I’m here to tell everyone – all parents really – that you have permission to set boundaries for yourself and your kids in reaction to everyone, anyone, for any reason and at any time. Period. Full stop.
And unless you’re being abusive to your kids, then nobody gets to tell you that your boundaries aren’t valid. Like, ever. I mean, they can try, but they will fail.
Because guess what?
BEING THE PARENT MEANS YOU GET TO DECIDE WHAT IS BEST FOR YOUR KID.
Not a stranger on the street. Not a neighbor or a friend. Not your cousin or sibling or parent or the babysitter. None of them are the parent or legal guardian, so it simply ain’t their job.
This is such a simple concept that it blows my mind when people don’t understand it.
And then, because I’m a therapist, I take a step back and try really, really hard to understand why someone may not understand such a simple boundary of how the world works. From my experience, people who either don’t understand boundaries or perceive them as unkind are people who did not grow up with firm boundaries and/or were not taught how to set healthy ones.
To be specific, boundaries are some form of communication or action that communicate a limit or expectation for how that person wants to be treated. Boundaries have two parts: the first part described above, and then the second part is the consequence – what the boundary-setter plans to do if that expectation is not met.
(I just wrote the above off the cuff, but I’d like to add the Wikipedia definition I just looked up because it’s much more succinct: “Personal boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave towards them and how they will respond when someone passes those limits.“)
Imagine someone grew up without these. Imagine that person could do whatever they wanted growing up and had no consequences. For a kid, that sounds like a pretty scary, lonely, and unsafe place to be. Not being taught how to act with respect and integrity must land a person in some confusing and frustrating situations growing up. A common reaction is to blame everyone else for these problems, because the alternative is often too painful to entertain.
Now imagine that that same person has grown up and is being told how to act or what to do by another person, and is being given consequences to boot. Especially if this new boundary-setter is not perceived to be an authority figure, the reaction probably wouldn’t be positive.
There’s often backlash, or an attempt at manipulation, or accusations that the boundary-setter is being mean and controlling, or simply ignoring the boundaries and blowing right through them.
[Side note: my above growing-up-without-boundaries scenario was the kindest, most benefit-of-the-doubt explanation I could think of. Worst case scenario when a person blows through your boundaries is that they are being abusive. The simplest red flag for abuse is when the perpetrator does not hear you say ‘no.’ When a person ignores your ‘no,’ it means they are trying to control you or the situation. And gaining power and control over another person is what abuse is all about.]
Even though I get it on a conceptual level, these people are so fucking hard to deal with.
How do you explain to someone that boundaries aren’t mean?
And yup, they are about control, because I have control over myself and my life and my kids – AND YOU DON’T.
It’s one thing having to set a boundary one time with someone who is a reasonable human being: “Oh crap, you don’t like when I do that? I’m so sorry, I won’t do it again.” Best case scenario, right? Because it’s quite another thing to have to set the same boundary with someone who is boundaryless again and again and fucking over again.
Setting boundaries, like raising children, is exhausting. It’s having to stay firm and respectful and consistent in following through with consequences. Again and again and again until forever. It’s teaching little people how to behave in the world and it’s teaching big people how you, as an adult, wish to be treated (or how you wish your children be treated).
And when I’m setting boundaries on behalf of my kids – that’s where the stakes are high. My bitch mama bear comes out and I take no prisoners. No, dude on the street, my kid does not have to smile for you. No, lady at the park, you cannot touch my baby without asking me first.
My kids are depending on me to protect them until they can protect themselves. And they are learning from my example. They learn bodily autonomy and the value of consent when I say, Do you want to give _____ a hug? Because you don’t have to if you don’t want to. And if someone gets mad about not getting a hug, then that is their problem (and also a huge red flag!). Not mine, and sure as hell not my kid’s.
I’m setting the boundaries for them now so that they can do the same for themselves (and their kids) in the future. Because I don’t want my kids to grow up without boundaries. It’s dangerous and scary!
And for those adults who might recognize that they have negative reactions to boundaries being set – instead of writing off the boundary-setter as mean, you might want to take a look at exactly what is being asked of you. Is it truly unkind, or are you just not used to hearing “no”?
At the risk of rage-filled rambling on forever, I will wrap this up. While this may read as a tutorial for an audience, it’s actually directed at myself. It’s my way of reminding myself that I’m doing right by myself and my kids; no amount of negative and manipulative reactions to my boundaries will steer me off course because they [the reactions] aren’t mine to carry, deal with, or worry about. Period. Full stop.
Do any of you out there have trouble setting boundaries with boundaryless people?
What are your coping strategies?
I never made my kids hug, or even talk to anyone they did not want to. Also I had huge problems with people attempting to touch my son’s beautiful red hair when he was a baby and toddler. I was perceived as being a bitch for not allowing it. Screw them. I don’t know where their hands have been. Working in a restaurant I am all too aware of how many fail to wash there hands when using the rest room. Hell no you may not touch my baby. Also, to family members who refuse to adhere to your dietary restrictions regarding your own children …shame on them. Just yesterday I overheard a grandpa telling his friends he was dining out with that he sneaks sweets to his grandchild because the parents don’t allow it. That is downright shameful. My son had sugar issues, and by issues I mean he would become literally violent when he consumed sugar in most forms, even natural. I cannot tell you what I went through trying to keep him from getting sugar, and how everyone, including the school circumvented me because they didn’t agree with my boundaries. Many, many meetings. It said all over his school documents that he was basically allergic to sugar, because that was something they understood. The one time I left my then 5 year old with my good friend and neighbor while I was out of town for the weekend, the school allowed my son to purchase at the pta shop a bucket of gummy worms. He and his friend had inhaled them on the walk home. A little while later my friend called me in near hysterics. My son had her son in a head lock and was choking him out when the father went to call them for dinner. It almost cost me our friendship and my son was never allowed to stay over again. Truth be told…I never left him with anyone again after that, and all because the school allowed him to purchase and eat something he should never have been allowed to purchase. They knew better, they just didn’t care because they didn’t agree with me and refused to respect my boundaries. Me and my son suffered the consequences. Thank goodness the father found them when he did. I shudder to think if he hadn’t. Boundaries are important and need to be respected. Kudos to you. :)
Your story makes my blood boil in anger on your behalf. I FEEL YOU!
Thanks for sharing.
Totally agree! And in addition to strangers on the street, neighbors, friends, cousins, siblings, parents, and babysitters, I would also include the government. :)
I suppose. My list wasn’t exhaustive by any means, but I was mostly listing individuals with whom we can set boundaries.
Totally agree. As parents, we should have the final say regarding our kids.
Your list shouldn’t need to be exhaustive, that was my point. :) If someone isn’t the parent of a particular child, they should not get a vote in deciding boundaries for that child, IMO.