An unbearable feeling

Ok.  So this whole Boston thing has been weighing on me this week and I feel so pent up today that I just need to word vomit and vent…

So I imagine this post will be really raw, unorganized, and frenzied….kinda like how I feel.

I’ve felt particularly numb ever since Monday when I saw my Boston friends on Facebook start posting about bombs instead of about running and celebration.  For a bit, I honestly didn’t understand why I felt this way…but I think it just had to settle in.

This is the first time for me that a tragedy of this magnitude has felt so close to home.  Sure, I live in Northern California now, and I was born and raised here.  But I lived for 2 years, from 2006-2008, in Brighton, Mass while I earned my Master’s degree at Boston College.  I lived on Comm Ave., a few blocks away from BC and directly on the marathon route, just after Heartbreak Hill.  Right now, all those areas are locked down.

I was a spectator at the marathon, cheering on the runners, in awe that humans actually put themselves through such peril so they can say they’ve accomplished something awesome.

That place on Boylston where the bombs went off?  I’ve been there, I’ve walked that street before, where blood now stains the pavement.  It’s really hard for me to wrap my mind around this.

I have a lot of former classmates still living in the area, several of which who were at the marathon that day.  One of my bridesmaids doesn’t live very far away.  My dad went to MIT, where an officer was killed last night.  My parents first lived together as a married couple in Cambridge, which is now shut down.  I have an aunt, uncle, and cousins living in Cambridge right now.  My aunt and uncle are journalists and my aunt still went to work today to cover the story.

I spent time processing all that is going on with a client this morning who also has ties to the area, when I can barely process this myself.

I am worried.  I am so sad.  I am also so angry.  My client this morning made a comment that the tragedy isn’t about her or me personally, so why would we make it about us, about the fact that we feel close to Boston?  I see the point, but you know what?  This may not be about me, but it involves me.  It involves everyone.  I am involved because my loved ones shouldn’t have to lock themselves in.  They shouldn’t have to be afraid.  People should be able to be a part of a public gathering and be safe.

It pisses me off so much that these two young men (maybe more?), younger than myself, can wreak so much havoc and cause so much physical and emotional destruction.  That they took from us….took power?  A sense of safety?  Took life.  All of the above.

Shame on you.

I also hate feeling so paralyzed.  Because I feel such a personal connection to this crisis, I either want to help or I almost want to be a part of it, experiencing it along with the people I am worried about.  Because then, if I was there, at least my paralysis would feel justified.  Here, I was just able to take my Friday walk to go get lunch, and I almost felt guilty for doing so, because I know people in Boston can’t do that right now.

I can handle feeling mad, and even feeling deep sorrow.  But feeling helpless, powerless?

That’s such an unbearable feeling.

Eerie Images From An Empty Boston and Cambridge

UPDATE: a friend just sent me this piece, and it very much describes how I feel.

Advertisements

19 responses

  1. You’re right–it does involve all of us, because acts like this make us more fearful and cautious, even if we try not to let them keep us from doing the things we love. I’d be lying if I said I don’t think of the Aurora theater shootings every time I go to a late-night movie. I still go, but it’s always there in the back of my mind.

  2. All of us who have a connection to Boston feel the same way you are feeling–sick to our stomachs, sick in our hearts. This has been a rough week, as President Obama has said. Our thoughts and prayers are with the people in Boston, our friends and family there, our memories. Somehow we all will come through this.

  3. “I am worried. I am so sad. I am also so angry. My client this morning made a comment that the tragedy isn’t about her or me personally, so why would we make it about us, about the fact that we feel close to Boston? I see the point, but you know what? This may not be about me, but it involves me. It involves everyone.”

    This is exactly how I felt about Newtown. This is our society, our country. I love humanity, as shitty as it can be, and it hurts my soul when innocents are hurt arbitrarily. We are all in this big smoldering pot together and we owe it to each other to give a damn and hurt for each other.

  4. Handling trauma and crisis is so individual Lyssa. I grew up there; went to college in Cambride; lived in Watertown; my husband went to MIT and I was a “little sister” at his frat there (don’t ask); I’ve spent hundreds of hours, hundreds of days in these places. I have friends and family who are still there… and I agree with, and feel so many of the same things you have expressed here. I started writing a post this morning but felt stuck, unsure how to say what I’m experiencing. It sits 3/4 done in my drafts as I watch the live news coverage. Surreal. So f’ing surreal. I think you talk it out, we share, and we remind ourselves that there are still so many more good people than bad in the world… no matter how crazy the world looks, some days. Hugs. Hugs are good too.

Babble at me:

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s