It’s been so long since my last post, that I really feel like I just need to post something for the sake of posting. I’ve started to compose posts in my head only to have them fade from memory after a few hours.
The truth is, I haven’t been feeling the best. I’ve been moody, I’ve had less energy than usual, I’ve been stressed. I’ve had some extra responsibilities at work that I don’t normally have. January was a very busy month in terms of wedding planning – a lot of appointments, some of which were fun, but they all take time away from normal routine and activities. And…I am turning 30 this Sunday and then on Monday is my 10 year cancer-free anniversary.
I should feel happy, right? I have tons to feel happy about. I have a job that I like. I am planning a wedding. I have my health. But I really just want to get in bed and pull the covers over my head.
The worst part for me, as a therapist, is that I don’t fully understand these mood swings. I am a person who needs to know why, and I’ll ruminate until I figure it out or go crazy, whichever comes first (usually the latter).
But I totally get that I can sit in front of a client and understand what’s going on with ve. It’s a hell of a lot harder to see with the same perspective into one’s self.
And maybe I don’t really need to know why, even though I have some good ideas.
I’m getting married, which means I am looking forward to starting a family. After getting rid of the cancer issue, the lingering unknown was my fertility status. I don’t have the luxury of getting to assume I’ll be able to have kids when the time comes. Of course I don’t want to freak out until I have to, but the possibility of infertility saddens me probably more than anything in my entire life.
Needless to say, I feel extremely fragile and vulnerable right now and I am trying not to let my rapidly shifting emotions get in the way of me celebrating my birthday (which I hate is so close to Valentine’s Day, btw…impossible to get dinner reservations for an event that is far more important than a naked baby playing with sharp objects).
And now I’m off in search of some donuts.
Thanks for listening, bloggyworld.