Whole30: I miss cookies

Here’s how conversations go now that I’m doing Whole30 (inner monologue is in brackets, because I’m normal and have a constant inner monologue like every human rightfully should. Also, like Joe from You because he’s witty and not at all creepy):

Mom acquaintance at school pickup: Hey, how’s it going?

[I’m on Whole30. It’s day 5. I miss cookies.]

Me: Pretty good! How are you? [I’m normal! Act normal.]

Mom: Doing good, feeling tired. What’s new with you?

Me: Oh, nothing. I’m doing Whole30. [smile!]

Mom: Oh, cool! How’s it going?

[Help me. Do you have any chocolate? I won’t tell.]

Me: Surprisingly well, actually. I feel good, just starting to get cravings at night after the kids go to bed. [It’s like a sugar booty call and I can’t get to the phone.]

Mom: Ah. Well, good luck with everything!

[I’m gonna need more than luck, but ok.]

Me: Thanks! [run away.]

Source: https://pics.me.me/oh-youre-doing-the-whole30-tell-me-moreabout-zoodles-and-54099881.png

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Also, it’s interesting how food and diets and programs like this shine a light on one’s personality. What I mean is that I’ve always been a rule follower. I like rules; they make me feel safe and alive. I tend to follow them to the letter. And well, I’ve found out that my Whole30 food guru leader, M, is a little more lax than I thought. Observe our text conversations that may or may not have been embellished for my pleasure.

Me: Soooo, you can’t have hummus, right? They’re legumes?

M: Oh. Technically that’s right, but they’re my cheat thing.

Me: Oooh, got it.

(later on)

M: Lookit this pic of this super tasty Whole30 meat bowl explosion at Chipotle!

[includes pic of a super tasty-looking bowl of food- but wait!]

Me: Looks yummy! But uhh…is that corn? Corn isn’t compliant.

M: Corn is a vegetable!

Me, unable to tell if she’s joking: Corn is a grain. It’s against the rules.

M: It’s ok. Everything is ok. Breathe.

Me: But, but…how many cheat things do you have? You’re supposed to guide me on this journey. This is such a violation of my expectations! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?!

M: Eat what you want, lady. Your goals on this are different than mine. Breathe.

Me: [hyperventilating]

 

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Meet my new friend Lieb

Holy crabcakes and skittles!

It’s happened again.

And no, I am not talking about the creepy ghost boy next door, although I do hope he makes another appearance because I enjoy blogging about him.  I shall name him Seamus.

What’s happened is that Quirky Chrissy at blogofsamename nominated me for the Liebster blogging award!  And then, a few days later, another awesome blogger, Katie at Words for Worms nominated me part deux.   I am doubly honored.

First of all, what’s a Liebster?  Is that a cool nickname for the kid down the street named Lieb?  Cuz it sounds like that kid could use all the cool he can get.

Hey, give it to Lieb, he’ll like it!  Atta boy, Liebster!

I digress.

Without further ado, the rules:

1. Each person must post 11 things about themselves.
2. Answer the 11 questions the person giving the award has set for you.
3. Create 11 questions for the people you will be giving the award to.
4. Choose 11 people to award and send them a link to your post.  Go to their page and tell them.
5. No tag backs.

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Eleven Things (imagine I just whispered those two words not unlike how the little girl in The Ring says Seven Days)

1. I watched The Ring once and then tried to sleep with the lights on.  Never again, my friends.  Never again.

2. I have recently gotten hooked on Game of Thrones even worse than that one time I got hooked on meth.  Let me tell you, no one is going to keep me from watching this show to avoid work and hard things.  You’ll have to scrape the images of this show from my corneas after having the executioner chop off my head in front of my children.  And also after I turn into a headless, undead white walker and try to eat your intestines.

3.  I have ingrown toenails, regrettably.

4.  This one time, while I was in high school, I sang so loud in the shower that my parents told me after I got out that they thought I was screaming for help.  Two things: first of all, thanks for the compliment on my singing.  Really, a great self-esteem boost.  Second, thanks for coming to check on me since I was apparently screaming bloody murder.  Appreciate it.

5.  This one time, during the first week of college, some kid said I looked like the chick who played the band camp girl in the American Pie movies.  I dressed up as her for the following Halloween.  That’s kinda two things for the price of one.  Consider yourself lucky.

6.  Speaking of Halloween, that’s my favorite holiday ever.  I usually try to dress up as some awesome character from pop culture from the past year (stay tuned for my Halloween post coming soon to a computer near you).  If planning this wedding wasn’t sucking the life out of me, I would totally be Effie Trinket for Halloween this year.  Sad face.

7.  If you don’t know who Effie Trinket is, you are dead to me.

8.  I am a better driver than Amanda Bynes.

9.  I totally queefed in yoga yesterday and it was really embarrassing.  That’s what I get for doing an awesome shoulder stand.

10.  When I was little, the shape of my head earned me the nickname of Peanut Head.  Good thing my hair grew in.

11.  I was the kid in Kindergarten who ate the paste.  It was sweet, you guys.  And grainy.  Kinda like a sticky pear.

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Answer 11 Things

I am picking the questions I like the best from the lists made by Quirky Chrissy and Words for Worms.

1. What is your favorite Dr. Seuss story?  Cat in the Hat
2. If your life were a movie what genre would it be?  A zomcom.  You know, a zombie comedy
3. If you could sum yourself up in song lyrics, what song would it be?  Hand in My Pocket by Alanis Morisette
4. What is the best Halloween costume you’ve ever had?  Daria.  My best friend was Jane.
5. If you could have a super power, what would it be?  Katie’s answer is my answer.  Apparate, a la Harry Potter.  Hands down.
6. What’s your favorite genre of book?  Hrm, I gravitate towards feminist nonfiction and young adult fantasy/distopia.
7. Do you think you would survive a Zombie Apocalypse?  Oh hells yeah!  Already have a game plan.
8. Name one thing you keep in your underwear drawer that isn’t underwear.  My cell phone charger, so my cat won’t chew it to bits.  That, and so I can say that I have electricity in my nethers.
9. If you could meet any celebrity, who would you choose?  Ryan Gosling’s abs.
10. If you could travel through time and space, where and when would you go? Sometime in the American 60s to witness the women’s movement.  And to get high.
11. What is your biggest pet peeve?  People who have no self-awareness.

You know what?  Fuck the rules.  If you’ve read this post, consider yourself nominated.  You get to answer this one key question:

What is the funniest/most moving/most poignant quote or piece of advice you’ve ever read or been told?