Brian is in the kitchen and I am watching TV.
It’s evening, and Brian is making his lunch for the next day. To do this, he’s gotta toast bread because we freeze our bread because we’re only two people and we can’t eat that much bread before it molds. This is important, people.
Me: …Is something burning?
Brian: No….my genitals.
Brian: My genitals are burning for you.
I look at him, unamused.
Brian: Because I have chlamydia. Chlamydia can do that, right?
I roll my eyes.
Brian: …or crabs?
Me: Crabs don’t burn!
Brian: Well, I have chlamydia crabs. My love burns so bad that even my crabs have chlamydia!
He stands proudly.
Brian: And I’m willing to share that with you. For the rest of my life! Only 72 more days!
He then raises his arms, opening and closing his hands like crab claws, and moves his head from side to side, Egyptian style.
Is it too late for me to back out?
And don’t ask how I know crabs don’t burn.