The Big Online Wedding Reveal

The day has come, Psychos, and I just had to change my pants because I am so excited!

Thank you, THANK YOU to everyone who expressed interest in becoming a part of Shirtless Ryan Gosling’s and my special online day!  Y’all make me feel special and loved…even more so than Ryan does, which is pretty hard to beat because his photoshopped abs are out of this world.

Now, I’m sure you’re all changing your pants as you read this because you’re dying to know who made the cut.

Well, I’m in the business of making people feel better, and so there’s no way I’d deny anyone the pleasure of taking part in two sexy souls becoming one unstoppable love factory.

Which means…all of you beautiful people who sent me applications in the form of prose, pictures, and babies covered in bacon…y’all win!

The following are everyone’s entries for roles in the wedding party…when the word party is used as loosely as possible.

Matron of Honor – Emily from The Waiting

If you missed her post from yesterday, I highly recommend you go back and read it.  Because of her, my inhibitions have been dangerously lowered by cardboard flavored wine and I am armed with copious amounts of mace.  Look out, Rachel McAdams! (only I love you and kinda want to be you…so just be nice to me and pretend to rub your eyes while you roll around the ground in agony.)

Officiant – Jen and Tonic

I would like to nominate myself as the officiant. I would write fat rhymes for the wedding:

We’ve gathered here today to celebrate this crazy couple,
While they’re still in love, and photograph well because their bodies are supple.
She wants nothing more than to be his spouse,
Especially after she learned he owned a country house.
For better or worse, he wants to be her mate,
Or until her friend takes him up on the offer for a date.
It’s time to get this show on the road,
So they can finally hump as man and wife in their humble abode.

Bouquet Toss Maniac – Quirky Chrissy

Not only did Chrissy write her own post about joining the Shirtless family, but she also sent me photographic evidence as to why she’s a maniac, maniac…on the floor.

She will cut you.

Bouquet Toss Girl – mysweatyshirt

Sweaty, you’ll have to duke it out with Chrissy.  May the best crazy person win!

Crazy Bridesmaid – Amb from Words Become Superfluous

I am so all over this like the bridesmaid who takes a cell phone picture of drunk cousin/uncle/baby dancing on the bar, turns it into a GIF, and charms the DJ into borrowing his equipment so that the thing can run in a continuous loop projected on the wall behind your least favourite aunt when she’s making her toast.

For my application to be your online bridesmaid, I’m sending you an early wedding present. It will help you cope with the stress of planning your online wedding and ensure that you are as radiant and well-rested on your big day as you were when you and Shirtless Ryan Gosling first met. I give you … 

 

The Gos-line. 

 

Yes, this is really a thing that is really happening. Now Ryan can talk to you during the difficult times you are apart, and the endless days and nights between now and your super amazing online wedding will fly by! 

 

http://o.canada.com/2013/03/27/hey-girl-missing-ryan-gosling-call-the-gosline/ 

 

See you at the online bridal shower, 

 

amb 

Combination Florist/Flower Girl – Katie from Words for Worms

If you missed Katie’s post desperately vying to heal childhood trauma by becoming my florist slash flower girl, better go take a looksee.

Plus, she’s adorable:

http://wordsforworms.files.wordpress.com/2013/03/img_6728-e1363916693322.jpg

Can’t wait to see you coming down the aisle!

Wedding Planner – Speaker7

Okay–get ready for your socks to be knocked off and flung into the stratosphere. This is why I am the only wedding planner you should have.

 

First look at this cake I scored:

Can you taste the rainbow? I sure can.

 

Then I found the perfect bride/groom outfit combo:

Do you see how it matches the cake?!?

 

That’s all you need, yes? 

 

Nailed it.

 

Your wedding planner,

Speaker7

Indeed, you nailed it.  I want that cake in my mouth.  And it’s like those leotards were…meant to fit together.

Photographer – Sara from Laments and Lullabies

I want to take pictures at your wedding because I have an excuse to get drunk in heels. That’s right, I’ll get myself fancy for your wedding time with RG. 

It would please me greatly to snap pictures of drunk babies. 

It would please me greatly to snap pics of you being hilarious and sexy at the same time. 

I want to touch Shirtless RG on the pecs. 

Sorry about that last bit. Just slipped out. 

I can make gifs. No wedding is complete without gifs. 

Will work for beer and the opportunity to touch pecs. 

 

Dammit. 

 

Sincerely, 

Saradraws of Laments and lullabies. 

Touch him and die.  Waiting for some gifs!

The B-list friend – The Cutter

I’d like to be the B-List friend who you didn’t want to invite, but also didn’t want to offend, and you figured I “wouldn’t show up anyway.” And so I get placed at the oddball table in the back corner.

The Narrator – El Guapo

I’d like the role of narrator (or soundman) for the crew fiming this as an episode of the reality show “Don’t you wish you were having this much fun???”

Rapping Granny – calahan

I want to be the rapping granny that entertains at the reception party.

(in response) The Waiting – You will be paid in meatballs. That OK?

Not those Swedish ones, though. As an elderly person, I am slightly racist and the Swedes are scum.

Drunk Ex-Girlfriend – Pixie Girl

Love the idea but I wanted to marry Ryan Gosling! Is there another non-shirtless option available, and also so that I can still stay married to my husband?

Also, I would make an awesome therapist, but I fear I’d lead to your divorce so I can get my paws on Ryan. So perhaps I’d be better as a drunk ex-girlfriend-turned-co-worker who would use the mike-plus-knife opportunity to keep everyone hostage until they hear her drunken story?

Under no circumstances can you have Ryan, with or without his shirt.  If I suspect foul play, you’re out. 

Sexy Maid – renxkyoko

I want to cosplay and be the sexy maid in uniform at the wedding reception.

I hope you plan to bus the tables!  I plan to drop my fork…a lot.

Body Painter – TGVA

I would like to be the fashionista dictator and painter of the bride. Seeing how the man to be is shirtless, the bride will also be shirtless. Please don’t get all upset or offended as the bride to be will sport body paint!!! Some lovely lines on the lovely lines with an artistic flair thanks to ME! . hmmmm????

Mega points for creativity.  My boobs really need to be made into fine art.

Drunk Wedding-hater – nevercontrary

I dislike being in weddings so I would like to get drunk on my favorite drink crown and attend this wedding. I will be sitting in the back wearing black and throwing popcorn.

Only if I can catch some popcorn in my mouth.

Baker – Melissa

I see you don’t have a baker… so I nominate myself as your official online-wedding-baker. Will and Kate cake ain’t got nothin’ on this shiz… because it’s cupcakes frosted in dreams, wishes, and baby tears. Too much? Fine, chocolate is good too.

Let me know if I can link to you…because I want this cake in my mouth yesterday.

Wedding Favors – Last, but oh so not least…Le Clown has offered up some extremely sexy wedding favors for y’all.

I am offering my candidacy as the official virtual party favors for Ryan and Lyssa’s wedding. Why?
1. Ryan is Canadian—so is Le Clown;
2. Ryan is magnificently™ hot—so is Le Clown;
3. Ryan has a six pack—so does Le Clown’s naked figurine (not to be confused with the real Le Clown who sports the one-ab™);
4. Le Clown has a crush on Ryan—but that is a whole other story;
5. Le Clown is French Canadian—therefore the ambassador of love;
6. [Insert something about Lyssa];
7. Le Clown believes in self-promotion—please follow my blog.
8. Le Clown is eco-sensitive—you don’t have to print this e-party favor if you care about mother Earth.
9. Fuck you, Eva Mendes.

Fun for a girl or a boy!

6.  Fuck you.

9. I couldn’t agree more.

——-

And that, my Psychos, is the wedding party!

This is better than eloping!

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You’re Invited…to an online wedding!

Hello my Psychos!

As you all may or may not know…..*dramatic pause*…..I am getting married.

(And by know, I mean you’ve all vomited every time you’ve seen the words “wedding” or “love” or “matrimonial discharge” on my blog in the past 6 months.  I’m sorry…that you all have such weak stomachs.)

At some point in this journey, Emily from The Waiting very bitchily declared herself my online bridesmaid, and I said she could gladly have the honor as long as I got the naming rights to her next child.  I can’t wait to meet Sylvester P. Asskicker and give him/her ve’s first dangerous sharp object.

But Melissa, you’re thinking, What does the “p” stand for?

You ready for this jelly?

…Pootytang.

You’re welcome, little bundle of sex appeal that has yet to exist!

But I digress.  Emily’s bitchiness, besides adding kindling to the fiery rage within my heart, also gave me a really awesome idea.

Why should the joy associated with my upcoming nuptials be limited to those savory characters I know in the fleshy realm?  If Emily can be my online bridesmaid, then why not have a whole online bridal party…bachelorette party…online wedding ceremony complete with a hunky online husband-to-be?!

Why not INDEED.

First things first- I needs me someone to online marry!  Now, let me be clear: while no one, and I mean no one, could replace the real-life manly cuteness that is my Brian Boyman…I still get to choose me an online fiance who ignites the burning in my loins and makes my ovary do flips.  Without a second thought, the perfect man for this online job goes to……..

Hey, Wife

…Shirtless Ryan Gosling!

I know, we’re so excited!  We can’t wait to start our online life together!

Now I’ve stopped gushing for the moment, this is where y’all come in, y’all.  I need me some imaginary people online bloggers to help me escape the hell of planning a wedding celebrate the most amazing time in my life!

Emily already butted into my bubble of joy, and for that, she’s getting promoted – Girl, you’re now officially my online Matron of Honor!   Now I need all my Psychos (yes, you….and all the voices inside your head) to fight to the death to help me make this online wedding a non-reality!

Basically, we’re gonna have an online event (in the form of a blog post or posts) for every wedding event that takes place in the real world – bridal shower, bachelorette party, rehearsal dinner, the wedding itself – and everyone who earns a role will get to contribute.

Here’s how to become a part of the action:

1. State in a comment two things: who you’re nominating (yourself or someone else), and for which role from the below list.

2. The person who is nominated must draft a well thought out (or drunkenly typed) answer to the question or prompt posed that corresponds to your chosen role, and email it to me at psychobabblepants@gmail.com by March 31st 11:59pm PST

3. My matron of honor and I will judge the entries, and the winners will be posted at some date after March 31st when I decide to sober up.

4. Feel free to campaign for yourself via a post on your own blog.  I’ll also accept bribes in the form of chocolate, human babies, and human babies covered in chocolate.  When shipping, please overnight them.  I hate spoiled babies.

5. Also feel free to “vote” for your fellow bloggers by responding to their comment declarations with a LIKE or a boob squeeze.

Without further ado….Lyssa’s Bridal Party:

1. Bridesmaids – Shirtless Ryan Gosling has just made a pass at you and now it’s time for your speech. What do you do?

2. Officiant – Write an intro to the most beautiful wedding ceremony ever.

3. Mother of the Bride – You’re planning the bridal shower.  What theme do you choose and why?

4. Mother in Law – The china pattern at the wedding doesn’t match your new lace skivvies.  What do you do about it?

5. Wedding Planner – Lyssa and Shirtless Ryan Gosling has asked you to find them a dozen flying monkeys to act as ushers. Go.

6. Drunk Cousin/Uncle/Baby – You have stolen the cake knife and the DJ’s mic.  What happens next?

7. Best Man – You realize that one of the bridesmaids is your ex meth dealer…and your ex.  Do you hit that?

8. Caterer – What delicious meal do you have planned for this special night?

9. Florist – Lyssa and Shirtless Ryan Gosling have requested a floral jungle theme.  Describe what you’ve created.

10. Photographer – What’s your style of photography?  Describe how you would capture our raw sexual energy on film.

11. Bartender – The drunk cousin/uncle/baby starts dancing on the bar and demands another scotch and soda. What do you do?

12. DJ – You’re playing the best dance music evar – which jams do you play?

13. Marriage Therapist – How would you know when Lyssa and Shirtless Ryan Gosling are ready to publicly declare their eternal love?

 

…don’t see a role you like??  Make one up!!

You can also tell me, in lieu of the above prompts, how you plan to ensure the safety of Shirtless Ryan Gosling and me in the event of a zombie outbreak, should one develop during the course of merriment and festivity-making.

Squee,

Mrs. Shirtless Ryan Gosling-to-be

Say yes to the OCD

I tend to obsess over things.

Indeed, I diagnosed myself with a minor case of OCD after obsessing and compulsing over the criteria in my Intro To Messed Up People textbook that was required reading in undergrad.

Wedding planning has proved to be no different.  In fact, it has proven to be worse.
As a result of looking through countless wedding venue websites, calling venue people to leave messages and asking questions in emails, visiting lots of venues in person and being told all their frickin rules and restrictions and through-the-roof prices, I now have new obsessions and compulsions to add to my list.

1.  When I enter a large space, I immediately size it up and start calculating how many round tables could fit in this space, seating 10 people each, and where the dance floor could be.

Doesn’t matter where I am: the conference room at work, a park on the way home, a wide aisle in the grocery store.

2.  When I watch a movie with a wedding in it, I find myself noticing details about the wedding I didn’t give a fondant about 6 months ago: the kind of chairs they have, how many people are seated at a table, the kind of fabric draped as decoration.  Yesterday I paused Wedding Crashers several times to drool at all the gorgeous tents and chairs.

If only my Hollywood dad were Christopher Walken.

3.  I’ve started to have the freaky everything-that-can-go-wrong-will dreams that make me feel the opposite of rested in the morning.  What’s the most maddening is that, in these dreams, I end up obsessing over weird things that I would never do in real life.

For instance, last night I dreamed that I was practicing my wedding dance moves in this big class of women who were all getting married at this same venue in the coming year.  Not only was this class a requirement for getting married at that venue, but the dance moves they wanted us to know were horrible 80s hip-hop moves.  No, kind sir, it is most definitely not hammer time.  And I was dressed in what I was going to get married in, which was these grey leggings under my wedding dress, and on my feet were these clunky, slip-on clogs that I couldn’t dance in, and ankle socks that matched the bridesmaids dresses.  I remember that I kept tugging on the leggings to keep them down, and on the socks so they’d stay up. *shudder*

—

The good news, after all this searching and obsessing and our refusal to settle, Brian and I have found a wedding venue that WE LOVE and we have set a motherfucking date!

Brian flew us over the venue to get a bird’s eye view

Not only that, but we’ve also found a partial wedding coordinator which makes me feel sooo much better when I look forward to the next 10 months.

I can’t wait to get to what I call the fun stuff, which is mainly dress shopping and renting several chocolate fountains.  Not at the same time, though.