I’m not a gym person.
But I just joined a gym for the first time in my life. I was offered a free year pass by a friend, and I figured I’d check it out.
See, I have this thing where I don’t like exercise. Especially exercising in front of other people. Basically, if I’m not doing yoga then I’m one clumsy lady, aaaaaand I’d rather not have an audience if I’m going to fall off the treadmill or drop a weight on my big toe.
I’m also cheap, and I don’t feel like I should have to pay to exercise. Hello, come on in to my bodily torture chamber and pay this cover charge so you can publicly injure yourself and then either shower in a foreign stall with wonky water pressure, or walk out all sweaty and gross and hurting. Bring your friends!
To make matters funny, this particular gym has a Cross Fit focus, and so it seems to be extra Gym-y. Like, the young ripped bros at the front desk are way too enthusiastic and speak like John Paul Jones from the Bachelor franchise, brah. One of them in particular seems to enjoy getting a rise out of me, and so the most recent time I was there, he felt the need to come up to me while I was on the elliptical to give me a high-five. My eye-roll was so exaggerated that my Apple watch also counted it as part of my workout.
**Ping!* It looks like you’re doing an eye-roll workout. Let’s close those rings!
The gym is a foreign environment with an entirely new language and I’m just a fish out of water. Observe the day I came in for my complementary session with a trainer:
Bro: Hey! So, uh, what’re your fitness goals?
Me: Ummm…I’d just like to feel human again.
Broseph: Alright, alright, alright! Sounds tubular! What’s your current fitness regimen like right now?
Me: Well, I do yoga once a week and I attempt to run from zombies. But running is a loose term.
Brodan: Zombies, ha! Right on, right on. So you dig the cardio, yeah? You ever tried weights?
Me: Not unless you count my kids. And dig is a strong term.
Broweena: Hahaaha, that’s hella lit, or whatever the kids are saying these days. Let’s get some goals down and we’ll get started! Exclamation point!
At some point he noticed my Shamrock Run shirt from last year.
Brodude: Whoa, you did The Sham?!
Me: (I look down at my front). Uh…yeah. Just the 5k.
Bronathan: It’s not just the 5k! That’s a real accomplishment! Right on!
Me: Thanks. I mean, we stopped for beer and donuts in the middle…
Brotina, not hearing me: Is there any way you’d want to form a team with us? We’re always looking for cool stuff for motivation!
Me: Well, I actually sign up with my MOMS Club…
Brodrew: Whoa, right on! You should bring your mom friends here!
At this point it’s the end of the session and I’m ready to leave. I mean, I was ready to leave a long time ago, but now it’s the end of the session.
Me: Yeah, no, thanks. Look, I’ve gotta go. Thank you…
Broana: Right, right, no prob. Hey, look, you’re doing awesome! Have an awesome day!
You too, man. You have the awesomest of days.
You too.
Psychobabble 