It’s Alive!

Alright, Psychos.  It’s about to get a little crazier up in here.

I can barely believe it myself, but…I’m going to be a mother.

Even typing those words and then reading them back to myself was weird.  A mom?!  ME?!

I am incredibly thankful and blessed and in awe that my body is able to sustain a pregnancy, especially considering my medical history.  When we first found out, I wanted to call up my surgeon from 11 years ago to thank him for what an amazing job he did.  Not only did he make me healthy again, but he left my bits and pieces intact and working!  The Little Ovary That Could.  It’s because of my cancer history that I am especially not taking this for granted…except for the fact that this is all still very hard to believe for me.

I’ve pretty much always known I’ve wanted to be a mom.  I kind of grew up knowing it without really realizing it, and it wasn’t until that dream was threatened that I realized how desperately I wanted it.

For the past 11 years since my surgery and the prognosis from my doctors being, and I quote, “We can’t promise anything,” I’ve stared longingly at babies in the grocery store, making faces at them as they gaze at me over their parent’s shoulder.  I slowed to gawk at maternity store display windows, only to be pulled along past, wondering if I’d ever get to shop there.

We started trying for a baby quite soon after getting married because we knew we wanted to be parents and we anticipated having fertility issues.  We wanted to try and not get our hopes up so that we could start fertility treatments as soon as we needed to/could because we’re not getting any younger and I was told to expect to start menopause early and my egg count was cut in half and holy crap was any of this going to work?!

Imagine our surprise and complete shock when three months in, it worked!  We couldn’t believe it.  I’m actually tearing up just remembering the moment.  First there was pure joy (OH MY GOD!!!), then disbelief (oh…my…god…), and then sheer terror (omg…what have we done?!).  Brian had just accepted a kickass new job in Oregon, and we had signed a 9 month lease on a tiny apartment, to begin in January.  Doing that math means that we might have to squeeze a baby in amongst our boxes of wedding gifts we still haven’t opened.  Maybe fe can sleep in the salad bowl, or perhaps the new mixer.  Plus, I had just quit my job and didn’t have another lined up, and I’d need to figure out how to get relicensed in Oregon, effectively increasing our expenses while decreasing our income.  Our sense of timing is just peachy sometimes.  Of course, I know this will all work out in one way or another, it’s just tough standing at the bottom of a mountain and not knowing how the hell you’re going to climb to the top.

Another huge stressor for me/us was getting mysteriously dropped from Brian’s health insurance, having our coverage expire at the end of the year, and then having to scramble to get new coverage since his new job’s coverage won’t kick in until after a 90 day probationary period.  Those few weeks were incredibly depressing for me, as I was unable to see a doctor to even confirm the pregnancy, let alone reassure me that everything was going well.  Pair this with my relatively mild first trimester symptoms (meaning that I could hardly believe that I was actually, indeed pregnant), and I just felt like a tired, depressed wreck who cried on the phone to health insurance companies after being put on hold for 45 minutes or more.

I am happy to report that we slogged through our first month in Oregon fairly well, all considering.  We now have health insurance, we had our first ultrasound, and holy crap there’s a somersaulting little guppy in there!  I’m even starting to show a tiny bit, and I’m pretty sure it’s not just gas.

In conclusion, we’re still pretty shell-shocked.

We’re excited and terrified.  We’re excified!

…Territed?

All of the above.

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48 responses

  1. I’m so thrilled for all three of you! dave and I felt all the mixed emotions you guys did when we found out we were pregnant. We were told to stopy trying about a year before our little miracle happened. We love you! And if you ever need to talk about the scary parts, I’m here to listen. I’ve been there.

  2. Lyssa, I almost wrote you privately a month back, to ask if you were expecting. Just had a feeling! So now, I will need to speed up that visit, or get you up here… depending on which you prefer. I love Portland, so a trip south is fine. But if you and your baby daddy would like to check out this gorgeous place I live, north of Seattle and south of Vancouver, let me know… before you pop! ;-) I have 2 of you to visit in Portland, and then we can all dish about it here and I can post picture of you pregnant!! Mazel, mazel, mazel! I could not be happier for the two of you. :-D

    • ….how did you know?! Seriously, even my flesh and blood mom was shocked. You know, when I posted the news, I already heard you saying “Mazel!” to me in my head, and it’s even sweeter now than I imagined.

      There’s not much pregnantness to see quite yet, so you may want to wait a little bit if you’d like a good show.

      • I just *know* things. I was going to ask you, when you were packing up the car and driving north. But then, I knew that this was a scary thing (hoping for it, and not sure how it would go) and I didn’t want to ask, and then have you tell me no. I didn’t want to disappoint you that way. So no, I’m not shocked AT ALL, but I am over the moon happy for you!!

        I may give it until March-April… May’ish, so there’s no risk of bad roads/ winter weather… though we don’t seem to have that this year. But come I will.

        Mazel Lyssa! Big, fat, hug-filled, love-filled MAZEL!!

  3. OH. MY. GOD! I am so (x infinity) happy for you. You guys really do like to make a whole bunch of changes at once, don’t you? Marriage, new jobs, moving, and now a baby! It sounds like everything is coming together perfectly.

  4. Congratulations! I am very glad your ovary-achiever did it’s job. Every time I was overwhelmed with pregnancy I would just look around me and think “all of these people are here, and came from all kinds of circumstances.” You totally got this!

  5. Congratulations! How exciting it must be with such a history. I recently found out I’m going to be a mom soon too (we call ours a bit of a whoopsie though) and the same archive of emotions are flooding over me. So. many. emotions… So, seeing this post made me all excited to see someone else’s journey unfold.

  6. OMG OMG OMG! So exciting!!!!! *Starts planning blogging baby shower……*

    When we conceived C, my husband had JUST started a new job too and we had the same probationary period insurance troubles. I don’t think we went to the doctor to get everything confirmed until I was like nine weeks, and yeah, that whole period was insanely stressful. Also, random: I really wish I had known there was a gender-nonspecific pronoun when I was blogging about my pregnancy; fe looks a lot better than s/he. Anyhoo, I am so thrilled for you both. You’re going to be a phenomenal mama :D

    • Thank you so much!
      That’s really validating to hear you had some of the same struggles I did. Lately, I’ve been stalking your blog and I’ve been slowly reading it from the beginning.

      The English language is really lacking in the area of expressing gender neutrality, so I appreciate that some people have taken it upon themselves to just make up pronouns to fill that need. I like it a lot better than calling my baby an “it.”

  7. I’m thrilled for you both and your wee baby.

    I also love that “running from zombies” is listed as a related post. Different kinds of scary, I suppose.

  8. Congratulations! I think your OMG! Moment is shared by all new parents to be. Hang in there, and hang on tight! It’s likely gonna be a bumpy ride. They all are in this park!

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