social norms | Psychobabble

Ok guys.

A lot has happened since I last posted, mainly that the world is going to shit. Schools are closed, people are working from home, and everyone is watching Frozen 2 on loop. We’re definitely headed into the unknown…amirite?!

And now, today’s the last day, you guys!!! It’s Day 30 of the Whole-fuckin-30. I definitely hit a groove somewhere in there and started to eat and make my food choices without much thought. Now, I get up in the morning and make my eggs like I’ve been doing it always.

But here’s the thing. It’s not really over, because now I have to reintroduce all them non-whole30 foods the proper way because I want to see what makes my body angry or this was all for nothing. Tomorrow, I get legumes. I plan to smother my face in peanut butter as soon as I’m conscious. Then it’s non-gluten grains, followed by my personal fave, DAIRY, and lastly, gluten. We’ll see how the next 10 days plays out.

Top two things I definitely missed: ice cream and crunchy things to add texture to meals, like chips and crackers.

Surprising things: I didn’t get sick of eggs! I still really like them. Also, I think I actually prefer almond butter to peanut. I guess I’ll know for sure tomorrow.

The hardest part: Not partaking in alcohol and sweets in social settings. Emphasis on social. I have willpower for days, and the principle of out of sight, out of mind totally applies to me regarding food, but when I’m around all these other people who are having yummy sangria and frickin gooey rice crispy treats, I tends to get a little more than a little grumpy.

Another thing that made this hard is that I came down with a nasty sinus infection last week (which I’m still fighting, grumble), and being sick makes everything harder. It makes you tired, it makes you grumpy, and it makes you reach for the comfort food. Forever the stubborn rule follower, I stuck to my guns because I wanted to say I did this the right way.

HOWEVER.

I did not deny myself some sweet, sweet NyQuil that is actually 10% alcohol, which I confirmed after ingestion. Having a shot before bed after being sober for 25 days was like my own personal party! #noregrets

So. Congrats to me in about…5 hours when I go to bed…for successfully completing Whole30!

But honestly, the real celebration will be a week from now when I finally get to have my ice cold, sweet, fatty, smooth deliciousness. Hopefully, it’ll actually be there in grocery stores when it’s time for me to have it. Fingers crossed.

You know what gets my panties all in a bunch?

Of course you wouldn’t know, because it’s none of your friggin business, but I’ll tell you anyway. It’s when people who are not my most closest friends and family (read: everyone in the world minus about 7) ask me questions that are so incredibly, mind-numbingly personal and private like they are asking me what my favorite Justin Beiber song is, or which Kardashian is my favorite. (Answer: all of them.)

So, if you enjoy pissing people off and haven’t had the opportunity to piss off yours truly yet, read on, cuz this is your Christmas morning come early:

1. Ask me when, not if, I am getting married, even if you don’t know me very well, or just met me a few nanoseconds ago. This question should just fly out of your mouth once you see that I am an amazingly attractive late 20-something female with a glaringly bare left ring finger. Remember, making assumptions is crucial; you’re the one who has all the answers and also the right to tell people what to do.

2. When I hesitate to answer, please assume this means that I never want to get married, that I hate the institution of marriage, and that I will end up dying alone covered in cats. Quick, someone please get me some more cats. Then stare at me weirdly and stammer something about leaving the stove on. Next, run away.

3. If those don’t work, please, please judge me based on how long I have been with my partner because that timeline is somehow too long to be with someone without being married yet. (First, you’ll have to run back in my general direction, since I told you to run away in step 2. I know, I didn’t think this through. I hope you’re physically fit.) ‘Too long according to who?’ I say. ‘Too long according to, well, me,’ You say. Oh, I’ve somehow violated your expectations of how I should behave and live my life? Wow. Hang on, I’ll apologize to you as soon as I am finished setting my bra on fire.

4. Now, go on to make the assumption that I plan to have kids (because if I wasn’t planning on having kids, it’d be pretty obvious, since my uterus would promptly shrivel up and eat a hole through my body so that it may crawl out and find a proper place to die in peace, leaving a gaping hole in my abdomen…ruining swimsuit season for me forever. oh, and I’d probably grow horns, too). Then ask how many and when each of them will be done baking. Again, please ask as soon as possible. Just met me? Not soon enough. Why haven’t you asked me already?

5. Lastly, make sure that when you bring up the above casual conversation starters that we are in an extremely public place. Crowded movie theater? Not crowded enough. Immediately after saying grace at the Thanksgiving dinner table the year we invite neighbors, in-laws, and the local grocery store employees? That sounds about right. And make sure you speak up when you ask. Not only do I need to hear you, but so does everyone around me within a 500 foot radius. Hell, ask perfect strangers to weigh in with their opinions, too. You know. For good measure.