Welcome to November

Ok, you guys, get ready.

I’m doing that November Bloggy thing again. That thing whose name I can never remember. It’s the bloggy version of write-a-novel-during-the-month-of-november thingy. Only I’m not writing a novel. I’m more of a non-fiction girl, myself. Unless it’s something really super compelling, like The Hunger Games or Harry Potter.

And another thing. Why does this shindig have to happen during November? Like, almost any other month would be better. I’m usually way too busy trying to get ready for the holidays, buying shit that makes me poor and eating crap that blocks me up.

What about January? Now that would be nice. The holidays are over, it’s the dead of winter. Nothing happens. It’s a new beginning. Etc! Maybe I’ll start the movement.

As for now, I’m still a sucker who is bent to the will of peer pressure, for better or worse.

I’ll be trying to blog everyday for this month, but that doesn’t mean that every (or any) post will be brilliant or polished. I’m sure some days will just be stream-of-consciousness-what-day-is-it delightfulness.

So, I hope you’re on board to read what I have to say. And comment. Could you comment please? It makes the whole blogging experience so much more fun, to start a conversation.

For right now, I’m just going to set some goals for this month. I’m going to try my hardest to be more present this month, and to actually enjoy the holidays and not get caught up in the stress and worry that (for me) comes with trying to research and buy and wrap and ship gifts for Christmas. I’m going to let myself off the hook and remind myself that not everything has to look perfect or feel magical and we don’t have to go to every. friggin. caroling/lights/card making/sugar chugging little activity. Sometimes the best things are staying home, drinking hot chocolate and watching movies.

I already feel like I’m rambling, so this month is off to a GREAT START, good god.

Hold on tight, dear readers. Welcome to November.

nanopoblano2019

Someone please fix it

super bummed.

i really wanted to be able to go.  i need this.  someone make it so.  someone FIX IT.

too often, i hang my happiness, or potential happiness, up onto this Thing, and if the Thing doesn’t happen, or doesn’t happen the way I want it to, somehow the potential for happiness is gone.

that sounds so stupid, doesn’t it?

because the Things are so small, yet I give them so much weight.  capital Ts and all.

Life isn’t perfect.

Life is messy.

It’s okay that I am not perfect.

Perfection is boring.

Perfection doesn’t exist.

I’m going to be fine.

I am fine.

I am enough.

I have everything I need.

i have all these great mantras and i can go through them until i’m blue in the face, but they still don’t take away the….the what?  disappointment?  anger?  hurt?  shame?

all of the above?

this makes me feel like i am five years old, unable to tolerate such feelings so that they come pouring out of me as behaviors – physical manifestations of my nebulous emotions.

in other words – they become real.

letting go is super hard.  processing this is hard.

someone teach me how.

someone please FIX IT.

A Look Inside My Pregnant Head – A stream of consciousness

Hey everyone amazing news we actually closed on a house last week can you believe it we’re HOMEOWNERS

and not a moment too soon.

cuz immediately following getting our keys we went to the Oregon coast for the weekend to celebrate our first wedding anniversary and I can’t believe this year has gone by so freaking fast omg but the decision to go to the beach/coast was an amazing one because I am DYING IN THIS HEAT and we have to wait before we can get help to move into the new AIR CONDITIONED house which means this baby had better STAY PUT so I can labor in the house not only does it have AC, but it also has a soaking tub and a shower WITH SEATS it’s like it was made for pregnant ladies

fast forward to now where we’re moving small things everyday and waiting for the big move on Saturday and omg it’s HOT and I feel crappy that I can’t physically help pack and I have zero energy and maybe I’ll just put a few books in this box but oh I can’t do too much because what if I trigger the labor to start NOT BEFORE SATURDAY

maybe I should sit down I AM NOT MOODY SHUT THE FUCK UP

my hips hurt and I am hungry again

I am so BLESSED and I can’t believe everything is falling into place right in the nick of time and I am SO EXCITED and I still can’t believe that I am going to have a little human soon and a house this kinda makes me a real grown up now and oh crap now I’m crying

again.

that seems to happen more often these days

my feet are swelling up again maybe I should sit down and eat something WHERE IS MY FAVORITE MUG is it packed already WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO MY LIFE

no labor til after Saturday Little Duck you stay in there til after Saturday

time for a nap.