Crabs Don’t Burn

Brian is in the kitchen and I am watching TV.

It’s evening, and Brian is making his lunch for the next day.  To do this, he’s gotta toast bread because we freeze our bread because we’re only two people and we can’t eat that much bread before it molds.  This is important, people.

Me: …Is something burning?

Brian: No….my genitals.

Me: …what?!

Brian:  My genitals are burning for you.

I look at him, unamused.

Brian:  Because I have chlamydia.  Chlamydia can do that, right?

I roll my eyes.

Brian:  …or crabs?

Me:  Crabs don’t burn!

Brian:  Well, I have chlamydia crabs.  My love burns so bad that even my crabs have chlamydia!

He stands proudly.

Brian:  And I’m willing to share that with you.  For the rest of my life!  Only 72 more days!

He then raises his arms, opening and closing his hands like crab claws, and moves his head from side to side, Egyptian style.


Is it too late for me to back out?

And don’t ask how I know crabs don’t burn.

30 responses

  1. If he did have all those diseases, chances are he probably already gave them to you. You should marry him because now you share the same disgusting genitals, and that is pretty much love.

  2. OMG! Hilarious!!!! He’s a keeper!

    BTW, we don’t eat much bread at our house and we freeze it too. However, if we need bread for sandwiches, I put the slices in the microwave, at defrost, for 30 seconds.

  3. I haven’t read you in a few weeks. From the title, I thought things had taken a turn for the worse. Hang in there. It’s always darkest. It gets better. (No, it doesn’t.)

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