfect, just enjoy each day, good and bad. I learn’t to and it has been educating and would I have changed it, some of it perhaps but not much. Enjoy

  113. I hear what you are saying. I had similar disaster issues with my sister’s wedding. It was crazy. That’s why I am having a destination wedding in Ireland with less than 20 people. I am sure there will still be issues, but I really won’t care because I will be in Ireland. Here’s to hoping your honeymoon is wonderful. If you want some free photography sessions in your wedding attire and can make it to the Orange County area I would be happy to provide you with some!

  114. grieve but don’t let it take over your togetherness. the best of plans go awry at times (I hope i dont sound patronising, but just wait until you start microplanning kiddie birthday parties, and husband’s 40th). my initial reaction is that wow, my wedding was so different, but now, almost 18 years later, I do vaguely remember my husband’s uncle’s anti-me speech (he was asked to speak on behalf of the groom), and our quick decision supported by everyone else to edit his delivery out of the wedding video and my passing regret now that we did so. it’s clichéd, but time really does heal, and happily, as we get older, our memories get really really selective, so there’s hope that the great moments in your wedding overshadow the downers! Your hard work is only now starting and the fruit it yields may be both sweet and sour, but drowning in sweetness may be the way to go (uttered by me the chocoholic). ENJOY MARRIED LIFE!!!

  115. I hope you had a great honeymoon. I married in May this year and I still have a few emotional days. I am a bit envious that your issues were with vendors, not with family. Leading up to the wedding I had my mom texting while I tried on my first and only dress, and it was hard for me to let that one go. The day of the wedding, one of my bridesmaids, sister of the groom, had a major meltdown, had a screaming match with my sister, told me I am the new bit%$ of the family before I walked down the aisle, and we haven’t talked since.

    All of the little things that didn’t go right the wedding day don’t compare with the hurt she left me. My advice for you – as I have to tell myself is – it was only one day. Start focusing on our life together and everything that ill be – whether that’s having a family, moving into a new house, traveling the world!

      • all hurts no matter what. We have high expectations for the day, everyone warns us not to, but it’s tough. Whether you put 6 months or two years into planning it, it’s a huge letdown when it doesn’t go as planned. I hope your sadness didn’t interfere with your honeymoon. You will still have bad days here and there, I will be reminded of that day when I have to see my sister-in-law at Christmas. Your feelings are totally normal, but I am sure they will pass soon :)

  116. We all need a little compassion when we see our fantasies turn to reality. You tried to make a great big special day extra special and life got in the way…that tends to hurt, a lot. I hope you have a great time on your honeymoon. Maybe in time you and your guy can find some humor in all that went wrong…laughter keeps the love alive.

  117. This may sound really silly coming from a man’s perspective and the fact that I am a wedding photographer however after reading about your day I feel so bad for you. I personally go through hell and back for my brides to make sure their day is special. The real reason I was commenting though……My wonderful wife of 12 years has at least 3 more weddings for us! We eloped to Vegas then had a traditional wedding with family and friends. She plans on having a beach wedding, a military wedding (I am a US Marine), a night wedding, and there is some idea about a yacht. The point is, as mentioned by others, your married to your best friend and you can do it all over again and again but not have so much pressure on the next one. Repeating your vows or writing new ones just make it that much better. You get to reaffirm your love to your husband. Best wishes to you both and have a wonderful long and happy marriage.

  118. My man and I are getting hitched this weekend and although I had envisioned a beautiful, big wedding where I was the star and the groom my co-star, we aren’t doing what I felt I would do from the time I was a little girl. It’s a little sad, but we are having a baby and we wanted to be married before the arrival of the little kid, so I’m not a size 2 bride…and fingers crossed the dress won’t need last minute alterations. We are getting married in my childhood home living room. No alcohol, no dancing, no friends, just dinner with 15 of our immediate family. Money, baby, the fact I want my grandparents see me married, and that in the end, we can have another celebration any time (which you can too!), we prioritized that being together is way more important than the day. But it still hurts a little and I’m worried I feel wanting. But for now I’m going to party it up at all the other weddings I attend, be super critical of their event, and be happy they are footing the bill and not me. Live vicariously. Enjoy your honeymoon and I bet the pictures will be great…which is the best part of the wedding anyway. And the gifts…I won’t have any of those either but I guess the gift of love is good enough…

  119. Aw well it sounds like there were some good parts, but its sad to hear that mostly you feel disappointed. It’s such a big day and there can be a lot of build-up… it totally sucks that it just didn’t go right. Now you’ll just have to stay together forever so you can do a vow renewal and have a do-over with the celebration. Enjoy your honeymoon!

  120. Awww…am sorry that things went a bit haywire…but the moments you have captured will be forever…
    congratulations on your wedding and for having to share it with your best friend for the day and for a lifetime…good luck for your honeymoon and hope we get to read an update soon :)

  121. People sometimes don’t get that one just wants to complain and whine and bitch about something and offer their most sincere pieces of non requested advice. Therefore, all I’m saying is I’m sorry you feel this way.
    I got married two months ago and I was also barely able to eat something; I’m told this is normal but still I was overwhelmed at some point with so many people. One never realizes this kind of things when attending other people’s weddings, right?
    Anyway, I wish you a do-over… maybe in a year or so, talk to your hubby about it but I have the feeling he might want to first finish paying this one off! :D
    Best wishes and congratulations on getting freshly pressed.

  122. Documenting your disappointment is as significant as capturing your dreams. My own wedding was not of my making and rife with disappointments, but thirteen years later it is one page of a beautiful story.

  123. I hate it when people ask questions they either don’t care about or don’t have time to listen to the answers for. I don’t even like the question “how are you” (as a sort of greeting) when I am having a fantastic day (so you can imagine how much I like it when I am having a lousy day). I do hope your honeymoon goes well but I won’t give you shit if it doesn’t.

    • I agree – I also have a hard time with idle banter.
      That’s partly why I love being a therapist, because when I ask people “How are you doing?” I actually mean it and want to hear the answer.

  124. Without reading any of the above comments, Im offering my two cents.

    I had a horrible first marriage. I was married in the Mayor’s Office when I was 6months pregnant. We had dinner at Outback Steakhouse, a cake from a grocery store and my EX was completely drunk before we got to our hotel room. Stumbled down the hall. Threw up on the floor. Passed out on the bed and I cried myself to sleep.

    When I met the love of my life and he proposed, we just wanted to get married. We wanted to run off and elope so that it would just be about us but since my Dad had almost died earlier in the year, there was a part of me that wanted my Dad to walk me down the aisle and to have a first dance with my husband. I wanted to celebrate something amazing with my kids, parents, family and friends whom had seen us through so much bad.

    We decided to have a wedding. We planned all these moments and photos we wanted, the perfect time and the perfect songs. NOTHING went the way it should have. The wrong song started to play while I walked down the aisle. As we said our vows, drunk wedding guests from the other side of the country club stumbled and screaming “Woooooo!” This was something the events coordinator assured us wouldn’t happen. I didn’t get to eat dinner, missed my sunset picture and didn’t get to tell my parents good-bye or do our planned exit because our driver rushed us out the door.

    The people who attended our wedding all say it was the best wedding they had ever been to, they could tell how much we loved one another and they had so much fun. When people who weren’t there asked how it was, I said “Wasn’t perfect, but the marriage’s great!”

    We just celebrated our 5yr wedding anniversary and the only thing I really remember on any given day (when I don’t come across a blog like this) is the joy, everything we’ve done together, good and bad, these past 5yrs and that one day is a vague memory, I have some pictures of. The marriage is my moment.

  125. I really needed to read this post, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts! I think the day just has such a build up and such high expectations that its easy to fall short. We had a short list of things that went wrong including me not being able to enjoy the food and drink and the venue shutting up early leading to a lot of embarrassment on my behalf. I’ve felt in such a weird limbo of happiness and disappoitment over the last 2 years but havent really been able to tell anyone! I hope you feel good about your day soon! :)

  126. You look like a great couple. The best. One day believe it or not you will look back on this and laugh. I know that does not help now, but in the future you will realize that being together is more important. It is sharing the ups and downs that make a marriage. My wife and I are have been married since 1970. We got married through the service of the mail. I wrote a blog on it Love and a Stamp. Read it maybe it will make you smile. I hope so. You are starting out and you have a lot of great stuff in store for you, kids, house, cars, pets, etc. May you have long lives and great happiness.

  127. I can completely sympathise :( My caterer showed up three hours late, our priest lost our vows that took us months to write, our rings were forgotten at home, our photographer was terrible and took more photo’s of shoes than of us (We have like 3 photo’s of us and our guests, including one of us with family and half of them are cut off the end). It’s such a devastating blow, considering how much you pay for it and how long you prepare. So I understand completely.

    But.. The aim of the day is to marry the person you want to spend your life with, and if that has happened by the end of the day, the day has been a success.. Well, that’s what I keep telling myself!


  128. Oh my god, I know, I understand. It’s funny as I read this, I got married twenty-three years ago today, although today is not our official anniversary as we did the courthouse thing prior in October, a year before the celebratory wedding day! I totally feel you in so many ways here. I could have written this post! You are not alone. The expectations are so high, so grand, of the day and all it should mean. I could go on, but I just want to express it’s okay to feel sad, and you have it right, the best thing is you married someone you love. I hope you had a wonderful honeymoon! You look absolutely gorgeous in your dress!! You were a beautiful bride. Hey, and you got Freshly Pressed, so that was a great outcome!! Congrats!

  129. Dear Lyssapants, I’m so sorry so much went wrong on your very special day – and you are quite right, at the moment i guess there is a mismatch between what intellectually you can tell yourself ‘we have the rest of our lives together and that’s the important thing’ and that is true – but so is the gut feeling of pain and loss that the magical marker and symbol of ‘the rest of our lives’ didn’t happen. Ceremonies ARE important, else we wouldn’t need to do them. Both the logical left brain analysis which helps us process the huge stuff and the instant gut response of pain and disappointment need to be heard.

    I hope your honeymoon helps you both build better memories of your special time

  130. That “like” up there was for you, my lovely, and how brave and awesome and honest you are even when things are crappy and unexpected – if there was a “love” button I would have clicked that instead. *hug*

  131. Pingback: Transitional periods are hard | Psychobabble

  132. In my family we have an expression – Does she want the marriage or the wedding? I get being disappointed that things didn’t go off as you planned, but your wedding is one day, your marriage will last for the rest of your life. As you said, your vows were perfect, there were many highlights and upsides to your big day and though I’ve never been married I could have told you that for the bride the day is a blur and it was unlikely you were ever going to get close to that sundae bar. Enjoy your ice cream, watch the video and laugh at all the foibles and then appreciate that your life is going to be an amazing and wonderful adventure with your best friend.

    • Your expression implies that one can only have one or the other, and I imagine that most people want both, for the same reasons that I wanted both.

      I’ve already had the marriage for several years now, and I wanted the party, and I’m sad I didn’t get it, even after all that planning. I know it’s just a day, but it was a very important day to me, and that’s why I’m so sad. It’ll pass, but it just hasn’t yet.

  133. Lyssa, I am so sorry that things didn’t go as expected and I think you have every right to feel disappointed and let down for all you invested in it. I know you know that grief is important, no matter what it’s for. Glad to see that the honeymoon was much better.. gelato improves many things.

  134. So sorry Lyssa! It is totally okay to grieve! I’m still a little bitter about the way my wedding went down 8 years later! The DJ did not stick to my playlist. The caterer was an absolute bitch, made it very clear she didn’t want to be there, yelled at everyone including my mother and left early. The cake lady was sick and her friend delivered the cake but didn’t know how to set it up so she just left it sitting on a table undecorated. The a/c was broken in the rooms my bridesmaids and I were getting ready in and it was 105 that day. They forgot to announce us as we came in. They forgot to bring out the bubbly when everyone did toasts. Nobody danced (probably because the DJ played weird, lame music), and my mother-in-law invited Dylan’s ex-girlfriend without my knowledge.

    It’s totally okay to be sad about what you thought would be a beautiful celebration of your love!

  135. Sending you a hug here.

    Weddings are hard. My florist stopped talking to me for the last 2 weeks leading up to the day, and the photographer cancelled 3 days before.

    It is ok to feel bad about the bad parts.

    The really, really good part? You got married!

    The highest function of love is that it makes the loved one a unique and irreplaceable being.”
    ― Tom Robbins, Jitterbug Perfume

    Congratulations on finding your irreplaceable other.

    And make that honeymoon epic!!!

  136. I am so sorry I am just now noticing that you even wrote this post. I am a bad online bridesmaid. I am, however, so glad that you are honoring your feelings and that you’re taking the time with Brian to process the day and grieve for it. While it’s true that even though you DID get married to your best friend and that’s the whole purpose of a wedding and blah blah blah, you are completely entitled to your feelings of incredible disappointment. A wedding isn’t just a special day; it is the kind of day you look forward to for your whole life.

    I hope you guys had a wonderful honeymoon. You deserve it. xoxo

  137. It’s been a few weeks so hopefully the disappointment isn’t so raw by now. I’m sure you’re both greatly consoled by the knowledge that neither of you has married a turkey. This is what really counts and it will comfort you more and more as time goes by. Congratulations!

  138. Ugh, that really blows. I won’t regale you with my horror story, unless that’s helpful, which it probably isn’t. It’s so hard to put SO much effort into planning such an important milestone in your life and then to have other people let you down.

    • I had a spray tan on the day of my wedding, and it spotted me orange. My entire body was spotted and streaked. There are no pictures because my dress was a short dress above the knee that showed off my spotted and striped legs. We overslept and missed our plane for the honeymoon, and one of my friends told my father in law that this was my third wedding. It wasn’t, but the man looked at me and said, “Really?” like he wondered. Have another wedding if this is that important to you. Put your dress on and go take photos under the oak tree. There is no rule book on getting married. Give yourself a do-over if your actually grieving over the failure of aspects of your wedding.

  139. Oh man, so sorry your wedding didn’t turn out the way you’d pictured…I have to say though, as I sneak up on 19 years very soon, that mine didnt go exactly to plan either BUT…my mates still talk about my wedding as a great day for them…isn’t that weird?

  140. Thank you for sharing this. I can only imagine how difficult it was to write, and I’m terribly sorry that your special day wasn’t everything you had planned for. My hope for you is that several years from now you’ll be able to look back and laugh at everything that went wrong, just like the best party stories are the ones about things going wrong. My aunt’s wedding was a fiasco from start to finish (bridesmaids dresses ripping before we even made it down the aisle, a fist fight between one of the groomsmen and the limo driver, banquet cleaning staff that turfed all of the wedding party’s food while we were on the dance floor, a screaming match between my 10 year old sister and the woman who caught the bouquet – caught on camera, of course.. the list goes on) but now that it’s in the past we can look back and giggle. Have fun on your honeymoon and eat as much damn gelato as you can! :)

  141. I’m sorry, Lyssa. This sucks. Maybe one day, when it’s less raw, I can regale you with tales from our wedding video days. Once we had a wedding party all get food poisoning at the rehearsal dinner… Shockingly, that was not the wedding where the maid of honor puked all over the dance floor. You know where to find me if you want to gab. XOXOXO

  142. I’m really, really sorry to hear that your wedding left you feeling deflated. That’s not how anyone wants to feel on the happiest day of their life. For me, the most important part of the ceremonies I’ve attended is how much love I feel between the couple. If it’s there, I’ve had a good time. Maybe you can take comfort in the fact that you got to marry your best friend, and share that love, in front of everyone.

    You should get remarried on your 5th or 10th anniversary and have the wedding you always wanted.

  143. My heart goes out to you both! I’m happy for the parts that made you happy, and sad for the parts that made you sad. Dave and I didn’t have the wedding we thought we would either, but as you said what truly matters is that we wound up together. On another note, if you ever do have a redo, I might be able to attend because I won’t be in my 3rd trimester of pregnancy. I do hope to get to meet you soon!

  144. I am so sorry your wedding day was such a let down. A wedding is such an investment, not only money but time and hope too. I feel so sad for you that it wasn’t your special day the way you wanted it to be. A wedding is to create memories and it so tough to remember all the good between the bad. But, you have so many good memories already, and so many more to come! I hope that when you moment of sadness is over you will find time for happiness, joy and gratefulness.

  145. I learnt lately to have some compassion for yourself, yes your dreams were spoilt by things out of your control but its ok to feel sad as your hurting.
    I hope your honeymoon is all what you wish it to be xxx

  146. OK, i’ll break the ice… poignant post, Lyssa. I’m so very sorry that things went this way, as I know you and Brian worked so hard in the planning stages. It’s true, so many of us were excited for you and looking forward to an update. BUT, and I know I can’t be alone, those expectations are not something you need to add to the list. I am not such a stalker that I think we’re really friends, but there is a level of caring amongst blog buddies that is real. My real feelings were based on a hope that you would have all that you wanted… however, my only feelings now are shared sadness for your lost experience, and compassion for your grief. I appreciate you being clear in your needs… that you don’t want cheering up. I get it, and understand what you’re feeling.

    My wedding was a big disappointment too. I’ll spare you the long list of let downs. Suffice it to say, the hotel we spend our wedding night in, caught fire at 2 AM, and all I had was my wedding gown, because my attendants forgot to bring me any clothes… ANY clothes! I was sure the dress (I had to settle for) would melt all over me! That was not the worst thing that went wrong. It’s a loss, the dreams of what you wanted versus what happened. I understand your sadness. I hope you and Brian can recapture the joie de vivre from those wonderful engagement photos, and remember your on the vacation of a lifetime, with the person of your dreams. The Honeymoon is part 2 of the wedding… may it go so well, you can’t stand it! Hugs, hugs, and more hugs friend. xo

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