Somehow, a little bird heard my prayer and it was answered.
That’s right, folks, the Kardashians went to family therapy, and my hypothalamus lit up like a pinball machine.
Do you all get what this means?!
Whatever the Kardashians do is automatically cool, by default. Especially x-raying your ass. I had mine done twice.
Sooooo, this means that……therapy is cool now, you guys! Booyeah!
Since soon there will be a monsoon of Kardashian followers wanting to seek fulfillment through the art of frontal lobe massage, I had better take advantage by opening my own private practice. I mean, this is too good to pass up! But that’s not even the best part: Another truth about the Kardashians is that they never miss an opportunity to whore themselves out selling various shitsnacks, so I said to myself, I says, Self, them Kardashians need to endorse my private practice. Hell, I’ll even make it worth their while and name it after them. Maybe something katchy like Kardashian Kalm. The commercial would go something like this:
White background. Kim comes sashaying to the foreground wearing a skintight sweaterdress.
Kim: Ohmigod, you guys, I feel so…empty inside.
Enter Khloe from the right
Khloe: Maybe you should, like, eat something.
Kim: No, it’s not that. I had a stick of celery five hours ago.
Enter Kourtney from the left
Kourtney: Maybe it’s a different kind of empty. You know, like, the feeling kind.
Kim: Ooh, yeah…that.
Khloe turns toward the camera
Khloe: I think I read somewhere that talking about feelings makes people feel less crappy.
Kourtney (turning to Khloe): I didn’t know you could read.
Kim: Anyway, we went to therapy as a family, and it was fab.
Khloe: Bible.
Kourtney: Yeah, bible.
Kim: We made each other cry, put it on the teevee, and got paid for it. We think that you should do therapy, too.
Khloe: Except you’ll have to pay for it, and stuff.
Kim: So if you sign up for 15 sessions at Lyssapants’ new private practice, Kardashian Kalm, we’ll throw in this waterproof mascara for free.
Kourtney: Cuz when Lyssa makes you cry, your makeup will still look fab after you’re done.
Kim: Bible.
Khloe: Yeah, bible.
—
This is gonna be awesome, you guys!
Psychobabble 