I swear, you guys, I’m totally sober right now.
At least I think I am…I’ll let you know once the room stops spinning with joy…or is that nausea? Hard to tell sometimes.
Ok, so this is my official hangover-Freshly Pressed post, only there’s no wolfpack, it’s just me.
Thank you to the Freshly Pressed Gods and thanks to everyone who clicked and read and commented and followed.
Welcome new readers!! From time to time I’ll refer to y’all as Psychos or Babblers or Hey, You! Just know that I say it all with love. And cheese. Also know that I hope I won’t disappoint you for a good few months or so. No promises, really.
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I was warned before this all happened- that being Freshly Pressed was gonna be a whirlwind of comments that may be exciting and ego-boosting but also may or may not be annoying.
Allow me to describe my hero’s journey through the land that has been pressed ever-so-freshly, kinda like the Shire after the orcs are done trampling through.
Now I know how Johnny Cash felt.
Before being Freshly Pressed, it’s this innocent and hopeful time. I’m just focusing on the music, you guys, and I am doing this for the fans. You know, whatever flows, I just let it be what it was created to be. Sure, I’m just scraping by and hoping for the best, but I just wanna stay true to my craft.
And then came the email, like a record label hearing my jam for the first time and telling me that I had something. This is my big break! Am I good enough? Will my indie fans accuse me of selling out? Will I get hoards of screaming fans to rival those of The Biebs? Let’s just ride the wave and see where it takes me…
And then, it happens. The Big Break. The freaking Ed Sullivan Show. It feels sublime, like my first taste of black tar. I’ve been jonesing for this…..and I deserve this, but I’m still humbled by this…..and I knew the band was always gonna make it, you guys, and FUCKYEAH, let’s get shitfaced and trash a hotel room after I’m finished ear-humping you sweaty masses with my sonic genius!!!!!
The next day, the buzz is starting to wear off, so let’s invite some new groupies back in, slip me another jeffrey, and put on some Johnny Mathis (he always gets me pumped up). This ain’t over yet, babe!
Day 3. My eyes are bloodshot and I’m sleep deprived. What city are we in? Wait, I still have to do normal things like clean the toilet and make dinner? Fuck that, my new blogging friends fans will keep me full of validation and wrapped in comment notifications undying love and adoration. Keep on rockin in the free world!
Day 4. Starting to get the shakes. My cat can answer my dwindling fan mail while I am busy praying to the porcelain gods.
Day 5. Hello? Anyone there? Will someone please make the walls stop spinning?!
And now, after a few refreshing weeks at Betty Ford, I’m getting calls from Dancing with the Stars.
When you’re at rock bottom, there’s nowhere to go but up.
Psychobabble 
I welcome the post-Freshly Pressed crash. Would love to get Freshly Pressed at least once. This is a witty take on the stat-obsession that plagues every wordpress user.
I do love me some stat obsession.
Sounds like a new perfume.
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Pretty much exactly how I felt PFP. What you don’t know… yet… is the anxiety that begins to grow, a few months out, when you realize you want it to happen again. You research and see that others have been FP’ed 2-3x, why not you? What can you do to draw their Godly attention? You dismiss it and try not to grovel or seek their repeat approval… but it’s always there. Lurking. Ok, maybe I need a refresher stay at Betty’s.
Oh yes, I can already feel my fame-whore senses tingling….
I have been baring my breasts for months… and barely getting noticed. They are old breasts. I probably should tried something else.
Blogging about poop always helps.
I am about to post. Your humor has helped today. Thanks. Funny, funny girl… when I get my mojo back, I’ll join you in the fun and games.
In a few months you’ll start jonesing again. All you’ll want is a taste of the stuff. And knowing you, you’ll get it. And then it starts all over again. You’re basically Lindsey Lohan except with talent.
Best compliment of the year.
I really want her red hair.
I prefer to be called a Psycho, but you probably already knew that. I agree that being FP’d is a bit like a roller coaster ride. No, it’s like doing drugs. You have this crazy high, and then you come crashing down.
Speaking of, do you have any methadone?
Hey, you get your own methadone, Psycho.
Brilliant! Encore! (wait, maybe not!) I like this piece, it validated my continue strife for mediocrity. :) congrats, by the way…
Encore of the Freshly Pressed! Maybe not so much of the really bad hangover…
and thanks!
I’ve never been Freshly Pressed, but I have heard that once the starch wears off it’s same old, same old. I’m not familiar with you and your M&Ms, but I personally would gladly be paid in chocolate for my blogging! Currently I get paid in poop smears and air. It’s not even fresh air.
mmmm, starch.
At least you need air to live. Gotta fling the poop right back from whence it came.
This is me after participating in blogger prompt swaps and blog hops and other “fun for a day” blogging activities. Your blog is awesome though so just wait and breath and eat m&m’s. It’s a bad time of year with the holidays breathing down are necks.
Thanks! I plan to blog as much as I can through the holidays, even though it’ll just make me fatter after all those M&Ms.
What you’ll notice though is that you now will blog for MORE M&Ms than you were before. In the internet marketing world, being freshly pressed means that your baseline went up – maybe even only by 2-3, but still. It went up. :)
I had similar stats and highs/ lows when I was retweeted by Neil Gaiman a few months ago. I’m still trying for a consistent 10 PVs per day….
I could always use more M&Ms…om nom nom!
I’m still so behind on my stalking that I honestly had no idea that you were freshly pressed! That’s amazeballs! Congrats on that! Eventually, I’ll make it to that post and be all like: “whoa” and stuff.
I kind of know how you feel. I’ve never been FP, but I clicked on The Bloggess’ page one day and left a comment after she had just posted something. I had 128 views that day, and consequently shit a pile of bricks, which I sold to some pig who said he was building a bridge for the goats or something. On an average post I get 28 when people have to refresh their browsers…
Here’s what was FPed: https://psychobabblepants.wordpress.com/2012/11/28/dress-me-in-lace-and-awkwardness/
Prepare to be whoa-ed.
The Bloggess is awesome, btw. Pretty much the reason I started blogging.
You were blogging for M&Ms too? Please tell me they kept giving you those off brand M&Ms like they were giving me.
Yeah, they weren’t the real deal….but I ate them anyway.
Can you tell Becca 3416 I want to have her babies.
Becca, Doug wants to have your babies. I sincerely hope that’s physically possible if you’re both into that.
Maybe I should charge a fee and open up a dating service.
Thank you. I haven’t worked out the logistics but they are doing some real innovative things in procreative sciences these days.
If I am barren we could just practice.
I’m still here! And hey, we don’t know each other, so that makes me a real fan! Huzzah!
I feel you, though. Every time I write a post about autism, it gets shared all over the universe and I watch my blog views spike up, up, up. And then the next day I write about zombies and people are all, “Who the hell is this chick? I thought she was an autism blogger!” and the views go down, down, down.
Write about autistic zombies. Cha-Ching!
If we could just settle out at snot bubble and ride the wave.
Alas the gods conspire against us.
Indeed, they do. I’ll just have to keep making those snot rockets and have faith…
That is fantastic! Not you being so low you hit Betty Ford status, oh no. That’s tragic. The fantastic-ness I speak of is your writing. My sides ache from laughing!
Does it make me a blogging snob if I’ll only blog for M&M’s if they’re the peanut kind??
I think everyone has to have their standards. Peanut M&Ms for you!
“Aw, fucknuts.” Priceless.
Me = pure class.
I came for the Freshly Pressed, I stayed for the snot bubbles.
Yessss!
I liked you when you were blogging for M&Ms. Coincidentally, I just purchased a large bag of them. Interested?
Do bears shit in the woods?!
It is pleasant but SO not normal. I hear ya!
Very nice to hear that my feelings are shared!
Haha! shucks. I’ve just started at the bottom so good to know there is an ‘up’ (maybe). Belated congrats on FP.
Everyone starts at the bottom! Good luck to you!
Been there. So TOTALLY been there. Congrats on the well deserved FP. Plus I completely laughed out loud at “fucknuts.”
So there’s that, at least. :)
Thank you! And I am so glad to hear about the lolz.
My favorite part: “aw, fucknuts.”
I’m still here, friend. Then again – that’s not saying much… I haven’t even made ‘Freshly Pressed yet.’ In the meantime, here’s to Betty Ford. Cheers!! =]
Thanks! I’ll second your cheers to Betty Ford- with some sparkly apple juice.