Fanclub is a Four Letter Word

Dear Le Clown,

I think I would make a most excellent ACOF Club Member attention whore Wrangler in that I don’t suck and I work hard.  When I’m not slacking off.  Or sucking.

I’m already pretty damn good at witnessing how everyday is fucking magical.  Hell, I am a therapist, and I create the fucking magic.  It spews out of my cranial meatuses (meati?) like rainbow farts spew out of baby unicorns’ buttholes since they can’t yet control the flow at such a tender young age.  I am also very organized, and I am good at spelling when I don’t completely ignore spellcheck.  I am also witty and polite when I am not drunk.  Now is not one of those times, so fuck you.

Even though I am already the maker of magical thoughts that will blow your mind like the honeybadger blows out his birthday candles, I’d like you, Le Clown, The Master, to teach me your ways.  Please.  I will be as obedient and dedicated and flawlessly gorgeous as Uma Thurman playing The Bride, and I totally picture you as Pai Mei, because, come on, that’s just awesome.

Le Clown - The Kung Fu Master

Le Clown – The Kung Fu Master

Lyssa - The devoted (and kickass) apprentice

Lyssa – The devoted (and kickass) apprentice

I am willing to bloody my knuckles if it means being able to one day single-handedly hack my way out of a wooden coffin after being buried alive by my insane babydaddy’s younger brother.  And by ‘bloody my knuckles,’ I mean do hard work being the Club Member Wrangler.  And hacking my way out refers to grand success in the form of magnificence (tee em).  And I really hope I don’t have some crazy secret babydaddy out there.  I think this particular metaphor went amiss, so let’s move on, shall we?

Metaphors and blood stains aside, I am also quite literally The Bride, as I am planning a wedding and getting married in July.  Allow me to explain how this works to your advantage (because it does – trust me).  Not only am I baby-crazy female without a rock on my finger, but now my hormones have instinctively revved up and this Bridezilla is so batshit crazy driven that no one is going to get in her way of talking about herself in the third person.

I'll fuck you up in the name of Le Clown

I’ll fuck you up in the name of Le Clown

For serious, if you want me to get you new readers who are only creepy bald man puppets – consider it done.  Slaughter the Crazy 88s?  On my lunch break.  Paint your toenails a different shade of green than they normally are?  With pleasure (and glitter).

In closing, thank you for considering me for the very prestigious position of ACOF Club Member Wrangler.  I feel that I would be an excellent addition to your carnie staff.

Attached are my references and the severed head of your worst enemy.  Please know that he died slowly and with much pain.

Ruthlessly yours,

Lyssa aka The Bride

PS – I’d like full vision and dental.  And 3 weeks paid vacation.  Per month.

PPS – Tell Subcomandante I said hi.  The severed head of her worst enemy is in the mail.

This Is Halloween – Part *Boo*

Welcome to the second post chronicling the various Halloween costumes I have crafted and in which I have strutted about over the years.  I don’t even care that that last sentence is really dense, so go back and read it again if you have to.  That’s right, here on Psychobabble, I make you work.  Or you can just skim.  Whatever.

In case you missed it, slink on back to my first Halloween post to see the blogging debut of my peanut head I had as a toddler, as well as some kickass costumes brought to you by the 80s and 90s… and a dash of whoreish makeup.

This one time, at band camp… – When I first got to college, some random dude on my dorm floor told me I looked like ‘that band camp chick from the American Pie movies.’  I said, ‘Gee, thanks, drunk guy!’ and then I looked in the mirror and knew he was on [to] something…besides the drugs.  That, my friends, was where I got the idea for that year’s Halloween costume.

aaaaand that’s my recorder I got at Girl Scout Camp, for serious.

I dyed my hair an awesome shade of red, I borrowed running shorts from my crazy runner roommate (because all runners are automatically crazy in my diagnostic book), and I ironed on the band camp letters to the shirt that I still wear to this day.  Don’t worry, I made sure to wash off the recorder.  Safety first.

Silly Caucasian girl likes to play with Samurai swords – When I was in college, there was no cooler badass chick in the movies than Uma Thurman in Kill Bill.

all I need now is the yellow motorcycle.

This is my version of The Bride’s yellow leather motorcycle suit.  You know, the one where she wipes the floor with the Crazy 88.  My mom and I searched for what felt like for-ev-er for that yellow jacket.  I think we finally found it in a Forever 21, and it actually has “Italia” embroidered across the chest, and so we hid the letters with various patches we found at a local army surplus store, then we sewed on the black stripes.  We searched in vain for yellow pants, and so my mom actually made these for me because she’s a rockstar.  The shoes were mine, and the sword was plastic.

I dyed my hair blonde(r)…or as blonde as I could get it, short of bleaching it.  I looooove playing around with makeup, and since I couldn’t bring myself to douse my new yellow jacket and pants with fake blood, I made sure my face looked as realistic as possible.  This year, I won second place in a costume contest.  The following year, I wore this same costume in the Netherlands during my study abroad program, and my makeup was realistic enough, and Halloween was foreign enough to my Dutch professor that he actually tried to get me to leave class and see a doctor until I shouted out “Happy Halloween!”  His response:  “Oh you silly Americans…”

At this point in the game of life, Brian was forced joined in on the Halloween fun!

This is one doodle that can’t be undid, homeskillet – I was obsessed with the movie Juno when it came out.  Diablo Cody, I wish I could pay you to script my life, and Ellen Page, your delivery was like Daria came to life for me.

No, this is not a food baby all right? I’ve taken like three pregnancy tests, and I’m forshizz up the spout.

Brian and I bought our shirts online, and they were the actual shirts the actors wore in the movie: Dancing Elk Condors for Brian, and Slinky for me.  It’s fun for a boy or a girl!   I dyed my hair brown (I think I like any excuse to dye my hair).  We bought gold gym shorts and then my mom hemmed them up super short.   I think the best challenge was figuring out how to make my pregnant belly.  Believe it or not, under there is a Spiderman pillow held in place with and old tube top my mom had.  Not shown are props of orange TicTacs for Brian and a jug of SunnyD for me.

Those girls with their fishnets and sexy nicknames – So my obsession with Ellen Page continued after I went to see the movie Whip It.  Even though I wasn’t very recognized that year, I still had a blast dressing up as her roller derby character, Babe Ruthless.

Be your own hero

What made this costume especially cool for me was that her roller derby team was called the Hurl Scouts, and I rocked the Girl Scouts for 11 awesome years.  Their derby uniforms were sexy, modified versions of a scouting uniform.  I found my dress in a department store and got real Girl Scout patches left over from when I was in scouts.  Fun fact – the red 22 numbers are actually Boy Scout numbers, so I ordered those directly from the boys in charge.  I wore green tights and my knee pads from when I played volleyball.  My helmet looks super rad (not even close)…it’s my bike helmet made to look as round as possible with the yellow jammer star on the side.

Brian was an awesome version of Razor, the team coach, played by a Wilson brother.  And, sadly, we both went sans skates because we didn’t want to seriously injure ourselves trying to get into character.

Off with their heads!! – This was the year Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland came out, and I created my own version of the Queen of Hearts.

a need a little pink pig for my feet.

I found a red and black bridesmaids dress with pit stains at a thrift store, and then I bought more black and white fabric.  My mom helped me sew on the black side panels and then we ironed on the black and white hearts.  We ironed stabilizer onto some white fabric and fashioned the stiff collar which we pinned to the shoulder straps of the dress.  My mom made my crown by pinning felt around a plastic water bottle that had been cut in half.

Brian went as the Mad Hatter, and I fought him to be able to put makeup on his face.  Such a good sport, this guy!!

we’re so good at (pretending) to be crazy

I want you to help me catch a killer of women – Last year, I went as Lisbeth Salander, aka The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo.

Again, I dyed my hair, but this stuff was only spray on and wash off, because I only wanted to be a badass for one night.   The best part about this costume was custom making the temporary tattoos.  I bought temp tattoo paper online and printed out the two images I wanted – Lisbeth’s dragon and wasp.  They came out perfectly if I do say so myself.  After doing this I could totally understand why people get the real variety.

Wasp.

I bought fake piercings at a costume store and put them on my nose and ears.  Holy crap did those things hurt!!  And then I basically walked around that night punching people in the face.

So, I hope you enjoyed the chronicles of Melissa’s Halloween obsession.

Happy trick-or-treating!