Dear Le Clown,
I think I would make a most excellent ACOF Club Member
attention whore Wrangler in that I don’t suck and I work hard. When I’m not slacking off. Or sucking.
I’m already pretty damn good at witnessing how everyday is fucking magical. Hell, I am a therapist, and I create the fucking magic. It spews out of my cranial meatuses (meati?) like rainbow farts spew out of baby unicorns’ buttholes since they can’t yet control the flow at such a tender young age. I am also very organized, and I am good at spelling when I don’t completely ignore spellcheck. I am also witty and polite when I am not drunk. Now is not one of those times, so fuck you.
Even though I am already the maker of magical thoughts that will blow your mind like the honeybadger blows out his birthday candles, I’d like you, Le Clown, The Master, to teach me your ways. Please. I will be as obedient and dedicated and flawlessly gorgeous as Uma Thurman playing The Bride, and I totally picture you as Pai Mei, because, come on, that’s just awesome.
I am willing to bloody my knuckles if it means being able to one day single-handedly hack my way out of a wooden coffin after being buried alive by my insane babydaddy’s younger brother. And by ‘bloody my knuckles,’ I mean do hard work being the Club Member Wrangler. And hacking my way out refers to grand success in the form of magnificence (tee em). And I really hope I don’t have some crazy secret babydaddy out there. I think this particular metaphor went amiss, so let’s move on, shall we?
Metaphors and blood stains aside, I am also quite literally The Bride, as I am planning a wedding and getting married in July. Allow me to explain how this works to your advantage (because it does – trust me). Not only am I baby-crazy female without a rock on my finger, but now my hormones have instinctively revved up and this Bridezilla is so batshit
crazy driven that no one is going to get in her way of talking about herself in the third person.
For serious, if you want me to get you new readers who are only creepy bald man puppets – consider it done. Slaughter the Crazy 88s? On my lunch break. Paint your toenails a different shade of green than they normally are? With pleasure (and glitter).
In closing, thank you for considering me for the very prestigious position of ACOF Club Member Wrangler. I feel that I would be an excellent addition to your carnie staff.
Attached are my references and the severed head of your worst enemy. Please know that he died slowly and with much pain.
Lyssa aka The Bride
PS – I’d like full vision and dental. And 3 weeks paid vacation. Per month.
PPS – Tell Subcomandante I said hi. The severed head of her worst enemy is in the mail.