The Bachelor and Bachelorette are two shows that make up the putrid, pink-goo-filled meat in my steady diet of crap from the boob tube.
I have a wonderfully unbalanced relationship with these shows: I yell at the contestants exactly how I can’t and don’t want to yell at work or at family, and they can’t yell back. Or rip out my hair. Or talk about me behind my back to the cameras. Or rip out my hair.
In my careful scrutiny of these shows, I have made some very important observations. First, these are some pretty spoiled bitches. The hardest part for me is watching these squawking chickens get to travel to amazing places while I’m still sitting on my ass in my living room, covered in sticky cheesyblaster residue. Second, unlike said bitches, I have trouble forcing myself to be attracted to this season’s bachelor, who I’ve decided is a poor woman’s version of Josh Groban (Look him up. This Ben guy either needs to wash and cut his hair or learn to sing like an angel sent from heaven to even begin to compare.). Third, they sure do repeat a lot of the same mindless phrases on these shows. In fact, it’s almost like they are acting out some type of script…fulfilling some bimbo destiny set out for them in the bachelor world of fakey fake fakeness.
Now, following all this fakeness can get really tricky. Especially if you watch it with a
glass bottle of wine after a long day of listening to other people’s problems. But never fear, I am here to demystify all the cray-cray language for you. Read on.
“Looking for love”
Apparently people go on The Bachelor to find love in a similar way people might embark on a mission to find their missing car keys. I want to find love, for I have misplaced it! Could it be between the couch cushions, by chance?
“Here for the right reasons”
The reasons implied here refer to the first quote of looking for love. If you do anything except a good job pretending to look for love on this show, then you’ll get called out by fellow contestants. Cat fight ensues. Might I suggest widening this rather narrow definition of right reasons for going on national television to speed date, makeout on camera, and reveal all your personal dating history that no one gives a shit about? How about – 1. get to see the world on ABC’s dime, 2. stay in posh digs, and 3. all the booze you can drink (as there is rarely a scene on this show without it). Hells yeah. Bring on that cat fight. Remind me to pack the brass knuckles.
The Bachelor is constantly asking the ladies to ‘open up’ and tell every detail of their lives and to be vulnerable about it. I imagine that about once a week the contestants get pulled into a room with the producers and hear the following: spill your guts, and quickly! You’re not doing it fast enough! Not gutsy enough! Must have better ratings, juicier details! Cry me a river, damnit! My advice: handle with care. I’m not sure these desperate, attention-seeking ladies can turn off the crazy once the flood gates have been opened. Whoosh.
“Will you accept this rose?”
Only if you’ll accept my methamphetamine addiction.