Common Terms from ‘The Bachelor’ Explained

The Bachelor and Bachelorette are two shows that make up the putrid, pink-goo-filled meat in my steady diet of crap from the boob tube.

I have a wonderfully unbalanced relationship with these shows: I yell at the contestants exactly how I can’t and don’t want to yell at work or at family, and they can’t yell back. Or rip out my hair. Or talk about me behind my back to the cameras. Or rip out my hair.

In my careful scrutiny of these shows, I have made some very important observations.  First, these are some pretty spoiled bitches.  The hardest part for me is watching these squawking chickens get to travel to amazing places while I’m still sitting on my ass in my living room, covered in sticky cheesyblaster residue.  Second, unlike said bitches, I have trouble forcing myself to be attracted to this season’s bachelor, who I’ve decided is a poor woman’s version of Josh Groban (Look him up.  This Ben guy either needs to wash and cut his hair or learn to sing like an angel sent from heaven to even begin to compare.).  Third, they sure do repeat a lot of the same mindless phrases on these shows. In fact, it’s almost like they are acting out some type of script…fulfilling some bimbo destiny set out for them in the bachelor world of fakey fake fakeness.

Now, following all this fakeness can get really tricky. Especially if you watch it with a glass bottle of wine after a long day of listening to other people’s problems. But never fear, I am here to demystify all the cray-cray language for you.  Read on.

“Looking for love”

Apparently people go on The Bachelor to find love in a similar way people might embark on a mission to find their missing car keys.  I want to find love, for I have misplaced it!  Could it be between the couch cushions, by chance?

“Here for the right reasons”

The reasons implied here refer to the first quote of looking for love.  If you do anything except a good job pretending to look for love on this show, then you’ll get called out by fellow contestants.  Cat fight ensues.  Might I suggest widening this rather narrow definition of right reasons for going on national television to speed date, makeout on camera, and reveal all your personal dating history that no one gives a shit about? How about – 1. get to see the world on ABC’s dime, 2. stay in posh digs, and 3. all the booze you can drink (as there is rarely a scene on this show without it).  Hells yeah.  Bring on that cat fight.  Remind me to pack the brass knuckles.

“Open up”

The Bachelor is constantly asking the ladies to ‘open up’ and tell every detail of their lives and to be vulnerable about it.  I imagine that about once a week the contestants get pulled into a room with the producers and hear the following: spill your guts, and quickly!  You’re not doing it fast enough!  Not gutsy enough!  Must have better ratings, juicier details!  Cry me a river, damnit!  My advice: handle with care.  I’m not sure these desperate, attention-seeking ladies can turn off the crazy once the flood gates have been opened.  Whoosh.

“Will you accept this rose?”

Only if you’ll accept my methamphetamine addiction.

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4 responses

  1. I’ve never sat long enough to watch any of these shows but even if I were given the gift of time, I wouldn’t do it. I DO NOT believe than any long-term relationship can start on solid grounds if it starts on television. I think it’s a waste of my time and intelligence that they even think about putting that on the air. We have a similar TV show in Quebec that I have watched before (before kids started popping out of me!) and it was pointless. Can’t they go on America’s Got Talent and make out as a talent since that’s what they seem to be on television for? They’d have their 5 minutes of fame and be gone with it! Do we really need an hour long show every week for that?

    • Here’s the thing. I totally agree that these shows are a complete sham – they don’t cultivate real love or even the potential for a long term relationship. And yes, they reinforce gender stereotypes. Buuuut, I watch them. And I love to hate them by watching them and yelling at the tv. For me, they are my way to unwind after work. They are my mindless entertainment. The end.

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