Baby It’s Cold Outside

I hope everyone’s holiday season is shaping up to be better than mine, which shouldn’t be too hard since I spent mine battling food poisoning and watching the entire Lord of the Rings Trilogy.  They really should have just taken those damn eagles all the way to Mount Doom, btw.

Speaking of Mount Doom, I like me some Christmas tunage around this time of year, and I’ve always liked Baby It’s Cold Outside, but I never really paid attention to the lyrics before now.  Previously, I assumed it was all cutesy how a man and a woman were singing about how cold it was outside and how happy they were to be all warm and snuggly by a fire.  But now – whoa man, this song is downright creepy and bordering on abusive!

Now that I’ve been forever robbed of the pleasure that comes from listening to this song, I figured the only last resort was to rewrite the lyrics in a respectful and gentlemanly manner.

Feel free to sing it out loud (and if you’ve never heard this before, I urge you to listen to the original first):

(bold is the male part, regular is the female part)

I really can’t stay

Baby it’s cold outside

I gotta go away

Maybe you didn’t hear me – I said it’s pretty cold outside

My mother will start to worry

Crap, I don’t want that bitch angry with me

My father will be pacing the floor

I don’t want to hear his drunken roar

So really I better scurry

I don’t mean for you to hurry…but if you need to I totally understand

Well maybe just half a drink more

Seriously, you’re allowed to go when you want to as an independent adult woman

The neighbors might think

Oh, I care what you think since I’m also attracted to your strong intellect

Say…what’s in this drink?

Shit, let me pour that one out.  It had roofies in it and I would never do that to you.

I ought to say no, no, no sir

Well, you can at any moment and I will respect your wishes

I really can’t stay

Then let me call you a cab because you did have a sip of that roofied tonic

I simply must go

Baby it’s cold outside…so take another jacket and this pepper spray

Well maybe just a cigarette more

Oh, please don’t because those will kill you one day

I’ve got to get home

Absolutely, we can take a raincheck for this drunken sex we were about to have

You’ve really been grand

I’ll call you tomorrow because I am not afraid of commitment

I really can’t stay

I love you and now I’ll get pissed and watch porn by myself

(both sing) Because baby it’s cold outside!!

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15 responses

  1. I agree.. all the way to Mt. Doom. They could have at least carried the hobitses. Would have been a boring flick though.

    Is it bad that I had to google the original lyrics? Your re-write is so much funnier and defiantly less rapey!

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