Hello my Psychos!
As you all may or may not know…..*dramatic pause*…..I am getting married.
(And by know, I mean you’ve all vomited every time you’ve seen the words “wedding” or “love” or “matrimonial discharge” on my blog in the past 6 months. I’m sorry…that you all have such weak stomachs.)
At some point in this journey, Emily from The Waiting very bitchily declared herself my online bridesmaid, and I said she could gladly have the honor as long as I got the naming rights to her next child. I can’t wait to meet Sylvester P. Asskicker and give him/her ve’s first dangerous sharp object.
But Melissa, you’re thinking, What does the “p” stand for?
You ready for this jelly?
You’re welcome, little bundle of sex appeal that has yet to exist!
But I digress. Emily’s bitchiness, besides adding kindling to the fiery rage within my heart, also gave me a really awesome idea.
Why should the joy associated with my upcoming nuptials be limited to those savory characters I know in the fleshy realm? If Emily can be my online bridesmaid, then why not have a whole online bridal party…bachelorette party…online wedding ceremony complete with a hunky online husband-to-be?!
Why not INDEED.
First things first- I needs me someone to online marry! Now, let me be clear: while no one, and I mean no one, could replace the real-life manly cuteness that is my Brian Boyman…I still get to choose me an online fiance who ignites the burning in my loins and makes my ovary do flips. Without a second thought, the perfect man for this online job goes to……..
…Shirtless Ryan Gosling!
I know, we’re so excited! We can’t wait to start our online life together!
Now I’ve stopped gushing for the moment, this is where y’all come in, y’all. I need me some
imaginary people online bloggers to help me escape the hell of planning a wedding celebrate the most amazing time in my life!
Emily already butted into my bubble of joy, and for that, she’s getting promoted – Girl, you’re now officially my online Matron of Honor! Now I need all my Psychos (yes, you….and all the voices inside your head) to fight to the death to help me make this online wedding a non-reality!
Basically, we’re gonna have an online event (in the form of a blog post or posts) for every wedding event that takes place in the real world – bridal shower, bachelorette party, rehearsal dinner, the wedding itself – and everyone who earns a role will get to contribute.
Here’s how to become a part of the action:
1. State in a comment two things: who you’re nominating (yourself or someone else), and for which role from the below list.
2. The person who is nominated must draft a well thought out (or drunkenly typed) answer to the question or prompt posed that corresponds to your chosen role, and email it to me at firstname.lastname@example.org by March 31st 11:59pm PST
3. My matron of honor and I will judge the entries, and the winners will be posted at some date after March 31st when I decide to sober up.
4. Feel free to campaign for yourself via a post on your own blog. I’ll also accept bribes in the form of chocolate, human babies, and human babies covered in chocolate. When shipping, please overnight them. I hate spoiled babies.
5. Also feel free to “vote” for your fellow bloggers by responding to their comment declarations with a LIKE or a boob squeeze.
Without further ado….Lyssa’s Bridal Party:
…don’t see a role you like?? Make one up!!
You can also tell me, in lieu of the above prompts, how you plan to ensure the safety of Shirtless Ryan Gosling and me in the event of a zombie outbreak, should one develop during the course of merriment and festivity-making.
Mrs. Shirtless Ryan Gosling-to-be
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HYSTERICAL! Your shirtless husband to be has been discussed on my new blog (www.runningawayfrom49.wordpress.com) as well. This gem picture of Ryan is circulated between my friends and I more times than forty-somethings should admit to.
Eh, admit to it. It’s more fun!
You need this:http://www.etsy.com/listing/109604800/hey-girl-ooak-soft-sculpture-ryan which I read about here: http://www.thedoseofreality.com/2013/04/05/pinterest-nightmare-472-ryan-gosling-mini-bust/
Hilarious! I’ll put it on my registry.
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This is so fantastic that I don’t even know where to begin. I’m here to nominate Katie from Words for Worms as your Florist/Flower Girl. She needs this. She’s never been a flower girl! Isn’t that the saddest thing you’ve ever heard??
It IS the saddest thing ever.
But she’s made a good case for herself.
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I see you don’t have a baker… so I nominate myself as your official online-wedding-baker. Will and Kate cake ain’t got nothin’ on this shiz… because it’s cupcakes frosted in dreams, wishes, and baby tears. Too much? Fine, chocolate is good too.
oooh….baby tears are delicious.
And you share my name so that’s a plus.
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I dislike being in weddings so I would like to get drunk on my favorite drink crown and attend this wedding. I will be sitting in the back wearing black and throwing popcorn.
Only if I can catch some popcorn in my mouth.
Done, oh and it will be rainbow colored popcorn.
[insert sad emoticon]
MAKE YOUR OWN!!!
I said you could make your own!
No offense to Jen Tonic, but when I wrote this, I pictured you in the part of the officiant……
…..maybe the officiant needs a, evil clown side kick?
I’ll step down as the officiant if you would like *cough* bridezilla *cough*
Whoa, whoa hey now…..Did I say that?
No, no I didn’t.
Let’s have some healthy competition!
*Throws mic on the ground* You guys just can’t handle my phat beats
I love your phat beats!
I would like to be the fashionista dictator and painter of the bride. Seeing how the man to be is shirtless, the bride will also be shirtless. Please don’t get all upset or offended as the bride to be will sport body paint!!! Some lovely lines on the lovely lines with an artistic flair thanks to ME! . hmmmm????
I’m open to fine art…
I want to cosplay and be the sexy maid in uniform at the wedding reception.
Are you going to bus the tables??
Love the idea but I wanted to marry Ryan Gosling! Is there another non-shirtless option available, and also so that I can still stay married to my husband?
Also, I would make an awesome therapist, but I fear I’d lead to your divorce so I can get my paws on Ryan. So perhaps I’d be better as a drunk ex-girlfriend-turned-co-worker who would use the mike-plus-knife opportunity to keep everyone hostage until they hear her drunken story? Hmmm….
ps. Came here via Emily ;) Can I stay?
….so you’re throwing your hat in the ring for a drunken ex-GF (of Ryan’s?) turned co-worker (of me?)…..cuz I like this drama.
I am throwing all of that in. And I can make a scene if I need to. However I’m flexible as to whose ex-gf and current co-worker I am. Your choice ;)
Ha. I’ll be looking forward to your email :)
Okay. Leaving it to my creative powers or wanna come up with some specific scenario for me to answer? ;)
Your creative powers! Let them run free!
I want to be the rapping granny that entertains at the reception party.
I love the cross-gender casting!
You will be paid in meatballs. That OK?
Not those Swedish ones, though. As an elderly person, I am slightly racist and the Swedes are scum.
Hold out your hands.
I’d like the role of narrator (or soundman) for the crew fiming this as an episode of the reality show “Don’t you wish you were having this much fun???”
I like how you think outside the box.
This is exactly how we’re going to get tears out of Kim Kardashian – she doesn’t have a freaking narrator!
Hot damn! Are you doing this on-line wedding because that’s the way you REALLY want your real life wedding to be? I thought as much. I won’t even ask what your husband-to-be thinks about this party. It couldn’t be more fun if you consummated the ritual on national TV while bungee jumping down low over a very live volcano. I’d love to see it but I’ll be out of town on the day of your nuptials. Hope you have a blast! Oh, and by the way, congratulations Lyssa and Shirtless Ryan!
Actually, this is a great compromise for us, because after all this planning in the real world, we’re having to restrain ourselves from eloping. I guess I’m eloping into the interwebs…..and Brian’s not intimidated by SRG because he knows I get hives from licking self-tanner for too long.
LOL! You’re welcome.
I’d like to be the B-List friend who you didn’t want to invite, but also didn’t want to offend, and you figured I “wouldn’t show up anyway.” And so I get placed at the oddball table in the back corner.
Ooh, well played. I can’t wait to hear how you’ll do when the zombies show up.
I have mixed feelings about this union. The majority of me wants to say “CONGRATS” you two are super gorgeous together and I hope you have lots of good looking sexy times. Then there’s this little voice, let’s call her Sara Jr., who is plotting a way to lure Shirtless RG away with promises of indie music stardom and a new shirt.
But I’ll woman up and do the right thing.
I nominate myself as photographer. Not that it will take any particular genius to make y’all look good, but at least I can stare at your nuptial glory and get paid for it.
I have mixed feelings about your comment.
First, like hell anyone’s gonna put a shirt on that photoshopped goodness. Over my dead ovary.
Second, it may take a genius to get me looking mildly human next to SRG, and you just might be the right person for the job.
This is going to be the most amazing wedding ever. Kim Kardashian will weep.
Will she ever!
Reblogged this on The Waiting and commented:
Lyssa’s getting married and I have stepped in (and by “stepped in” I mean strong-armed my awesomeness) to be her online matron of honor. But I’m not the only person who wants to liquor her up on her big day. YOU come in too…..
Bring me the booze! And then a bucket!
I’m nominating myself for the dual role of florist AND flower girl. I never did get to be a flower girl, and I’m fucking ADORABLE.
You’re a fucking adorable one-woman show!
She has always wanted to be a flower girl. I boob grab this and raise it with a friendly ass slap.
Oh dude, I am so all over this like a fat kid on a smartie.
Or should I say …
I am so all over this like the bridesmaid who takes a cell phone picture of drunk cousin/uncle/baby dancing on the bar, turns it into a GIF, and charms the DJ into borrowing his equipment so that the thing can run in a continuous loop projected on the wall behind your least favourite aunt when she’s making her toast.
Wow, you really are all over this! Call me impressed.
Hooray! You’ll definitely be getting an entry from me vying for a coveted bridesmaid position, in case you couldn’t tell ;-)
Excellent. Go nuts!
When I saw the list, I was definitely thinking “I’m the officiant” and then I saw Jen & Tonic’s comment and I knew I could never compete against her because she would crush me like a stampede of bridesmaids rushing for the bouquet. So I’m thinking wedding planner.
Don’t worry, Hugo will help me.
Can I vote by patting bums? I bum pat this.
Bum pats are allowed…as long as I get some, too.
Hugo would make such a fabulous consultant and addition to your wedding miracles.
Lol….good idea x
You should totally get in on this…everyone loves a wedding!
I’m thinking the girl who really wants the bouquet… That’ll be me. :P
Shit girl, IT’S ON. I am a bouquet toss MANIAC. There are pictures. Somewhere.
Aw, shit, you’re gonna have to duke it out with Sweatyshirt. Email me pictures of your greatness!
I need to give Chrissy a boob grab on this one. At my wedding I intentionally threw my bouquet directly to her avoid the inevitable brawl. She’s a maniac… maniac… on the floor.
Wow. This is gonna be intense.
It’ll be an epic toss. *Hope it’s not roses! :P
It’s not about what catching the bouquet means…It’s about taking out the competition. I’m hunting for the picture I really want. Petition post is in the works. Oh yes. This shit is ON.
I’m getting excited in a non-sexual way.
I would like to nominate myself as the officiant. I would write fat rhymes for the wedding:
We’ve gathered her today to celebrate this crazy couple,
While they’re still in love, and photograph well because their bodies are supple.
She wants nothing more than to be his spouse,
Especially after she learned he owned a country house.
For better or worse, he wants to be her mate,
Or until her friend takes him up on the offer for a date.
It’s time to get this show on the road,
So they can finally hump as man and wife in their humble abode.
I beat-boxed to this!
Double boob grab.
^^^ That’s another vote for me
I think a double boob grab counts as two…