The day has come, Psychos, and I just had to change my pants because I am so excited!
Thank you, THANK YOU to everyone who expressed interest in becoming a part of Shirtless Ryan Gosling’s and my special online day! Y’all make me feel special and loved…even more so than Ryan does, which is pretty hard to beat because his photoshopped abs are out of this world.
Now, I’m sure you’re all changing your pants as you read this because you’re dying to know who made the cut.
Well, I’m in the business of making people feel better, and so there’s no way I’d deny anyone the pleasure of taking part in two sexy souls becoming one unstoppable love factory.
Which means…all of you beautiful people who sent me applications in the form of prose, pictures, and babies covered in bacon…y’all win!
The following are everyone’s entries for roles in the wedding party…when the word party is used as loosely as possible.
Matron of Honor – Emily from The Waiting
If you missed her post from yesterday, I highly recommend you go back and read it. Because of her, my inhibitions have been dangerously lowered by cardboard flavored wine and I am armed with copious amounts of mace. Look out, Rachel McAdams! (only I love you and kinda want to be you…so just be nice to me and pretend to rub your eyes while you roll around the ground in agony.)
Officiant – Jen and Tonic
Bouquet Toss Maniac – Quirky Chrissy
Not only did Chrissy write her own post about joining the Shirtless family, but she also sent me photographic evidence as to why she’s a maniac, maniac…on the floor.
Bouquet Toss Girl – mysweatyshirt
Sweaty, you’ll have to duke it out with Chrissy. May the best crazy person win!
Crazy Bridesmaid – Amb from Words Become Superfluous
I am so all over this like the bridesmaid who takes a cell phone picture of drunk cousin/uncle/baby dancing on the bar, turns it into a GIF, and charms the DJ into borrowing his equipment so that the thing can run in a continuous loop projected on the wall behind your least favourite aunt when she’s making her toast.
For my application to be your online bridesmaid, I’m sending you an early wedding present. It will help you cope with the stress of planning your online wedding and ensure that you are as radiant and well-rested on your big day as you were when you and Shirtless Ryan Gosling first met. I give you …
Yes, this is really a thing that is really happening. Now Ryan can talk to you during the difficult times you are apart, and the endless days and nights between now and your super amazing online wedding will fly by!
See you at the online bridal shower,
Combination Florist/Flower Girl – Katie from Words for Worms
If you missed Katie’s post desperately vying to heal childhood trauma by becoming my florist slash flower girl, better go take a looksee.
Plus, she’s adorable:
Can’t wait to see you coming down the aisle!
Wedding Planner – Speaker7
Okay–get ready for your socks to be knocked off and flung into the stratosphere. This is why I am the only wedding planner you should have.
First look at this cake I scored:
Then I found the perfect bride/groom outfit combo:
That’s all you need, yes?
Your wedding planner,
Indeed, you nailed it. I want that cake in my mouth. And it’s like those leotards were…meant to fit together.
Photographer – Sara from Laments and Lullabies
I want to take pictures at your wedding because I have an excuse to get drunk in heels. That’s right, I’ll get myself fancy for your wedding time with RG.
It would please me greatly to snap pictures of drunk babies.
It would please me greatly to snap pics of you being hilarious and sexy at the same time.
I want to touch Shirtless RG on the pecs.
Sorry about that last bit. Just slipped out.
I can make gifs. No wedding is complete without gifs.
Will work for beer and the opportunity to touch pecs.
Saradraws of Laments and lullabies.
Touch him and die. Waiting for some gifs!
The B-list friend – The Cutter
I’d like to be the B-List friend who you didn’t want to invite, but also didn’t want to offend, and you figured I “wouldn’t show up anyway.” And so I get placed at the oddball table in the back corner.
The Narrator – El Guapo
I’d like the role of narrator (or soundman) for the crew fiming this as an episode of the reality show “Don’t you wish you were having this much fun???”
Rapping Granny – calahan
I want to be the rapping granny that entertains at the reception party.
(in response) The Waiting – You will be paid in meatballs. That OK?
Not those Swedish ones, though. As an elderly person, I am slightly racist and the Swedes are scum.
Drunk Ex-Girlfriend – Pixie Girl
Love the idea but I wanted to marry Ryan Gosling! Is there another non-shirtless option available, and also so that I can still stay married to my husband?
Also, I would make an awesome therapist, but I fear I’d lead to your divorce so I can get my paws on Ryan. So perhaps I’d be better as a drunk ex-girlfriend-turned-co-worker who would use the mike-plus-knife opportunity to keep everyone hostage until they hear her drunken story?
Under no circumstances can you have Ryan, with or without his shirt. If I suspect foul play, you’re out.
Sexy Maid – renxkyoko
I want to cosplay and be the sexy maid in uniform at the wedding reception.
I hope you plan to bus the tables! I plan to drop my fork…a lot.
Body Painter – TGVA
I would like to be the fashionista dictator and painter of the bride. Seeing how the man to be is shirtless, the bride will also be shirtless. Please don’t get all upset or offended as the bride to be will sport body paint!!! Some lovely lines on the lovely lines with an artistic flair thanks to ME! . hmmmm????
Mega points for creativity. My boobs really need to be made into fine art.
Drunk Wedding-hater – nevercontrary
I dislike being in weddings so I would like to get drunk on my favorite drink crown and attend this wedding. I will be sitting in the back wearing black and throwing popcorn.
Only if I can catch some popcorn in my mouth.
Baker – Melissa
I see you don’t have a baker… so I nominate myself as your official online-wedding-baker. Will and Kate cake ain’t got nothin’ on this shiz… because it’s cupcakes frosted in dreams, wishes, and baby tears. Too much? Fine, chocolate is good too.
Let me know if I can link to you…because I want this cake in my mouth yesterday.
Wedding Favors – Last, but oh so not least…Le Clown has offered up some extremely sexy wedding favors for y’all.
I am offering my candidacy as the official virtual party favors for Ryan and Lyssa’s wedding. Why?
1. Ryan is Canadian—so is Le Clown;
2. Ryan is magnificently™ hot—so is Le Clown;
3. Ryan has a six pack—so does Le Clown’s naked figurine (not to be confused with the real Le Clown who sports the one-ab™);
4. Le Clown has a crush on Ryan—but that is a whole other story;
5. Le Clown is French Canadian—therefore the ambassador of love;
6. [Insert something about Lyssa];
7. Le Clown believes in self-promotion—please follow my blog.
8. Le Clown is eco-sensitive—you don’t have to print this e-party favor if you care about mother Earth.
9. Fuck you, Eva Mendes.
6. Fuck you.
9. I couldn’t agree more.
And that, my Psychos, is the wedding party!
This is better than eloping!
I would like to nominate myself as the officiant. I would write fat rhymes for the wedding:
We’ve gathered here today to celebrate this crazy couple,
While they’re still in love, and photograph well because their bodies are supple.
She wants nothing more than to be his spouse,
Especially after she learned he owned a country house.
For better or worse, he wants to be her mate,
Or until her friend takes him up on the offer for a date.
It’s time to get this show on the road,
So they can finally hump as man and wife in their humble abode.