The Big Reset

I haven’t posted since April, ugh. It’s been the longest break I’ve taken since I started blogging for realz in 2012.

I don’t even know what I want to say now…it’s more that I want to break the silent streak and hopefully gain some momentum from putting fingers to keys and seeing what comes out.

This summer is feeling like a great in-between time. The adults are vaccinated, but our kids are not. For me, getting vaccinated is the benchmark for feeling safe, for getting out and doing stuff.

We’ve been socializing more. It’s been weird. I’ve gone into people’s houses. What?!

Each summer here in the PNW I tend to feel a renewed urge to get out and be active, get fit. In an effort to do that, I fell off my bike and badly sprained my ankle. I think the universe is telling me to slow my roll.

As my depression lifted, and as the world opened up, my anxiety moved back in. Oh hey, look, you have some vacancies to fill. Don’t mind if I do.

I worked hard to find a therapist who 1) had openings – because therapists ARE FULL UP right now, and 2) was willing to see vaccinated folks in person. I knew I’d need the extra support for going back out into the world and processing all the shit we’d just been through. Also, I would like to go back to work at some point aaaaaand I’m gonna need to take care of myself first before I can get back into the therapy office as the shrink.

So far, this has been a summer of patience. Of healing. Of reconnecting. Of deciding on my boundaries moving forward.

This summer is the big reset.

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Winter is Coming, but first- Halloween!

It’s time for my obligatory Halloween post, you guys.

For those of you who breathe air, you probably already know how much I dig Halloween.  If not, please search “Halloween” on my blog and read up about all my old DIY costumes.

This year was special because it was our first All Hallow’s Eve as a family of four!  I was brainstorming Halloween costumes even before I was pregnant, because priorities.

You probably know my rules: the costumes have to be specific (like actual characters from a show and not just ‘a pirate’), they have to be relevant (not outdated. And for the record, Star Wars is NEVER outdated), and they have to be mostly DIY, not bought all prepackaged.  My partner and I were debating between two costume ideas: Ghostbusters (we’d be the busters, the kids would be ghosts) or Game of Thrones.  GB would be much easier to make, but less relevant.  GoT was much more relevant, but harder to scrape together.  Welllllll, once we saw the season finale of GoT, our minds were made up.  Just in case, this is your official SPOILER ALERT if you’re not caught up on Game of Thrones.

Once one of the dragons bit it, I turned to Brian.

“This is it!!  There’s only two now!  It’s PERFECT!”

Two dragons = two children.  Therefore, I am the Mother of Dragons.  The Breaker of Chains.  Khaleesi.  Daenerys Targaryn.

“And you can be Jon Snow now because they’re a thing!  But we’ll just overlook the aunt/nephew situation.”

I enlisted the help of my mom to make this dream come true, and Halloween history was made.

Faces blurred to protect the innocent

 

I found my dress at Goodwill and my friend helped me chop off the sleeves and change the hemline.  I bought fabric at the fabric store (!) to match the dress and made a very makeshift cape.  The boots and leggings were already mine.  The wig was bought online and I actually braided it and styled it myself.

Brian’s wig was bought online.  He’s wearing a cheap black shirt with a kid’s plastic shield pinned to the chest bought at the dollar store with two black belts criss-crossed across the whole thing and fastened in the back.  He’s wearing a black furry pimp coat from Goodwill for bulk and a black cape over it.  Pinned to the black cape is a furry black scarf because Jon Snow loves him some fur (BUT NO ONE UP NORTH EVER WEARS A HAT! WTF?!).  He grew a beard for the occasion and finishes off the look with the only black boots he owns, his rain boots.  Because #pacificnorthwest.

My mom really came through for the kids’ costumes.  First we bought matching green shirts and pants, and then my mom made the felt hats, capes, and socks/claws.  I love how the hats and capes are exactly the same, just different color schemes.  Dragon sib-lings! And my son’s claws are on oversized green socks that fit right over his shoes. Cutest fire-breathing dragons this side of Westeros!

Now let’s go conquer up some mystical kingdom, shall we?

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NaBloPoMo Day 4

 

Wordless Wednesday: Colors

The Gray

Today I took a walk with Dylan, and I am so glad I did.

We squeezed it in, forced it into the tiny space of time between the end of cleaning up from lunch and the moment when D self-destructs without warning, in need of a nap.

I am glad I forced it.

Why?

Because I can feel the Northwestern winter creeping up on us all too soon and it’s freaking me out.

We had a few days of gray and rain and coolness already, and I hoped that we hadn’t said goodbye to summer already.  At this time last year, I remember it still being quite hot, or is that just me seeing through the foggy, thick pea soup of having a newborn and carrying around the extra heat-producing baby weight and wanting sleep so badly I’d do something illegal to get it…?

I can handle the depressive gray for a few days here and there.  And when I know it’s only temporary, then I actually like a change of pace where the weather’s concerned (of course, then my therapist self reminds me that everything is temporary if you give it enough time….so there).  Last Sunday I actually started to feel that twinge of excitement and coziness that I get around Halloweentime.  It makes me want to throw on a sweater, watch movies, and consume warm, sugary beverages (as opposed to the warm months, which make me want to consume cool, sugary beverages).

This will be my third winter but only my second fall in the Northwest.  This year, approaching Fall and Winter feels different.  Last year, I had a snuggly newborn and I was overwhelmed and tired and had a great excuse not to go anywhere or see anyone.  I didn’t get dressed, and I breastfed and cuddled and snoozed and rocked and bounced and sang and ate and watched TV.  Yeah, the weather sucked, but I was too wrapped up in my own personal ball of crazy – each gray day blending into the next – that I didn’t notice.  Or maybe it was that the gray backdrop matched my gray days and so everything seemed to fit.

But now – now I have a kid on the verge of walking.  He wants to MOVE.  And go outside and see things and explore.  And as for me, I want a life, too.  Seeing the world through his eyes also makes me want to go outside and see things and explore.  But the weather.  The gray.  That makes it hard.  It’s like The Nothing from The Never Ending Story.  Sounds a bit dramatic, but I assure you, Seasonal Affective Disorder is real and it sucks.  I have to push through it and I am not looking forward to pushing.

Which reminds me why I pushed to get outside and walk today.  Because it was SO NICE outside.  It was beautiful, and for that I am very thankful.  School was just letting out, and I enjoyed getting to see all the littles getting picked up by their parents who love them.  Dylan and I watched and I told him that’ll be us in 4 short years.

Four very short gray winters from now.