It’s a great way to stay in shape

I’m not a gym person.

But I just joined a gym for the first time in my life. I was offered a free year pass by a friend, and I figured I’d check it out.

See, I have this thing where I don’t like exercise. Especially exercising in front of other people. Basically, if I’m not doing yoga then I’m one clumsy lady, aaaaaand I’d rather not have an audience if I’m going to fall off the treadmill or drop a weight on my big toe.

I’m also cheap, and I don’t feel like I should have to pay to exercise. Hello, come on in to my bodily torture chamber and pay this cover charge so you can publicly injure yourself and then either shower in a foreign stall with wonky water pressure, or walk out all sweaty and gross and hurting. Bring your friends!

To make matters funny, this particular gym has a Cross Fit focus, and so it seems to be extra Gym-y. Like, the young ripped bros at the front desk are way too enthusiastic and speak like John Paul Jones from the Bachelor franchise, brah. One of them in particular seems to enjoy getting a rise out of me, and so the most recent time I was there, he felt the need to come up to me while I was on the elliptical to give me a high-five. My eye-roll was so exaggerated that my Apple watch also counted it as part of my workout.

**Ping!* It looks like you’re doing an eye-roll workout. Let’s close those rings!

The gym is a foreign environment with an entirely new language and I’m just a fish out of water. Observe the day I came in for my complementary session with a trainer:

Bro: Hey! So, uh, what’re your fitness goals?

Me: Ummm…I’d just like to feel human again.

Broseph: Alright, alright, alright! Sounds tubular! What’s your current fitness regimen like right now?

Me: Well, I do yoga once a week and I attempt to run from zombies. But running is a loose term.

Brodan: Zombies, ha! Right on, right on. So you dig the cardio, yeah? You ever tried weights?

Me: Not unless you count my kids. And dig is a strong term.

Broweena: Hahaaha, that’s hella lit, or whatever the kids are saying these days. Let’s get some goals down and we’ll get started! Exclamation point!

At some point he noticed my Shamrock Run shirt from last year.

Brodude: Whoa, you did The Sham?!

Me: (I look down at my front). Uh…yeah. Just the 5k.

Bronathan: It’s not just the 5k! That’s a real accomplishment! Right on!

Me: Thanks. I mean, we stopped for beer and donuts in the middle…

Brotina, not hearing me: Is there any way you’d want to form a team with us? We’re always looking for cool stuff for motivation!

Me: Well, I actually sign up with my MOMS Club…

Brodrew: Whoa, right on! You should bring your mom friends here!

At this point it’s the end of the session and I’m ready to leave. I mean, I was ready to leave a long time ago, but now it’s the end of the session.

Me: Yeah, no, thanks. Look, I’ve gotta go. Thank you…

Broana: Right, right, no prob. Hey, look, you’re doing awesome! Have an awesome day!

You too, man. You have the awesomest of days.

You too.



It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad…Lib

Play along! I command you!

1. Go through the below list and come up with hilarious words of your choosing that fit the prescribed category

2. Apply your list of words to the Mad Lib story I have created for your enjoyment!

3. Pee yourself laughing as you read the story to friends, family, and strangers on the street

4. Clean up the pee and go change your pants, for goodness sake.  Don’t forget to disinfect.  You know, for the children.

5. Post the list of words you used in a comment so others may enjoy your version of the pee-inducing story


Word List

1. adjective

2.  a number

3.  verb

4.  plural noun

5.  verb

6.  adjective

7.  verb ending in “ing” and starting with “F”

8.  part of the body

9.  really gross food item

10.  noun

11. word that rhymes with “dash”

12.  adjective

13. plural noun

14.  noun

15.  adjective

16.  the name of your favorite character from The Addams Family

17.  your favorite mind-numbing drug

18.  adjective

19. adjective

20.  verb

21.  another gross food item

22.  part of the body

23.  kitchen appliance

24.  exclamation

25.  noun


And now: The Story


Reality TV May Cause Nosebleeds and Cancer: A Cautionary Tale

As you know from my (1.)______ About Me page, I watch roughly (2.)______ hours of reality TV a week.  My favorite shows to (3.)_____ include Keeping Up With the Kardashians, The Bachelor/ette, Dancing With The (4.)_____, American Idol, and Man v. Wild, among others.  Mostly, I (5.)_____ these (6.)_____ shows because I work hard during the day and I deserve a (7.)_____ break.   And by “break” I mean sitting on my (8.)_____ and eating copious amounts of (9.)_____.  Just so we’re straight.

The easiest (10.)_____ to make fun of is The Kar-(11.)_____ -ians, by far.  Can they hear themselves talk?  The females sound like (12.)_____ (13.)_____, and the males sound like baboons being artificially inseminated.  The two who entertain me the most are Khloe and Scott, because at least they  have a sense of (14.)_____ about life and the show.  And Kris (the (15.)_____ one who looks like (16.)_____, not the speed-fueled helicopter mom one) – he had no freaking clue what crazy-ass shitstorm he walked into.  Was he even awake during filming, or was he on (17.)_____ the whole time?  He was no fun to watch.  Good thing they wrote him off the show.  Honestly, the best episodes to watch are when (18.)_____ fights go down.  You know, the times when Kim gets all pissy and (19.)_____ and so she (20.)_____ (21.)_____ at the oldest one and gets it all over her hair and (22.)_____.  So then oldest-one-with-a-K-name has to retaliate by jamming Kim’s head into a (23.)_____.  (24.)_____!  I seem to have drifted into wishful thinking.  I suppose a (25.)_____ can hope, right?