How to succeed in pissing me off without really trying

You know what gets my panties all in a bunch?

Of course you wouldn’t know, because it’s none of your friggin business, but I’ll tell you anyway.   It’s when people who are not my most closest friends and family (read: everyone in the world minus about 7) ask me questions that are so incredibly, mind-numbingly personal and private like they are asking me what my favorite Justin Beiber song is, or which Kardashian is my favorite. (Answer: all of them.)

So, if you enjoy pissing people off and haven’t had the opportunity to piss off yours truly yet, read on, cuz this is your Christmas morning come early:

1. Ask me when, not if, I am getting married, even if you don’t know me very well, or just met me a few nanoseconds ago.  This question should just fly out of your mouth once you see that I am an amazingly attractive late 20-something female with a glaringly bare left ring finger.  Remember, making assumptions is crucial; you’re the one who has all the answers and also the right to tell people what to do.

2. When I hesitate to answer, please assume this means that I never want to get married, that I hate the institution of marriage, and that I will end up dying alone covered in cats.  Quick, someone please get me some more cats.  Then stare at me weirdly and stammer something about leaving the stove on.  Next, run away.

3. If those don’t work, please, please judge me based on how long I have been with my partner because that timeline is somehow too long to be with someone without being married yet. (First, you’ll have to run back in my general direction, since I told you to run away in step 2.  I know, I didn’t think this through.  I hope you’re physically fit.)  ‘Too long according to who?’ I say.  ‘Too long according to, well, me,’  You say.  Oh, I’ve somehow violated your expectations of how I should behave and live my life?  Wow.  Hang on, I’ll apologize to you as soon as I am finished setting my bra on fire.

4. Now, go on to make the assumption that I plan to have kids (because if I wasn’t planning on having kids, it’d be pretty obvious, since my uterus would promptly shrivel up and eat a hole through my body so that it may crawl out and find a proper place to die in peace, leaving a gaping hole in my abdomen…ruining swimsuit season for me forever.  oh, and I’d probably grow horns, too).  Then ask how many and when each of them will be done baking.  Again, please ask as soon as possible.  Just met me? Not soon enough.  Why haven’t you asked me already?

5. Lastly, make sure that when you bring up the above casual conversation starters that we are in an extremely public place.  Crowded movie theater?  Not crowded enough.   Immediately after saying grace at the Thanksgiving dinner table the year we invite neighbors, in-laws, and the local grocery store employees?  That sounds about right.  And make sure you speak up when you ask.  Not only do I need to hear you, but so does everyone around me within a 500 foot radius.  Hell, ask perfect strangers to weigh in with their opinions, too.  You know.  For good measure.

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14 responses

  1. Eh, my girl and I were together for 10 years before we started talking seriously about marriage.
    Her perfect response to those questions was “When are you dying? Oh, I’m sorry – was that too forward? Didn’t realize there was that rule in this conversation.”
    hehehe – I love my girl!

  2. Well… First, I totally agree with The Waiting. I was asked, when pregnant with number 3, if I would just stop having kids already or if I was planning on becoming a Duggar. Ok, granted, not in these exact same words, but almost. Just nod and say, we’ll see! :o) That’s what I did and that kinda made them want to change the subject! Hehe! Anyways, don’t waste your time on these idiots and don’t get your panties in a twist! Write about it like you did instead and make me smile! ;o) Love ya! xxx

  3. Ok well this was hilarious. And I stumbled on your blog from blogess. And even though I have been married (as in past tense lol so you dodged that bullet!!) and I have baked numerous children (4 to be exact) I still totally relate. For some odd reason, people often ask me “Are all your kids from the same dad?” frequently and in public places just like you said!! And so loudly that everyone within 500 feet gets to know the answer to. And the answer is always yes…yes they are all from the same dad…but what if they werent? Now what? Is there a part two to that question? And so what? Is that really your business? And is this a convo we need to have in front of all my kids? Some people ar strange!!!

    • Absolutely, some people are more than strange – they seem to lack basic common decency. And no – it ain’t a conversation you ever need to have, like, ever. I am working on shutting these people down. Thanks for stumbling across my blog!!

  4. LOL if you do get pregnant, wait until strangers ask you when you’re going to have more before the first one is even born. A woman’s marriage AND uterus are totally up for public discussion, donchaknow.

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