Hello my wedding-enthused Psychos!
Remember back when I announced my online engagement to Shirtless Ryan Gosling and invited everyone to take part in our online wedding festivities?!
Neither do I.
Now that I have sobered up, keep your glassy, dilated-in-the-presence-of-true-love eyeballs peeled for the big reveal of which esteemed bloggers earned coveted roles in the online wedding to end all online weddings….coming tomorrow!
But first, here’s a word (or 698) from my online Matron of Honor, Emily from The Waiting.
Dearly Beloved and Psychos,
We are gathered here today to get through this little thing called life.
Wait. I am not Prince. Dammit. I am always thinking that I am Prince. I blame it on the raspberry beret I found at a second hand store. And the pills.
I was honored when Lyssa invited me to be her online matron of honor, and by “invited” I mean patted me on my head as I strong-armed my way into her wedding and insisted I AM THE MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL THE PEOPLE. I knew immediately that she was a real friend because she humored me in my ill attempts to make her wedding all about me. Me me me me MEEEEE.
But today, I suppose I have to actually do something for her as she prepares for her walk down the aisle. Come with me as I take a trip to Target – AKA the Mothership – to buy all the very necessary items both a bride and a matron of honor need to make it through the big day.
1. Boxed Wine
Because we are classy gals who live it up in the classiest ways available, I will be bypassing Milwaukee’s Finest and purchasing the choicest box of Chardonnay available for Lyssa. We’ll shoot it back with Dixie Cups right before the ceremony. What is a wedding without inebriation? That was not a rhetorical question. Put your best punchline in the comments.
2. A Sewing Kit
Here in Irony World, we spend three month’s salaries on a dress we will only wear once. Said dress was fashioned out of tissue paper and that gauzey spiderweb netting you see around Halloween at Dollar Tree. So I’ll be bringing along a little sewing kit to remedy any snafus that may occur prior to the ceremony. My girl Lyssa needs to look good. She will not walk down the aisle to an awaiting Shirtless Ryan Gosling with a missing sleeve.
Murphy’s Law is the prevailing law of wedding days. On my own wedding night, I sliced my toe open on a broken bottle of champagne and had to phone my own maid of honor to deliver us a giant box of bandages and Neosporin. I think the word you’re looking for is “sexy.” Screw something borrowed; I’ll be setting Mrs. Shirtless Gosling up with a fully-stocked first aid kit to remedy any paper cuts she may incur from rogue wedding invitations.
I am anticipating a lot of jilted ex-lovers of Shirtless Ryan Gosling showing up on the day of the wedding. Therefore, I will be arming myself with a giant can of mace to show them who’s boss. Lyssa will likely already have a katana sword with her on the big day, because, y’know, LYSSA. Mace will also come in handy in case the chicken being served at the reception is a bit underseasoned. Two years in fine dining taught me how to spruce up an entree in a pinch. Lyssa is so lucky to have me.
5. Beef Jerky
The one thing they don’t tell you before you get married is that it’s really hard to get food in your facehole on the big day. You are too busy posing for pictures, gettin’ your hair did, and pretending to care about makeup to actually eat something. So by the time the day is over and it’s time to get your groove on with your hubs (AND celebrate the fact that you can now use the term “hubs” to refer to him because we all know what a winner that term of endearment is, amiright?), your blood sugar levels have dipped so low that you barely have enough energy to extrapolate yourself out of your dress, much less make sexy time. So what better way to ensure that Lyssa will have the energy to make a man out of SRG than to fill her up with dehydrated meat throughout the day? That’s as filthy as it sounds.
May Lyssa and Shirtless Ryan Gosling have a wonderful day and lifetime filled with love and shirtlessness.
Forever and ever, Amen.
nice one. loving the ryan pic…
“What is a wedding without inebriation?”
Good thing I am a recovering Catholic…
I’m in remission.
I need to introduce you to some of my Catholic friends. Their weddings were pretty much all lush fests. ;D
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Band-Aids and boxed wine. What more could a girl ask for?!
Not much more.
Except maybe some six pack abs covered in butter.
Nothing! Absolutely nothing! If you have those two things, you’re set for life.
Can not wait! I considered submitting my Baruch Atah Adonai’s for the Rabbinical portion, but the pressure was too much. I’m excited to see what all you hipsters will pull off! I’ll be throwing jelly beans, wearing a blue beret (to not compete with Emily) and I’m bringing along some dental floss… because while very clever, and “always thinking,” I’m not sure Emily has considered that the beef jerky will certainly leave big brown wads in your teeth… and shirtless Ryan will not like that. Just sayin’. ohhh, so excited!
Thanks for the floss!
mint or plain? waxed or regular? There are so many to choose from!
Bikini or teeth? (couldn’t resist)
That was not considered, it’s true. I’ll be sure to bring some dental floss along too.
I just can’t stop giggling about “brown wads”
It makes me think of my grandfather’s chaw. :P
I want to be someone’s matron of honor now, solely so I can being a speech with the intro from “Let’s Go Crazy.”
And I will read it over first so I don’t mistake typing “being” for “begin.”
sounds like you got a jumpstart on getting crazy.
I wanted to include a link to the song, but our buddy Prince has blocked the sound on all his videos on YouTube. If he weren’t Prince I’d be pissed.
Target? Did somebody say Target? I love that place almost as much as I love a shirtless Ryan Gosling. Okay, maybe even more.
Wow, I didn’t know Target sold vibrators and warm, sixpack abs!
They probably go by different names, but if you look closely enough, I’m sure you’ll find them there…
If we ever find ourselves within the same zipcode, Carrie, I will treat you to a Targetty cup of Starbucks in the foyer.
Emily, did you seriously slice your toe open on your wedding night? That is hysterical! You know, minus the whole part where it probably really freaking hurt. Why were there broken champagne bottles around anyway? Sounds kinky.
I second this question, although I was too polite to ask earlier. Details! Sexy sex escapades and details!
I’m saving that post for when I have severe writer’s block. It will basically write itself ;D
My curiosity prays that writers block springs up in the near future.
Yes, I did just “like” this post, but just to clarify, I am liking the part that you wrote. Way to rock an intro, Lys. ;D
Aw, thanks. I forced myself to after hours of hot gluing my fingers to lace in prep for the real wedding…
I am so coveting my role. COVETING! Emily’s survival kit is perfect. Mace on bland wedding food. Who’d have thought?
She’s crafty, that one.
I am always thinking ;D