I’ve been with my partner a long time. I actually kinda like the guy.
Around the time we met and started being a thang, he looked like this:
Look at that. Cute, adorable, boy-next-door good looks and charm.
We’ve been through a lot together. Long distance while we were in undergrad, even longer distance when I studied abroad, we moved across the country together, moved back, and then there was that zombie attack we survived that one time.
We also put up with a lot of crap from the other. I hog the covers. I sleep diagonally. He is farty, burpy, and smelly. Are we even? Not even close.
Recently, Brian graduated with his master’s in mechanical engineering with a concentration in being a huge nerd. Shortly after graduating, Brian decided to have a late 20s life crisis. He started working out again, he decided to buy a gun, and he decided to let nature take its course and crap all over his face. Now he looks like this:
How do I interpret this sudden change in behavior? Does he need to get in touch with his manhood? His inner lumberjack? Or does he just want to chafe off several layers of my carefully exfoliated and moisturized facial skin? …all of the above?
More importantly, when will this phase end? *gasp* – It is just a phase, right?
I mean, Brian’s experimented with facial hair in the past. This one time, he grew a goatee for a few weeks, but that didn’t work out. Maybe the goatee cheated on him, I dunno.
And then, and then, there was the time he grew a soul patch. You know, the type that says I am way too laid back to care about what’s really important like income tax or having regular bowel movements. Its name was Chilly. Because it looked like a mini chinchilla right there below his lower lip. In the end, Chilly had to go, too.
But our relationship was able to survive Goaty and Chilly. They were candles in the wind, just summer flings. This newcomer, though, this face-creeper has worn out his welcome.
Brian says he doesn’t want to
shave it off say goodbye to Bearduardo until he gets the chance to go backpacking with it. That’s right, they want to go away together for a romantic long weekend. Sure, Bearduardo can keep you warm at night, but he requires so much maintenance. He’s so…needy. And not only that, but think about how I feel when I find evidence of your time together in my bathroom cup every other morning. That manwhore has to flaunt his existence by leaving trimming entrails in my fucking cup. Have you no shame?!
And you deserve better, you really do. He’s literally come between us, can’t you see?…I try to kiss you and too often I get jabbed by of dozens of tiny swords. They sting me with jealousy and spite.
Come back to me, Brian. Don’t listen to him – I can love you better, softer, gentler.
Well, all I can say is that there ain’t room for both of us in this love nest. It’s either Caterpillar Cheeks or me. I’ve been patient, I’ve understood the need to get this fling out of your system, to validate your manhood, etc., etc. Now it’s time to let Chuck Norris have his job back.
I’ll be waiting.