Here’s how conversations go now that I’m doing Whole30 (inner monologue is in brackets, because I’m normal and have a constant inner monologue like every human rightfully should. Also, like Joe from You because he’s witty and not at all creepy):
Mom acquaintance at school pickup: Hey, how’s it going?
[I’m on Whole30. It’s day 5. I miss cookies.]
Me: Pretty good! How are you? [I’m normal! Act normal.]
Mom: Doing good, feeling tired. What’s new with you?
Me: Oh, nothing. I’m doing Whole30. [smile!]
Mom: Oh, cool! How’s it going?
[Help me. Do you have any chocolate? I won’t tell.]
Me: Surprisingly well, actually. I feel good, just starting to get cravings at night after the kids go to bed. [It’s like a sugar booty call and I can’t get to the phone.]
Mom: Ah. Well, good luck with everything!
[I’m gonna need more than luck, but ok.]
Me: Thanks! [run away.]
Also, it’s interesting how food and diets and programs like this shine a light on one’s personality. What I mean is that I’ve always been a rule follower. I like rules; they make me feel safe and alive. I tend to follow them to the letter. And well, I’ve found out that my Whole30 food guru leader, M, is a little more lax than I thought. Observe our text conversations that may or may not have been embellished for my pleasure.
Me: Soooo, you can’t have hummus, right? They’re legumes?
M: Oh. Technically that’s right, but they’re my cheat thing.
Me: Oooh, got it.
(later on)
M: Lookit this pic of this super tasty Whole30 meat bowl explosion at Chipotle!
[includes pic of a super tasty-looking bowl of food- but wait!]
Me: Looks yummy! But uhh…is that corn? Corn isn’t compliant.
M: Corn is a vegetable!
Me, unable to tell if she’s joking: Corn is a grain. It’s against the rules.
M: It’s ok. Everything is ok. Breathe.
Me: But, but…how many cheat things do you have? You’re supposed to guide me on this journey. This is such a violation of my expectations! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?!
M: Eat what you want, lady. Your goals on this are different than mine. Breathe.
Me: [hyperventilating]
Psychobabble 
