You’re Invited…to an online wedding!

Hello my Psychos!

As you all may or may not know…..*dramatic pause*…..I am getting married.

(And by know, I mean you’ve all vomited every time you’ve seen the words “wedding” or “love” or “matrimonial discharge” on my blog in the past 6 months.  I’m sorry…that you all have such weak stomachs.)

At some point in this journey, Emily from The Waiting very bitchily declared herself my online bridesmaid, and I said she could gladly have the honor as long as I got the naming rights to her next child.  I can’t wait to meet Sylvester P. Asskicker and give him/her ve’s first dangerous sharp object.

But Melissa, you’re thinking, What does the “p” stand for?

You ready for this jelly?


You’re welcome, little bundle of sex appeal that has yet to exist!

But I digress.  Emily’s bitchiness, besides adding kindling to the fiery rage within my heart, also gave me a really awesome idea.

Why should the joy associated with my upcoming nuptials be limited to those savory characters I know in the fleshy realm?  If Emily can be my online bridesmaid, then why not have a whole online bridal party…bachelorette party…online wedding ceremony complete with a hunky online husband-to-be?!

Why not INDEED.

First things first- I needs me someone to online marry!  Now, let me be clear: while no one, and I mean no one, could replace the real-life manly cuteness that is my Brian Boyman…I still get to choose me an online fiance who ignites the burning in my loins and makes my ovary do flips.  Without a second thought, the perfect man for this online job goes to……..

Hey, Wife

Hey, Wife

…Shirtless Ryan Gosling!

I know, we’re so excited!  We can’t wait to start our online life together!

Now I’ve stopped gushing for the moment, this is where y’all come in, y’all.  I need me some imaginary people online bloggers to help me escape the hell of planning a wedding celebrate the most amazing time in my life!

Emily already butted into my bubble of joy, and for that, she’s getting promoted – Girl, you’re now officially my online Matron of Honor!   Now I need all my Psychos (yes, you….and all the voices inside your head) to fight to the death to help me make this online wedding a non-reality!

Basically, we’re gonna have an online event (in the form of a blog post or posts) for every wedding event that takes place in the real world – bridal shower, bachelorette party, rehearsal dinner, the wedding itself – and everyone who earns a role will get to contribute.

Here’s how to become a part of the action:

1. State in a comment two things: who you’re nominating (yourself or someone else), and for which role from the below list.

2. The person who is nominated must draft a well thought out (or drunkenly typed) answer to the question or prompt posed that corresponds to your chosen role, and email it to me at by March 31st 11:59pm PST

3. My matron of honor and I will judge the entries, and the winners will be posted at some date after March 31st when I decide to sober up.

4. Feel free to campaign for yourself via a post on your own blog.  I’ll also accept bribes in the form of chocolate, human babies, and human babies covered in chocolate.  When shipping, please overnight them.  I hate spoiled babies.

5. Also feel free to “vote” for your fellow bloggers by responding to their comment declarations with a LIKE or a boob squeeze.

Without further ado….Lyssa’s Bridal Party:

1. Bridesmaids – Shirtless Ryan Gosling has just made a pass at you and now it’s time for your speech. What do you do?
2. Officiant – Write an intro to the most beautiful wedding ceremony ever.
3. Mother of the Bride – You’re planning the bridal shower.  What theme do you choose and why?
4. Mother in Law – The china pattern at the wedding doesn’t match your new lace skivvies.  What do you do about it?
5. Wedding Planner – Lyssa and Shirtless Ryan Gosling has asked you to find them a dozen flying monkeys to act as ushers. Go.
6. Drunk Cousin/Uncle/Baby – You have stolen the cake knife and the DJ’s mic.  What happens next?
7. Best Man – You realize that one of the bridesmaids is your ex meth dealer…and your ex.  Do you hit that?
8. Caterer – What delicious meal do you have planned for this special night?
9. Florist – Lyssa and Shirtless Ryan Gosling have requested a floral jungle theme.  Describe what you’ve created.
10. Photographer – What’s your style of photography?  Describe how you would capture our raw sexual energy on film.
11. Bartender – The drunk cousin/uncle/baby starts dancing on the bar and demands another scotch and soda. What do you do?
12. DJ – You’re playing the best dance music evar – which jams do you play?
13. Marriage Therapist – How would you know when Lyssa and Shirtless Ryan Gosling are ready to publicly declare their eternal love?


…don’t see a role you like??  Make one up!!

You can also tell me, in lieu of the above prompts, how you plan to ensure the safety of Shirtless Ryan Gosling and me in the event of a zombie outbreak, should one develop during the course of merriment and festivity-making.


Mrs. Shirtless Ryan Gosling-to-be


Fanclub is a Four Letter Word

Dear Le Clown,

I think I would make a most excellent ACOF Club Member attention whore Wrangler in that I don’t suck and I work hard.  When I’m not slacking off.  Or sucking.

I’m already pretty damn good at witnessing how everyday is fucking magical.  Hell, I am a therapist, and I create the fucking magic.  It spews out of my cranial meatuses (meati?) like rainbow farts spew out of baby unicorns’ buttholes since they can’t yet control the flow at such a tender young age.  I am also very organized, and I am good at spelling when I don’t completely ignore spellcheck.  I am also witty and polite when I am not drunk.  Now is not one of those times, so fuck you.

Even though I am already the maker of magical thoughts that will blow your mind like the honeybadger blows out his birthday candles, I’d like you, Le Clown, The Master, to teach me your ways.  Please.  I will be as obedient and dedicated and flawlessly gorgeous as Uma Thurman playing The Bride, and I totally picture you as Pai Mei, because, come on, that’s just awesome.

Le Clown - The Kung Fu Master

Le Clown – The Kung Fu Master

Lyssa - The devoted (and kickass) apprentice

Lyssa – The devoted (and kickass) apprentice

I am willing to bloody my knuckles if it means being able to one day single-handedly hack my way out of a wooden coffin after being buried alive by my insane babydaddy’s younger brother.  And by ‘bloody my knuckles,’ I mean do hard work being the Club Member Wrangler.  And hacking my way out refers to grand success in the form of magnificence (tee em).  And I really hope I don’t have some crazy secret babydaddy out there.  I think this particular metaphor went amiss, so let’s move on, shall we?

Metaphors and blood stains aside, I am also quite literally The Bride, as I am planning a wedding and getting married in July.  Allow me to explain how this works to your advantage (because it does – trust me).  Not only am I baby-crazy female without a rock on my finger, but now my hormones have instinctively revved up and this Bridezilla is so batshit crazy driven that no one is going to get in her way of talking about herself in the third person.

I'll fuck you up in the name of Le Clown

I’ll fuck you up in the name of Le Clown

For serious, if you want me to get you new readers who are only creepy bald man puppets – consider it done.  Slaughter the Crazy 88s?  On my lunch break.  Paint your toenails a different shade of green than they normally are?  With pleasure (and glitter).

In closing, thank you for considering me for the very prestigious position of ACOF Club Member Wrangler.  I feel that I would be an excellent addition to your carnie staff.

Attached are my references and the severed head of your worst enemy.  Please know that he died slowly and with much pain.

Ruthlessly yours,

Lyssa aka The Bride

PS – I’d like full vision and dental.  And 3 weeks paid vacation.  Per month.

PPS – Tell Subcomandante I said hi.  The severed head of her worst enemy is in the mail.

I want to win a Blogroll Contest

Enjoying Le Clown with the golden brown California hills in the background.

Hey.  Hey you.  Even though I may not win, I like competing in this Blogroll Contest of the famous Le Clown.

If you have not yet been privy to his genius, check it out. I implore you.

If you decide you kinda like me, you can also participate in today’s (or other day’s) contests and then nobly donate the points to me.

That is all.