I hope everyone’s holiday season is shaping up to be better than mine, which shouldn’t be too hard since I spent mine battling food poisoning and watching the entire Lord of the Rings Trilogy. They really should have just taken those damn eagles all the way to Mount Doom, btw.
Speaking of Mount Doom, I like me some Christmas tunage around this time of year, and I’ve always liked Baby It’s Cold Outside, but I never really paid attention to the lyrics before now. Previously, I assumed it was all cutesy how a man and a woman were singing about how cold it was outside and how happy they were to be all warm and snuggly by a fire. But now – whoa man, this song is downright creepy and bordering on abusive!
Now that I’ve been forever robbed of the pleasure that comes from listening to this song, I figured the only last resort was to rewrite the lyrics in a respectful and gentlemanly manner.
Feel free to sing it out loud (and if you’ve never heard this before, I urge you to listen to the original first):
(bold is the male part, regular is the female part)
I really can’t stay
Baby it’s cold outside
I gotta go away
Maybe you didn’t hear me – I said it’s pretty cold outside
My mother will start to worry
Crap, I don’t want that bitch angry with me
My father will be pacing the floor
I don’t want to hear his drunken roar
So really I better scurry
I don’t mean for you to hurry…but if you need to I totally understand
Well maybe just half a drink more
Seriously, you’re allowed to go when you want to as an independent adult woman
The neighbors might think
Oh, I care what you think since I’m also attracted to your strong intellect
Say…what’s in this drink?
Shit, let me pour that one out. It had roofies in it and I would never do that to you.
I ought to say no, no, no sir
Well, you can at any moment and I will respect your wishes
I really can’t stay
Then let me call you a cab because you did have a sip of that roofied tonic
I simply must go
Baby it’s cold outside…so take another jacket and this pepper spray
Well maybe just a cigarette more
Oh, please don’t because those will kill you one day
I’ve got to get home
Absolutely, we can take a raincheck for this drunken sex we were about to have
You’ve really been grand
I’ll call you tomorrow because I am not afraid of commitment
I really can’t stay
I love you and now I’ll get pissed and watch porn by myself
(both sing) Because baby it’s cold outside!!
Reblogged this on Psychobabble and commented:
I thought of this post because each and every time another famous man is fired for sexual misconduct, I am reminded just how disgustingly prevalent rape culture really is.
Reading this post back again, I’d change two things: such a gentleman would never even own roofies. And, in a world where men and women are truly equal, she wouldn’t need pepper spray. And he wouldn’t call her the b-word, either. So three things.
At any rate, Merry Christmas everyone, and a Happy New Year free of rape culture and rampant sexual harassment.
Sorry … singing aloud to self challenges my personal constitution … but thanks for the offer.
To each his own…I’m sorry that joy doesn’t agree with you.
LOL … crazy part is that enjoy music!
…is that you enjoy music?
Well, at least you don’t despise *all* joy. :)
Good translation of my missing word … yes, I like music … just don’t sing along aloud very often.
I agree.. all the way to Mt. Doom. They could have at least carried the hobitses. Would have been a boring flick though.
Is it bad that I had to google the original lyrics? Your re-write is so much funnier and defiantly less rapey!
It’s not bad that you had to google the lyrics…I wouldn’t wish for those lyrics to stick in anyone’s head.
Yes, the “say…what’s in this drink?” line from the original is horrifying. Your rewrite is way better and so less rapey.
Sounds like I hit the mark.
Epic and Awesome!
Why thank you.
There are so many creepy things associated with the holidays. We have a guy who watches you all the time and breaks into your house through the chimney. Why not a song about trying to ploy someone into bed with roofies? ;-)
People can break into my house, but only if they leave presents behind. Same with the roofie example.
LMAO! I love you. That is all.
Then I won’t put roofies in your drink.