Ready for the Unknown

Today was the first day I felt actually ready and excited to have this baby.

You know, because you never really feel ready-ready, and nothing can ever actually prepare you.

I’m due on the 26th and today I am 38 weeks + 2. I started feeling crampy and achey last night while I was bending and lifting and standing to wrap Christmas presents. It felt like the familiar daily race to get things done before my body gave out, except with more urgency this time.

I took a hot shower and the steady stream of water felt really great on my lower back. I went to bed feeling oddly calm paired with the crampy anticipation and excitement that maybe this baby would be coming soon.

As the night wore on, with each successive trip to go pee, I felt more contractions and more anticipatory excitement that eventually kept me up from about 4-5:30am. I started bargaining as I frequently do: please, just wait until morning so we don’t have to wake the kid and rush out of here to the hospital. Also, please don’t wait too long and kick in just as the forecasted snow starts falling in the afternoon, making it hard for us to get to the hospital.

Arg, being unable to plan for something so important is making me go batty. As much as I complained about being induced with my first baby, I am now realizing how it took away a lot of this uncertainty.

B got up for work and I told him I thought I was in the early stages of labor. He asked if there was anything he could do, and there really wasn’t, so he got ready and left for work and we both assumed I’d be calling him in a few hours to get to the hospital.

This is perfect, I thought. We’ll make the window between sleep and snow, and all my support people are still in town today. And I’ll get to hold my baby!

As I lay there, I started thinking about the date and what her birthday might be, how labor would go, what I still needed to pack. My mind was whirring.

It took some effort, but I was able to sleep for a few more hours. I woke with continued mild contractions and started packing more stuff into my hospital bag. Then I started my day with the kid and we had breakfast and…..then nothing really happened.

Contractions stayed the same. We played, had lunch. The snow began to fall. Shit, I got nervous. The window was gone, and now I just knew I’d go into labor just in time for the snarl of traffic that was sure to happen. And it’s a 20-30 minute drive to the hospital with no traffic at all. I texted B at work and we agreed that we’d call 911 to request a police escort if it came to it.

I worried that I was waiting too long. What if these contractions were the real thing and my tolerance for pain is freakishly amazing? The whole day felt like one long contraction anyway, as my uterus tightens up anytime I stand up to move. I worried I’d end up having the baby at home, in the car. I was questioning my judgement.

Once I finally got the kid down for his nap and I was able to relax and try to chart my contractions, I could tell there was no rhythm, no intensity, no buildup. At the same time, I can feel that my body has turned a corner. It’s definitely getting ready. Just how ready and how quickly?

Leading up to today I’ve been doing a different kind of bargaining. It’s the thing where I’m sick and tired of being pregnant but still had shit I needed to get done before she got here. Christmas shopping needed to be finished. There was wrapping to be done. Decorating needed to happen. We even did our Christmas brunch early. And not to mention all the normal baby stuff that needed to be ready. Washing clothes, folding, putting away. We moved the kid into his new room along with all his stuff to make room for baby stuff. Car seats, carriers, bouncy seats, etc.

But as of last night…all that was largely done. We did it. We got ready. We’re ready. Holy crap!

As I just typed that, I realized we never got to that point when I was pregnant the first time, because at 38 weeks we moved into this house. In the three weeks before I was induced we were scrambling to get boxes unpacked just so we’d know where the pots and pans and underwear were – forget any kind of nesting or decorating. So that makes sense now that I actually feel ready. I’m thankful for the feeling…even though it can’t ever be ready-ready.

So now, we wait. Come on out, little miss. There’s a layer of snow on the ground and it’s beautiful, just for you.