At the risk of annoying y’all, I’m posting twice today.
That’s right – TWICE.
WordPress just informed me that it is my blogiversary! Eight years ago today I began an adventure into writing for an audience. It’s been fun and challenging and a learning experience that I plan to continue in some form for years to come.
To all those who actually read this thing- thank you. To those who comment- THANK YOU!
Blog on, my friends.
Blog on.
We hiked five miles today, just the two of us.
This was where we met, where we worked together for several summers, where we fell in love, and where he proposed.
It was great to be back. I missed the beauty of this place.
————-
NaBloPoMo Day 27
Lately, I’ve been trying to stop grumbling (so much) about Oregon (but THE WEATHER!) and focus on the good things. It’s come to my attention that I live here now, and my negative attitude may be getting in the way of feeling more content on a daily basis.
One of the small things I’m trying to do is appreciate my new preschool commute. My son just recently started going (and saved my sanity), and so I make the short 10 minute trip 6 times a week now. I’ve noticed that the commute is quite lovely. It’s on a back road that winds between evergreen trees and other non-evergreen trees that were bright reds, yellows, and oranges a few weeks ago. Sure, there are pot holes that emerge daily and I drive through a construction site and there’s one low-lying part that I’m terrified will end up flooding at some point during the year…but honestly, I’m trying to see these things as part of the adventure.
NaBloPoMo Day 3
We love to camp.
I grew up camping. I was a Girl Scout for 11 years and then a camp counselor. After that, my boyfriend, now husband (whom I met whilst camp counseling) got me hooked on backpacking.
I developed that love-hate relationship with it, where while I’m hiking up the hill in 1354627 degree heat, I just want to die…but once I get to the top, it’s all worth it. Survival. Independence. Self-reliance. All that good stuff that we are so excited to pass on to our kid.
We realized we hadn’t been camping in 4 years, and since I’m pregnant with #2, we needed to get in a trip RIGHT NOW before I am too big and before we have a screaming baby to take care of.
The short version of this story: camping was fucking hard.
Before going, I had read several articles about how camping with kids was so doable, you guys! Just get out there and do it!
And, like a sucker, I was like, YEAH! Let’s do this! What could go wrong?!
The hardest part was trying to keep some kind of normal sleep schedule for my almost 2 year old. He barely napped in the car on the way there. Strike one.
We went out for dinner so we could hurry to the campsite and set up with enough time to put the kid to bed at a reasonable hour. Now, we don’t co-sleep and we put our kid to bed while he’s still wide awake, so it’s his job to self-soothe himself to sleep. I originally worried that there was no way we’d be able to get a pack n play into our tent, because I didn’t see how our thrashy sleeper would get any sleep (let alone US get any sleep) lying on an open mattress next to us. Thank goodness our hand-me-down 5 person tent was plenty big enough to fit the pack n play next to a full sized blow up mattress for my pregnant hips. It was a good start.
Our sleep setup
So we get him to bed, and he’s super distracted (understandable) and it takes him a while to get to bed, but he does, and without crying. When we go in the tent to sleep, I can smell that he’s poopy (my son, not my husband). We decided to let him sleep with the risk that the poopy might give him a rash.
It was a horrible night. I couldn’t sleep and my son couldn’t sleep. Like, at all. I woke up several times to my son standing in the pnp, leaning over me, whispering Mama. Creepy as all hell. Go the eff to sleep, kid.
He woke up upset at 6am, when he normally sleeps til 8 or 9, sometimes even later. I got up to change his poopy (which had leaked all over everything. perfect.) which made him scream and he wouldn’t stop…..and we woke up the entire camp and FELT HORRIBLE.
Breakfast was tough, he didn’t want to eat, he wanted to run away into the road. I was exhausted and cranky and pregnant.
To make matters worse, we had to break down camp completely because we had to switch to a new campsite for the second night. Ugh. We seriously considered just going home.
But I’m glad we didn’t.
Breakfast and cleanup and breaking down camp took forever because one of us had to do all the work while the other made sure Cranky McDidn’t Sleep stayed alive. We managed to pack a lunch, get the hell outta there, and went to the beach (a very short drive away). Dylan perked up, ate, ran through the freezing ankle-deep water. We all had fun. We saw a 100 year old shipwreck!
Then we got to the second campsite and set everything up with enough time for Dylan to actually get a nap in before dinner. He had to cry himself to sleep in order to do it, but he just needed to fuck-ing sleeeeeeeeeeep.
Unfortunately, he woke for dinner sooper cranky and crying and wanting to run out into the road, again. It was incredibly frustrating and scary. Everything during camping is hard to do anyway – cooking, washing dishes, set up, clean up – and it went even slower because one of us had to constantly be following Dylan around. I now totally understand why parents put their kids in leashes. Sign me up.
Thank goodness we had the genius forethought to plan hotdogs for dinner, because Dylan ate like a champ and I kid you not – halfway through the meal, his cranky whines stopped and he looked up at me and said, very calmly, Hi. In response, I said, “Welcome back!” And he was back, just like that. My sweet, lovable, obedient little boy. We went for a walk around the campground and he had his first s’more (loooved it) and we put him to bed and everything was glorious. That night I slept, he slept, we all SLEPT. And Dylan woke at his normal time, smiling and giggling like the horror that was yesterday never happened.
We had oatmeal and packed up and saw a cool fort and drove home and it was a very lovely day. No one tried to run out into the road!
So. Overall, it was a success. A hard-fought success.
A few pointers for those still brave enough to attempt:
I’m very glad we went. I’m glad we didn’t come home early.
And I don’t plan to do this again any time soon.
I often find myself wishing that a zombie apocalypse will happen for reals…kinda.
I am really drawn to disaster/apocalyptic/survival stories. I like to guess what I would do in each situation, how I might act, how I might feel.
As I try to unpack what my fascination is about, I think I am intensely curious about how going through a crisis affects people (me), and how people (me) tend to fight, flight, or freeze, and how people (me) either grow or are torn apart or something in between.
A catastrophic disaster would strip away all the complexities of the modern world. We wouldn’t have to deal with interest rates or insurance or deadlines or waiting in line or midterms or the Kardashians. It would simplify life down to the bottom of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs: food, shelter, clothing, safety.
In a way, wouldn’t it be nice if all you had to worry about today was getting enough food in your belly and making sure you weren’t bitten by a zombie? It would be stressful, yes, but a different kind of stress. It would be stress centered around what is really important, like being with the people you truly love (because who would want to waste precious post-apocalyptic time with someone who makes you want to eat your own face off?) and surviving together (like, really surviving).
Original source – moviepilot.com
I fantasize about how a scenario like that would make my current relationships that much closer. It would just be me, Brian, and Dylan. And maybe the cat, if she’s fast enough and less whiny. B and I would be together, working intensely to protect our son, and that’s all that would matter. We wouldn’t be separated by full time jobs without paid family leave. We wouldn’t have to worry about saving for Dylan’s college education. We wouldn’t spend a Saturday arguing over how to furnish the house. It would just be us in the present moment fighting to stay alive for each other.
That’s the other thing – the present moment. There wouldn’t be smart phones and Facebook and millions of TV channels to distract us from what is really important. We wouldn’t be able to communicate with anyone who isn’t directly in front of us. (Of course, modern conveniences are wonderful and I like them as much as the next person, but for right now I’m focused on the upsides of not having them around.) This would further intensify and hopefully deepen my relationships with those around me.
Having to rely on my partner and anyone lucky enough to find themselves in our zombie-killing troop would build trust – the kind that is fierce and all-encompassing where you know that person would lay down his life for you. Having that kind of security feels so…comforting. So safe and warm and gooey. Plus, surviving day-to-day like that would quickly root out people you can’t trust or don’t like, and therefore shouldn’t be around (characters in The Walking Dead – take notice!!). Plain and simple.
Would there be things that just plain suck about this scenario? Of course. I’d miss sunscreen and chapstick and modern medicine and higher education and hot showers and I’m sure the rampant shambling zoms would piss me off right quick. But that’s beside my point for right now.
What I am realizing, as I fear I have already begun to ramble, is that I crave closeness in human relationships, and besides needing the basics, an apocalypse would wipe out everything else and bring those relationships front and center.
When I put it that way, doesn’t it sound nice?
…maybe just a little bit?
Robin Williams died on my son’s due date.
I loved this guy. I loved his work. I went through the stages of grief when I found out – starting with disbelief, of course. I was (and still am) so sad that depression took this very talented human being from us.
After Robin’s death, in watching all the memorials on the news and daytime TV, and in seeing all the clips strung together on Facebook, I started counting all of his movies that touched me, that I grew up with. It’s a lot. His movies were so emotional; I’ve long known that his were the ones I went to when I needed to tweak my mood – which usually meant inducing tears and reconfirming my faith in the human spirit.
In going through my movie collection, I realized I didn’t own one of my absolute favorite Robin Williams movies – Hook – so I bought it and ended up watching it soon after my son was born.
I absolutely adore the story of Peter Pan. There isn’t a more fabulous story that captures the sheer joy and adventure it is to be young and to remind us that we can always go back to Neverland in our hearts (second star to the right and straight on til morning) whenever we want.
In re-watching Hook, I was prepared to feel that joy and excitement that comes with the story, and I was also prepared to feel sad that the person I was watching who was once so full of life and youthful glee was now gone.
What I wasn’t prepared for was my new reaction to the story now that I am a parent.
Remember the scene where Captain Hook starts teaching Pan’s kids about how parents hate their children? He very eloquently describes how kids’ whining and demands (“He took my toy! She hit my bear! I want a potty! I want a cookie! I want to stay up! I want, I want, I want, me, me, me, me, mine, mine, mine, mine, now, now, now, now…”) drive their parents crazy. Maggie (fun fact – it was her character I played on the playground with my friends when this movie first came out) points out that her parents read to her, “because they love me very much!” And Hook retorts back that parents read to their children to shut them up.
In to end the lesson, Hook gave Maggie an F (to which she freaks out…probably why I was suited to play her character) and then declared that her parents were happier before she was born.
This scene struck a new chord, one that hadn’t been struck before.
Holy shit – Captain Hook was right.
There I was, hopelessly sleep deprived with a wee infant attached to my boob and tears running down my face because I got it – but not the it I was expecting to get. This movie was supposed to remind me how joyful life was! Instinctively I knew I wasn’t supposed to be listening to the words of this dark and sinister man, but for the first time in watching this film, my eyes were opened. The guy had a point. In my very short career as the parent of a newborn, I already knew I’d do things I previously said I’d never do if it meant my kid would sleep. I wished for my old life back on a daily basis. I fought with my husband about nothing and everything. Some days, I was kind of miserable.
I considered growing a beard and joining the crew of the Jolly Roger.
Thankfully, the movie continued and we came to the scene in the Lost Boys’ tree house where Peter was desperately trying to find his happy thought. He picked up his old teddy bear and had a flashback to a hospital room where his wife was handing him his brand new baby son, saying, “Peter, you’re a daddy!”
That was it. This is why I wanted to watch the movie in the first place. He was flying again, and so was I.
I was bedridden for the first 12 hours of Dylan’s life due to some minor complications, so when we were in the recovery room at the hospital, Brian started changing his first diapers and rocking and soothing and being a daddy. It was amazing for me to watch, and it had reminded me of that same hospital scene in Hook. Through tears in my eyes, I shared my thoughts with Brian and my heart was bursting.
Hook really got it right in more ways than I first realized. It fascinates me how quickly and profoundly popping a baby out of me has changed my perspective on the whole world, let alone this movie. Before, I had thought that the story was more about “always being a little boy and having fun,” and now I see this whole new layer about the love (“It’s the L-word, Captain!”) and struggle between parents and their children. Yes, it’s about learning how to stay young, but it’s also about learning how to grow up. And most importantly, it’s about finding (and keeping) that happy thought that keeps us all going.
Well, Dylan is our happy thought. Our poopy, screamy, cuddly little happy thought.
There are so many great lines to quote and parallels to make about this movie and life in general, but the best is at the very end, where I don’t feel like Robin Williams was really having to act much at all.
He said, “To live would be an awfully big adventure.”
Thanks for sharing your talent with all of us, Robin. I am so very glad that you’re not in pain anymore.
I’m due today.
Holy crap
Well, actually, you’re due.
To come out.
Little Duck
We really can’t wait to meet you
Even though I feel like I know you already
You dance and hiccup and kick
And squirm your way up under my ribcage on the right side
Ouch.
You test the boundaries of your squishy little world
I can’t wait to show you my world
Little Duck
We’ve had our bags packed for weeks
We pretend to be ready, but we’re really not
Don’t worry, though, cuz we can’t wait to love you
and squish you
and pinch your little fat rolls
and sing you to sleep.
I don’t know what’s going to happen
And that’s pretty scary for me
So if you know, please tell me
Otherwise, we’ll just figure things out
together
as we go.
So get here soon
If you only knew the joy that is waiting for you
But then again, maybe you do
because how could you not?
So what are you waiting for
Little Duck
Come on out
So I can love you more
Holy crap, holy crap, holy crap
On Tuesday, we got to see our little fetus again! I had been looking forward to this visit for several weeks, which is awesome and crazy because it’s only the second time I’ve ever actually looked forward to having an ultrasound.
B and I got to the doctor’s office right on time, and I was gulping water in the car on the way. I’ve been able to perfect the art of making sure my bladder is juuust full enough by the time I’m called in for the procedure. If I’m too full too early, then I have to pee or risk soaking my socks. If I’m not full enough (not usually my problem) then they yell at me and make me wait. And I don’t like to be yelled at.
We sat down in the waiting room and one of my first thoughts was: Yessss! No blood draws today!
Which was quickly followed by: Frick! No blood draws means no snacks!
I turned to Brian. “Do you think they’ll give us snacks if we ask?”
“Somehow I doubt it.”
“Well, they really should provide snacks. Maybe I’ll write it on a comment card.”
“You do that.”
The ultrasound tech came out to get us and brought us into the exam room.
“Hi, my name is Li-”
“WE DON’T WANT TO KNOW THE SEX!” I blurted out. I was terrified that the surprise would be spoiled for us.
She laughed. “Well ok then, I’ll tell you when to close your eyes. You sure you don’t want it in an envelope for one of those gender reveal parties?”
“NO! NO SEX!” …and it’s impossible for our baby to have a gender identity at this point in development. Yarg. I cringe when I hear people use the term gender when they really mean sex, especially when it’s a medical professional. I bit my tongue.
The experience of this ultrasound was pretty awe-inspiring. I especially loved getting to see the interaction between me and the baby – when the baby pushed on my bladder, I could both feel it (very much so) and see the corresponding movement on the screen. And when the tech pushed on my tummy and we saw my baby get jostled around and get all annoyed – precious. This isn’t the first time you’re going to get annoyed by me, Little Duck. I’m still trying to wrap my brain and emotions around the concept (that I understand intellectually just fine) that I am growing an independent being – something that moves of free will and can affect me, and me fe. Blows my mindgrapes.
I was also fascinated by the physical development of my little duck. We got to see all four chambers of the heart in motion, and when the tech zoomed in and slowed the picture, we could see the freaking valves! I never knew heart valves could be so freaking cute!! We saw the aorta, the stomach filled with fluid, all the little toe bones, and individual structures in the brain. All this made me want to go and take an anatomy class, or at the very least, to look up brain development in my old psych books, which was the part I struggled through in my undergraduate career.
Overall, the human body amazes me.
Everything looked normal (and cute). The only thing of note is that my placenta seems to be attached very close to my birth canal – to the tune of within 1cm. I’m told that, as my uterus grows, that the placenta will creep farther away from the birth canal, hopefully enough so that I can plan on a vaginal birth. Looks like I’ll have to have another ultrasound later on to check on the status of this situation.
After the ultrasound adventure, I wiped off all the goo as best I could (it never all really comes off entirely), and we went to see our midwife.
Where are all the snacks?!
She ignored my unvoiced thoughts and confirmed that everything looks normal and we got to hear the lovely whoosh, whoosh of my baby’s four chamber heart, complete with valves. I expressed random concerns, mostly about being uncomfortable because I’m pregnant. As before, her responses were varied versions of take Tylenol, power through it, nothing we can do.
Again – awesome.
“So, did you find out what you’re having?!” My midwife asked.
Uh…a baby! Is what I wish I had said, because I cringe at that question, as if a penis or a vagina is the single most defining factor of what makes up a human being.
Deep breath. “No, we don’t want to know the sex.”
“Oh, ok! Well I might go and peek at the gender after you leave.”
Cringe. Bite tongue.
The end of the visit was a bit sad – we had to say goodbye to our midwife because our medical insurance is set to change on April 1 (if everything goes well….please, everything go well). At least we knew from the beginning that this would be happening, so we were well prepared for it.
So, I’m glad I got to see you again, Little Duck. Feel free to keep kicking, but please aim clear of my bladder.
Alright, Psychos. It’s about to get a little crazier up in here.
I can barely believe it myself, but…I’m going to be a mother.
Even typing those words and then reading them back to myself was weird. A mom?! ME?!
I am incredibly thankful and blessed and in awe that my body is able to sustain a pregnancy, especially considering my medical history. When we first found out, I wanted to call up my surgeon from 11 years ago to thank him for what an amazing job he did. Not only did he make me healthy again, but he left my bits and pieces intact and working! The Little Ovary That Could. It’s because of my cancer history that I am especially not taking this for granted…except for the fact that this is all still very hard to believe for me.
I’ve pretty much always known I’ve wanted to be a mom. I kind of grew up knowing it without really realizing it, and it wasn’t until that dream was threatened that I realized how desperately I wanted it.
For the past 11 years since my surgery and the prognosis from my doctors being, and I quote, “We can’t promise anything,” I’ve stared longingly at babies in the grocery store, making faces at them as they gaze at me over their parent’s shoulder. I slowed to gawk at maternity store display windows, only to be pulled along past, wondering if I’d ever get to shop there.
We started trying for a baby quite soon after getting married because we knew we wanted to be parents and we anticipated having fertility issues. We wanted to try and not get our hopes up so that we could start fertility treatments as soon as we needed to/could because we’re not getting any younger and I was told to expect to start menopause early and my egg count was cut in half and holy crap was any of this going to work?!
Imagine our surprise and complete shock when three months in, it worked! We couldn’t believe it. I’m actually tearing up just remembering the moment. First there was pure joy (OH MY GOD!!!), then disbelief (oh…my…god…), and then sheer terror (omg…what have we done?!). Brian had just accepted a kickass new job in Oregon, and we had signed a 9 month lease on a tiny apartment, to begin in January. Doing that math means that we might have to squeeze a baby in amongst our boxes of wedding gifts we still haven’t opened. Maybe fe can sleep in the salad bowl, or perhaps the new mixer. Plus, I had just quit my job and didn’t have another lined up, and I’d need to figure out how to get relicensed in Oregon, effectively increasing our expenses while decreasing our income. Our sense of timing is just peachy sometimes. Of course, I know this will all work out in one way or another, it’s just tough standing at the bottom of a mountain and not knowing how the hell you’re going to climb to the top.
Another huge stressor for me/us was getting mysteriously dropped from Brian’s health insurance, having our coverage expire at the end of the year, and then having to scramble to get new coverage since his new job’s coverage won’t kick in until after a 90 day probationary period. Those few weeks were incredibly depressing for me, as I was unable to see a doctor to even confirm the pregnancy, let alone reassure me that everything was going well. Pair this with my relatively mild first trimester symptoms (meaning that I could hardly believe that I was actually, indeed pregnant), and I just felt like a tired, depressed wreck who cried on the phone to health insurance companies after being put on hold for 45 minutes or more.
I am happy to report that we slogged through our first month in Oregon fairly well, all considering. We now have health insurance, we had our first ultrasound, and holy crap there’s a somersaulting little guppy in there! I’m even starting to show a tiny bit, and I’m pretty sure it’s not just gas.
In conclusion, we’re still pretty shell-shocked.
We’re excited and terrified. We’re excified!
…Territed?
All of the above.
So we’ve been here about a week now.
Here means just outside of Portland, Oregon.
It’s been a little rough, as I expected it would be. I also suppose it hasn’t been as bad as my worst fears, so that’s something.
Brian and I both came down with the flu over Christmas (given to us by the movers who packed up our stuff), and that made for a pretty rotten holiday. We made the most of it, but we were not able to do everything we had planned, and we were forced to skip seeing loved ones for fear of getting them sick, which really sucked.
We returned to our mostly bare apartment for one night in sleeping bags so that we could rise early, grab the cat, and make the 10 hour drive to Portland all in one day.
I have a love-hate relationship with this cat, and that morning it was definitely hate. And pity, I suppose. She refused to eat any of the sedative-infused food we offered her. We had given her some a few weeks prior as a trial run, just to make sure she wasn’t allergic and to see how she would do. I can only imagine that she remembered that experience and was like, “No effing way I am doing that again, you guys.” We tried putting it in dry food. We tried hiding it in chicken. And then we tried just forcing it into her mouth and down her throat. To no avail. At this point we were behind schedule, so she got shoved into the cat carrier, hungry and unmedicated, and off we went.
Despite the struggles of the morning, Sadie (the cat) did pretty well. She howled solidly for the first 45 minutes and then would pass out for 20 minutes at a time, only to wake up and howl some more. I had to just emotionally detach myself from her in order to cope. I kept telling her, “I love you, and you are safe,” which I think was more for my benefit than for hers.
The drive up was pretty damn gorgeous, and wonderfully uneventful (the cat howling aside). We passed Shasta and saw a bit of snow in the shade in the mountains. We stopped for lunch in Ashland, which was good to check out again.
We arrived at our new place after dark and I was just exhausted. The cat was freaking out and had no bed to hide under. We unloaded most of our two cars, ordered pizza, and then passed out on an air mattress.
This is the first time I’ve ever moved somewhere and not had something waiting for me on the other side. We moved because my husband found an amazing job, which is awesome, and we are both thankful for that. As for me, I am now left with the daunting task of trying to figure out how to get relicensed in this new state and how to find a job. I know zero clinicians in Oregon, and so I am left to email perfect strangers to answer my questions. We left the warmth and sunshine of California, and I can definitely feel that tugging at my wellbeing. I wonder to myself if Oregon will ever really feel like home.
To sum up, I feel scared and sad, and somewhat stuck. I am fighting it, but the energy only comes in spurts. I am very, very thankful to have one good friend in the area I know from California, and of course my husband is there for me, as I am for him.
I don’t like moving and I don’t like change and I hate the unknown. In my moodier states, I feel like I am on a raft, just drifting aimlessly in an endless foggy sea. That just makes me want to curl up in a ball and wait until the raft bumps into something.
I guess I’d better fashion myself a friggin paddle.
Psychobabble 