I’m really sad about the way my wedding went.
It wasn’t what I wanted. It wasn’t what we had planned for over a year, and what I have anticipated for years, and I desperately want a do-over.
So many things went wrong that I don’t really know where to start. But I do know that I’m having to grieve the loss of the biggest, most important party of my life, and that I’m having to grieve the violation of my expectations, which has always been a tough one for me.
We had issues with a lot of vendors. The bartender showed up late, our ceremony started late, the on site coordinator was shit and was often nowhere to be found. The DJ introduced us with the wrong fucking name. Staff started cleaning the wedding up before it was even over, and someone moved my evening bag from the sweetheart table, delaying our planned exit. The town car was late picking us up at the end of the night, and then they even drove us to the wrong hotel. The worst part, though, was that I suffered late stage heat exhaustion and eventually went to the ER in the wee hours of the morning after the wedding.
I’m pretty devastated. I feel like I have postpartum, but for weddings.
A lot of things went right, and I did manage to have a good time, and I am so thankful that I was physically able to finish the wedding. The ceremony was absolutely beautiful and went better than both Brian and I anticipated. We wrote our own vows and they were absolutely perfect. We made each other laugh and cry…. I got to marry my best friend in the whole world.
But there was so much I didn’t get to do that I really wanted to. Brian and I didn’t get to do our planned first dance. We didn’t get to do the father/daughter and mother/son dances. I wasn’t able to wear my gorgeous dress for the whole night. I barely tasted the food and I didn’t even get to try the ice cream sundae bar that I was just so, so excited about. We didn’t get to go up on the hilltop and have the sunset pictures taken of us under the oak tree. I was really looking forward to that.
So, as you can tell, I have a lot of mixed feelings. They come and go depending on my mood and energy level.
I felt like I needed to write about this….but even as I read back what I just wrote, there’s just nothing I can put down that will accurately capture the sorrow and disappointment I feel.
I’m really working on honoring my feelings and allowing myself to feel sad about the bad parts, and happy about the good parts. And I know it’s going to take a while before the happy outweighs the sad.
It makes me sadder still when I realized I was dreading being asked by friends and coworkers (and fellow bloggers) about how the wedding went. It’s really hard to talk about when 1) the person asking is expecting a glowing report, and 2) I don’t feel like bursting into tears at work or in public or to someone I don’t know very well.
One thing that helps is when others don’t try to cheer me up, and instead allow me to feel sad about it. Yes, I did get married, and yes, I have much to be thankful for. But had Brian and I just wanted to be married, we would have gone to the courthouse a long time ago. We wanted a celebration. We wanted a wedding just like most others, and I feel robbed of that experience. Of course I didn’t expect things to go perfectly, but I didn’t expect such a chaotic let down.
We leave for our honeymoon on Wednesday and my fear is that our sadness will get in the way of us having fun. At times it probably will, and we’re anticipating needing to take some time to grieve together. We also plan to have fun, and we know that having fun will be unavoidable because we’ll be on a boat in the Mediterranean and I’ll be stuffing my face with gelato and pizza. And we’ll be with each other, because in the end, that’s all that matters.
This has been really hard to write, so thanks for reading this far.
Update – If you’d like to read about my healing process, the response to this blog post, and how I am doing more recently, please check out my post: Three Years Later.