Blogging world, please meet and welcome your newest tiny member!
His name is Dylan and he’s perfect.
I basically wrote this post in my head last night while laying wide awake in bed because I took a nap way too late in the day because we got home lateish from our first trip to Home Depot as HOMEOWNERS.
It was very exciting, but so physically taxing for this 40 week + 5 pregnant lady that I sweetly had to ask some employees if there was a place where I could sit a spell. The dude jumped into action and was like, “You stay right there” and he went and got me a chair and had me sit right where I was in the middle of the flooring aisle. He then asked if I was ok (I think he was asking if I was going to pass out or give birth or both), and I assured him that all I needed was to sit until my husband was done shopping.
He left and then came back with a bottle of water for me. How freaking kind is that! And not only that, but he came back several times to check on me, and other employees asked if I was ok as well. Never have I encountered such nice, helpful folks. Really renewed my faith in the goodness of this world into which I am about to bring a screaming, pooping lovebucket.
And that brings me to the entire point of this post:
Don’t ever ask a pregnant lady if she’s had the baby yet.
Like, not even if you word it differently. Or if she’s your best friend. Or your best friend’s Home Depot coworker.
You wanna know why?
Because, I’d think it’s safe to say, most 40-ish-week pregnant ladies would love nothing more than to just have the thing already, get to meet their screaming pile of joy, and get to reclaiming their bodies a bit. We’re exhausted. We’re cranky. We’re feeling heavy as hippos. We’re fucking done-zo.
And it’s because of that, that pregnant ladies are usually ready to squeal that they’ve given birth by SHOUTING IT FROM THE FRICKIN ROOFTOPS. You’d have to be absolutely deaf not to hear. Trust me. They’ll be inundating your Facebook feed with pictures, videos, and stool samples demanding that you agree that this baby and its poop is the cutest poopy baby who ever lived, ever.
You won’t have to ask.
And if there’s no news – THERE’S NO BABY. Say it with me.
Either that, or for some reason momma hasn’t told you because she’s simply not ready to. Maybe you’re not very close to her, and not all of her friends and family have gotten to see the baby yet. Maybe there were medical complications that momma is still dealing with and doesn’t feel like sharing.
At any rate – if the momma wanted you (yes, you) to know that baby was born, YOU’D KNOW.
You won’t have to ask.
And honestly, do you really want to ask knowing that the answer is most likely a thinly veiled, “Fuck off, the baby ain’t here yet and I hate my body and my life and omg, will this mucous ever stop leaking out of me?!“
No. Of course not. Because everyone would like to avoid talking about excess mucous.
And don’t say that you’re on pins and needles waiting for this baby as a means of justifying your need to ask. You know who’s even more anxious about it than you are? You know who wins this one? You know who doesn’t give a fuck how you feel about the baby not being here yet?
You guessed it – the momma.
So please, don’t ask. Be patient. The momma can’t plan for this, and so neither can you.
Now get this baby out of me so I can start drunkenly Facebook feed-bombing about how my baby is cuter than your baby.
I’m due today.
Well, actually, you’re due.
To come out.
We really can’t wait to meet you
Even though I feel like I know you already
You dance and hiccup and kick
And squirm your way up under my ribcage on the right side
You test the boundaries of your squishy little world
I can’t wait to show you my world
We’ve had our bags packed for weeks
We pretend to be ready, but we’re really not
Don’t worry, though, cuz we can’t wait to love you
and squish you
and pinch your little fat rolls
and sing you to sleep.
I don’t know what’s going to happen
And that’s pretty scary for me
So if you know, please tell me
Otherwise, we’ll just figure things out
as we go.
So get here soon
If you only knew the joy that is waiting for you
But then again, maybe you do
because how could you not?
So what are you waiting for
Come on out
So I can love you more
Holy crap, holy crap, holy crap
Hey everyone amazing news we actually closed on a house last week can you believe it we’re HOMEOWNERS
and not a moment too soon.
cuz immediately following getting our keys we went to the Oregon coast for the weekend to celebrate our first wedding anniversary and I can’t believe this year has gone by so freaking fast omg but the decision to go to the beach/coast was an amazing one because I am DYING IN THIS HEAT and we have to wait before we can get help to move into the new AIR CONDITIONED house which means this baby had better STAY PUT so I can labor in the house not only does it have AC, but it also has a soaking tub and a shower WITH SEATS it’s like it was made for pregnant ladies
fast forward to now where we’re moving small things everyday and waiting for the big move on Saturday and omg it’s HOT and I feel crappy that I can’t physically help pack and I have zero energy and maybe I’ll just put a few books in this box but oh I can’t do too much because what if I trigger the labor to start NOT BEFORE SATURDAY
maybe I should sit down I AM NOT MOODY SHUT THE FUCK UP
my hips hurt and I am hungry again
I am so BLESSED and I can’t believe everything is falling into place right in the nick of time and I am SO EXCITED and I still can’t believe that I am going to have a little human soon and a house this kinda makes me a real grown up now and oh crap now I’m crying
that seems to happen more often these days
my feet are swelling up again maybe I should sit down and eat something WHERE IS MY FAVORITE MUG is it packed already WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO MY LIFE
no labor til after Saturday Little Duck you stay in there til after Saturday
time for a nap.
I think it’s time to admit it – this pregnancy has turned a corner.
I’ve been getting a little moody.
Usually, I love the heat. I am a California girl, and I had been living in the central valley for the past 5 years. I’m now realizing that what made living there in the heat even remotely bearable was that AC was pretty standard in both public and private dwellings – overused, even – and because I wasn’t pregnant with an exothermic squid.
Recently, it got warmer here in Oregon than it was in my homeland, which doesn’t happen very often. And we don’t have AC in our box-filled second story oven. Result: I get a little moody, drenched in sweat, and exhausted from doing exactly nothing.
I’m starting to not see the point of clothing. Or having to get up to use the bathroom.
The heat has also been causing my normally dainty hands and feet to swell like Johnsonville brats in a beer bath on the 4th of July. In Hell.
I’ve taken to soaking my feet in ice water while doing nothing. It helps on days that end in killmenow.
Speaking of beer baths, there’s this random cooking show that comes on TV in the middle of my day spent waiting for death, and today they were concocting delicious-looking cocktails paired with mouthwatering, listeria-laden deli meats with a side of E Coli-infused hollandiase sauce. I wanted to punch someone and then put the entire contents of the show in my mouth.
In an attempt to stay alive, I’ve been trying to waddle down to our complex’s pool when it’s empty or nearly empty, which is never. The water isn’t heated, but it’s still not cold enough. Maybe next time I’ll bring down a tray of ice cubes to add to the mix.
I must say, being submerged in water feels pretty damn nice. It actually reminds me of what it must feel like to be in the womb – all safe and suspended and weightless. You’d better count your blessings while you can, Little Duck. Cuz if being expelled from my uterus is anything like me having to heave my now heavier-than-ever body out of the pool, you’re in for some hard times, my friend.
I vote for staying in that pool until my due date. It would definitely solve a number of my current issues.
Trying to sleep has been fun. If by fun, you mean setting my feet on fire, mashing my calves in an electric mixer, and pounding a mallet on my bladder. Either that, or by shoving bamboo under my rapidly-growing fingernails. Either one. You know.
The most interesting part is trying to turn my Moby Dick body over in the middle of the night without a) waking my husband, and b) falling out of bed. The process is quite simple, actually. Step one: wake up for the 1000th time to a full bladder, which isn’t really full, it’s just being squeezed down to the size of a raisin. Shove my arms against the mattress in an attempt to right myself. Try again if needed. And a third time. Waddle to bathroom, trip over the cat in the dark. Pee – in the toilet this time. Waddle back. Gently lower myself into bed onto the side of my body whose hip burns the least. Decide this side still hurts like a motherfucker (this word has gained new meaning since getting pregnant, btw), and begin the classic 8-point turn while holding up my belly with one hand, lest its dense weight slosh over before the rest of my abdomen, causing severe pain and discomfort. Lastly, gently punch unborn baby back into a reasonable position that chokes my liver, rather than my bladder. It’s not like I am using it, anyway (the liver, I mean).
So yeah, I’ve been having to waddle for quite some time. I get it now, you guys. My muscles are being stretched in ways they should only be stretched by Gomez Addams during foreplay.
And I know pregnant ladies complain about not being able to see their feet, and I suppose I get that. My abdomen has never stuck out quite this far before, even after eating a few burritos. But you know what concerns me more? I haven’t been able to establish a visual with my ladygarden for far too long. I mean, I can sense her, I know she’s there – but how is she? I can’t tend to her anymore (because god knows I am not even going to attempt to approach with anything sharp with the aid of a mirror – everything being backwards and objects larger than they appear…), and that makes me sad. She’s about to go through her biggest performance to date and she won’t even look her best (leading up to it, anyway).
I’m sorry, my dear friend. You’re on your own now. I’ll see you on the other side.
Psychos, I’ll leave you with a memento of happier times before The Fall. This was taken several weeks ago when my list of ailments was considerably shorter.
I’m feeling all the feelings, you guys.
I had a mommy friend ask me if I wanted advice. She had written a list of things she wished she had known before giving birth. I said yes, and I read it.
Then I cried.
This thing really has to come out of me. And it’s going to hurt. Like, a lot. Breastfeeding might be hard. And painful. Projectile poop really does exist. All this responsibility…
Even though I’m the type of person who always wants to know all the good and the bad stuff, it was still pretty overwhelming.
I asked myself, how am I going to handle all this?
That voice inside me shrugged and said, one day at a time.
I’m also having some feelings around body image.
My body hasn’t changed much throughout my life, with the exception of cancer and the resulting surgery. This week marks the highest weight I have ever been. I knew it was coming, of course, and I know it’s healthy and it’s supposed to happen. And I’m cool with it; it means that Little Duck is growing and my body is growing with fe. At the same time, I felt a pang when I saw the number on the scale. I’ve never been one to weigh myself, like ever, because I’ve never seen the point. But with the pregnancy, I’ve wanted to track my changes and so I’ve been weighing myself once a week.
It’s not just the number on the scale, but a combination of that plus how I look and how I feel. I’ve always been fairly petite, and sometimes it’s tough for me to see my waistline disappear. Honestly, it depends on the day. When I first started showing, I was so happy and excited. This is real! Look at me, how cute I look! I feel so special! And sometimes, a lot of the time, I still feel like that. But on the days when I feel achy and bloated, I wonder how big I’m going to get. Where is my limit? What will my body do? It’s the not knowing that can be unsettling.
What I’ve concluded is that my body is changing faster than my thoughts and emotions can catch up. And I have to keep telling myself what I already know to be true – that my body knows what it’s doing. Trust it.
Even when cancer invaded my body and I felt like it [my body] had betrayed me, it still let me know what was going on. And when I stop to think about my progress during this pregnancy so far, I realize that my body has done all the work unaided. All the medical procedures I’ve had have been purely for screening purposes. Of course, if my body needs medical help along the way, that’s all well and good, but overall, my body’s in charge. And she knows what she’s doing.
Lastly, I’ve been feeling all pent up. I really need a project (besides growing life) and what I’d really like to be doing is decorating and organizing a house, but we’re just not there yet. Not only are we not there, but we’re crammed into a one bedroom apartment with boxes stacked everywhere. I feel closed in, it feels cluttered in here, and I have no idea how we’re going to fit a baby in here, let alone all the baby crap.
I know this situation is only temporary, and our next move, if it’s not a house, will definitely be someplace bigger and quieter. We’ll only have to have the baby here for one month max, if at all.
It also doesn’t help that I am not currently working, or otherwise have something to do with my time. I’ve been looking for work half-assedly, mostly because, while I do want to be productive and useful, I don’t want the added stress of having to learn a new job, and I certainly don’t want to have to sell my soul to any job – and that’s even if anyone offers this 5 month pregnant lady a position in the first place.
I hate how the American work force – and the social service professions specifically – expect you to bend over backwords just to work. The job openings I’ve seen aren’t only full time, but the descriptions are peppered with lines like: must be able to work evenings and Saturdays, shifts subject to change with little notice, must be able to drive to multiple locations, may be exposed to clients with violent tendencies, must give up first born child to Satan, etc. I’d be hesitant to take jobs like this even if I wasn’t pregnant, and forget it now. I’m not even sure I’d want to keep a full time job after I have the baby, anyway, so that adds to my lack of enthusiasm. Don’t employers want healthy, happy, well-rounded workers who have lives outside of work? Sheesh. Jobs are just jobs, and I want one that I don’t have to be married to.
That said, I do feel incredibly fortunate that I am being supported by my husband right now. I have the privilege of having the choice to work or not, and for that I am very thankful. I also feel a bit guilty about not contributing financially to the household, and a part of me really does want to get out there and do the profession I love, but Brian totally understands my priorities and he’s supportive. I’ll keep looking for work, and if I find something that fits our needs, then awesome. If not, we’ll adjust and get by together.
So. It seems as though my theme for the moment is transition.
But, now that I think about it, am I ever really not transitioning?
You know what?
I’m in love with you, you little goober.
In a fellow mommy blogger’s post, she once mentioned that she could characterize each of her children’s behavior in utero using one word.
I think your word is playful.
Sometimes you want to play when I want to sleep.
Sometimes, when I get up to pee at night and probably wake you up, you give me a little tap, tap just to say hi.
The other day, you were tap dancing on my cervix, probably because you thought it was funny. It was not. Ouch.
It’s gotten to the point where your little drumstick limbs are strong enough that most of your kicks and punches can be seen from the outside. This means that your uterine cage fighting often upstages the TV, which is pretty impressive. I mean, the other day I was minding my own business, trying to watch
Derek Hough’s abs Dancing With The Stars, and I actually paused the TV several times just to stare at my belly. It was amazing. YOU are amazing. You already make me feel guilty for doing cardio while I am stuffing my face with Cherry Garcia. Jerk.
Today, for reasons unknown, you scrunched your entire self over into the right side of my uterus. Why?! Why would you do such a thing? Was it on a dare? Because I don’t see how that could be comfortable in the slightest; it certainly wasn’t for me. It looked like my belly was made of clay and that I had fallen down on my left side, causing the clay to squish in on the left and out at a freakishly bulbous angle on the right. It took several jabs from me to get your cute little baby ass to move back into a more respectable position. If you were playing sardines, I hope you won, cuz bravo, Little Duck, bravo. After you’ve broken out and I can’t find you, I’ll remember to look in compact spaces.
Be warned that my abdominal area is prime real estate. Later on today the cat requested napping space adjacent to your ever-expanding lofted apartment, and things must have gotten a little tense. I guess I’m going to have to teach you to share a little sooner than I thought, because you ended up kicking the cat several times in the face. Bless my furry love child, for she either didn’t notice, or didn’t care enough to give up the comfort that is my lap. I kinda wanted her to notice, though, because that shit was hilarious. I hope this is an indication that you two will become fast friends who occasionally breakdance fight each other.
I’m so excited, Little Duck. I can’t wait to meet you, for reals.
I can’t wait to see what kind of person you become, and what kind of parent you make me be.
But so far, I know that you have a wicked sense of humor, which is good. You’re going to need it.
Eleven years ago today, I had my cancer surgery.
Today’s anniversary feels very different from the rest, in a good way.
Is it because the farther away I get from it, the less it hurts? Partially.
It mostly has to do with the fact that I’m pregnant. The cloud of fear and uncertainty that has been lurking for so long has mostly lifted, and it feels wonderful. I feel like I can more fully leave my cancer behind, stop worrying about what my body can’t do, and look forward to what my body can do, what it is doing, and what that means for my future and the future of my family. I am so blessed, and I just didn’t know how much until recently.
I say the cloud has ‘mostly lifted’ because I do find myself still worrying about how after-effects of my cancer and surgery could affect my pregnancy. I suppose there’s a part of me that feels like this is too good to be true and that I shouldn’t get my hopes up, that my cancer could still rear up and kick me in the ass. I suppose it’s normal that a small amount of fear like that will never go away. And sometimes it’s hard for me to balance these continued fears and still make ample room for the joy and excitement I know that I also deserve to experience. It does help that my doctor doesn’t seem too concerned about affects from surgery affecting my pregnancy.
Overall, my worries have definitely shifted, and I am grateful for the direction in which they have shifted. After acknowledging my ever-present cancer worries and then placing them back in their box at the back of my mind, I get to worry about “normal” things now – am I taking good enough care of myself? Is the baby developing ok? Will delivery go ok? Will fe be healthy? How the heck am I going to manage to be a good parent? Etc…
I am thankful for these worries. They mean I have something amazingly wonderful to worry about.
Which reminds me about something I’ve said before – that my experience with cancer and the resulting fertility uncertainty means that I get to be even more joyful than I would have been otherwise.
Eleven years ago I experienced one of the worst days of my life, and that’s ok. It doesn’t define me, and I have allowed it to change me for the better.
Now get back in your box. You’re distracting me from my joy.
Alright, Psychos. It’s about to get a little crazier up in here.
I can barely believe it myself, but…I’m going to be a mother.
Even typing those words and then reading them back to myself was weird. A mom?! ME?!
I am incredibly thankful and blessed and in awe that my body is able to sustain a pregnancy, especially considering my medical history. When we first found out, I wanted to call up my surgeon from 11 years ago to thank him for what an amazing job he did. Not only did he make me healthy again, but he left my bits and pieces intact and working! The Little Ovary That Could. It’s because of my cancer history that I am especially not taking this for granted…except for the fact that this is all still very hard to believe for me.
I’ve pretty much always known I’ve wanted to be a mom. I kind of grew up knowing it without really realizing it, and it wasn’t until that dream was threatened that I realized how desperately I wanted it.
For the past 11 years since my surgery and the prognosis from my doctors being, and I quote, “We can’t promise anything,” I’ve stared longingly at babies in the grocery store, making faces at them as they gaze at me over their parent’s shoulder. I slowed to gawk at maternity store display windows, only to be pulled along past, wondering if I’d ever get to shop there.
We started trying for a baby quite soon after getting married because we knew we wanted to be parents and we anticipated having fertility issues. We wanted to try and not get our hopes up so that we could start fertility treatments as soon as we needed to/could because we’re not getting any younger and I was told to expect to start menopause early and my egg count was cut in half and holy crap was any of this going to work?!
Imagine our surprise and complete shock when three months in, it worked! We couldn’t believe it. I’m actually tearing up just remembering the moment. First there was pure joy (OH MY GOD!!!), then disbelief (oh…my…god…), and then sheer terror (omg…what have we done?!). Brian had just accepted a kickass new job in Oregon, and we had signed a 9 month lease on a tiny apartment, to begin in January. Doing that math means that we might have to squeeze a baby in amongst our boxes of wedding gifts we still haven’t opened. Maybe fe can sleep in the salad bowl, or perhaps the new mixer. Plus, I had just quit my job and didn’t have another lined up, and I’d need to figure out how to get relicensed in Oregon, effectively increasing our expenses while decreasing our income. Our sense of timing is just peachy sometimes. Of course, I know this will all work out in one way or another, it’s just tough standing at the bottom of a mountain and not knowing how the hell you’re going to climb to the top.
Another huge stressor for me/us was getting mysteriously dropped from Brian’s health insurance, having our coverage expire at the end of the year, and then having to scramble to get new coverage since his new job’s coverage won’t kick in until after a 90 day probationary period. Those few weeks were incredibly depressing for me, as I was unable to see a doctor to even confirm the pregnancy, let alone reassure me that everything was going well. Pair this with my relatively mild first trimester symptoms (meaning that I could hardly believe that I was actually, indeed pregnant), and I just felt like a tired, depressed wreck who cried on the phone to health insurance companies after being put on hold for 45 minutes or more.
I am happy to report that we slogged through our first month in Oregon fairly well, all considering. We now have health insurance, we had our first ultrasound, and holy crap there’s a somersaulting little guppy in there! I’m even starting to show a tiny bit, and I’m pretty sure it’s not just gas.
In conclusion, we’re still pretty shell-shocked.
We’re excited and terrified. We’re excified!
All of the above.
So we’ve been here about a week now.
Here means just outside of Portland, Oregon.
It’s been a little rough, as I expected it would be. I also suppose it hasn’t been as bad as my worst fears, so that’s something.
Brian and I both came down with the flu over Christmas (given to us by the movers who packed up our stuff), and that made for a pretty rotten holiday. We made the most of it, but we were not able to do everything we had planned, and we were forced to skip seeing loved ones for fear of getting them sick, which really sucked.
We returned to our mostly bare apartment for one night in sleeping bags so that we could rise early, grab the cat, and make the 10 hour drive to Portland all in one day.
I have a love-hate relationship with this cat, and that morning it was definitely hate. And pity, I suppose. She refused to eat any of the sedative-infused food we offered her. We had given her some a few weeks prior as a trial run, just to make sure she wasn’t allergic and to see how she would do. I can only imagine that she remembered that experience and was like, “No effing way I am doing that again, you guys.” We tried putting it in dry food. We tried hiding it in chicken. And then we tried just forcing it into her mouth and down her throat. To no avail. At this point we were behind schedule, so she got shoved into the cat carrier, hungry and unmedicated, and off we went.
Despite the struggles of the morning, Sadie (the cat) did pretty well. She howled solidly for the first 45 minutes and then would pass out for 20 minutes at a time, only to wake up and howl some more. I had to just emotionally detach myself from her in order to cope. I kept telling her, “I love you, and you are safe,” which I think was more for my benefit than for hers.
The drive up was pretty damn gorgeous, and wonderfully uneventful (the cat howling aside). We passed Shasta and saw a bit of snow in the shade in the mountains. We stopped for lunch in Ashland, which was good to check out again.
We arrived at our new place after dark and I was just exhausted. The cat was freaking out and had no bed to hide under. We unloaded most of our two cars, ordered pizza, and then passed out on an air mattress.
This is the first time I’ve ever moved somewhere and not had something waiting for me on the other side. We moved because my husband found an amazing job, which is awesome, and we are both thankful for that. As for me, I am now left with the daunting task of trying to figure out how to get relicensed in this new state and how to find a job. I know zero clinicians in Oregon, and so I am left to email perfect strangers to answer my questions. We left the warmth and sunshine of California, and I can definitely feel that tugging at my wellbeing. I wonder to myself if Oregon will ever really feel like home.
To sum up, I feel scared and sad, and somewhat stuck. I am fighting it, but the energy only comes in spurts. I am very, very thankful to have one good friend in the area I know from California, and of course my husband is there for me, as I am for him.
I don’t like moving and I don’t like change and I hate the unknown. In my moodier states, I feel like I am on a raft, just drifting aimlessly in an endless foggy sea. That just makes me want to curl up in a ball and wait until the raft bumps into something.
I guess I’d better fashion myself a friggin paddle.