Mood swings and naked babies

Hey Folks.

It’s been so long since my last post, that I really feel like I just need to post something for the sake of posting.  I’ve started to compose posts in my head only to have them fade from memory after a few hours.

The truth is, I haven’t been feeling the best.  I’ve been moody, I’ve had less energy than usual, I’ve been stressed.  I’ve had some extra responsibilities at work that I don’t normally have.  January was a very busy month in terms of wedding planning – a lot of appointments, some of which were fun, but they all take time away from normal routine and activities.  And…I am turning 30 this Sunday and then on Monday is my 10 year cancer-free anniversary.

I should feel happy, right?  I have tons to feel happy about.  I have a job that I like.  I am planning a wedding.  I have my health.  But I really just want to get in bed and pull the covers over my head.

The worst part for me, as a therapist, is that I don’t fully understand these mood swings.  I am a person who needs to know why, and I’ll ruminate until I figure it out or go crazy, whichever comes first (usually the latter).

But I totally get that I can sit in front of a client and understand what’s going on with ve.  It’s a hell of a lot harder to see with the same perspective into one’s self.

And maybe I don’t really need to know why, even though I have some good ideas.

I’m getting married, which means I am looking forward to starting a family.  After getting rid of the cancer issue, the lingering unknown was my fertility status.  I don’t have the luxury of getting to assume I’ll be able to have kids when the time comes.  Of course I don’t want to freak out until I have to, but the possibility of infertility saddens me probably more than anything in my entire life.

Needless to say, I feel extremely fragile and vulnerable right now and I am trying not to let my rapidly shifting emotions get in the way of me celebrating my birthday (which I hate is so close to Valentine’s Day, btw…impossible to get dinner reservations for an event that is far more important than a naked baby playing with sharp objects).

And now I’m off in search of some donuts.

Thanks for listening, bloggyworld.

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28 responses

  1. On Monday, I will toast to your cancer free anniversary. That is amazing and something that should be celebrated. I may have to wait until the evening to raise a glass to toast because I don’t want to be caught drinking mid-afternoon because, ya know, rumors.

  2. There is something in the air. I’d say it’s in the water but we live too far apartto be drinking the same stuff. It’s a blah, struggling, angry-feeling time of year. I speak for myself, though.
    If you encounter any naked babies with sharp objects go sit on them. They shouldn’t be running around on their own. They might poke someone and hurt them.

  3. Dude. I’ve been feeling the same way. I think I’ve been projecting my lack of control in my unemployment on everything else. But I am not a Dr. of the crazy…I am just an over-analytical non-patient.

  4. Hang in there, Lyssa. All big questions, and even with the joy of getting married, and having a job you love, it’s still a lot of work.

    I know that whatever comes up, you’ll handle it with all the charm, wit and style we always see from you.
    Rock on!

  5. You. Are. Amazing. You’ve gone through a lot and you’ve got a lot on your plate. I am not a therapist, and I’m maybe more than a tiny bit crazy. But. 30 is your year, yo. I can feel it. Keep filling your bucket, kid. You know where to find me when you need someone to play the obscure song lyric game. I’m sending you ALL THE JOY!

  6. I do the same thing: I worry when things are going well because it logically means that something hard is about to happen. It’s way fun. As someone who has been thirtying for about a year longer than you, let me just tell you that it’s about to get a little easier. There’s something kind of magical about that age. You can finally put your 20s behind you and get to be a *real* grownup. Hang in there. xoxo

  7. Yes, you do have a lot of things to feel happy about, but that doesn’t mean you have to feel happy all the time. As a former therapist, I think we feel extra pressure to “get it, all the time,” when really it just comes down to “do as I say, not as I do.” Those are a lot of of big ass life changes. As someone who is also facing big life changes, that are very similar (though quite a bit down the road from yours): big age marker, marital stuff, kid issues, and just feeling overwhelmed and stuck… again, all from a “ghost of issues future stance,” I can say: be kind and just let this pass. We’re all entitled to feel stuck for a while, to stew in our own juices. Deep breathes; an occasional glass of wine. You probably don’t need anyone to tell you all of this… but maybe you do. So, I’m saying it with kindness and understanding. As others have said it to me. And a hug for good measure.

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