On Fridays I usually take a walk from my office to the local grocery store a few blocks away to buy a sandwich for lunch, or a coffee, or both. Today I was feeling particularly antsy and restless, so the walk felt really good. Invigorating.
It’s been particularly cold here the last week or so (meaning that I’ve had to scrape ice off my car at 8:45am more mornings than not…which is cold for not-the-mountains-in-NorCal) and I packed one of my mom’s hand-knitted slouchy hats into my bag and it came in handy for the walk today.
I walk fairly fast compared to most people I know. My family was raised with German common sense and efficiency – you just gotta get there fast. Dilly-dallying is for the weak. I am The Short One at 5’6″ in a family of basketball players and giraffe lasso-ers, so I learned to pump my legs at twice the speed or be left behind to eat their dust.
Needless to say, I found myself at the grocery store in a very short amount of time. As I walked back with my delicious white chocolate mocha, I had the realization that I’ll be 30 soon. Thirty. This is the first time in my life where my age is starting to sound old, and that’s kinda scary.
This, of course, brings up a lot of existential issues, one of them being regret. I worry a lot about wasting time. Too often I find myself waiting for things, and that takes me out of the present. I wait for the weekend. I wait to get married, buy a house, have kids. Hell, some days I’m looking forward to coming home from work and I haven’t even left my apartment yet. I don’t want to live like this, and I worry about looking back on periods of my life and regretting that I didn’t do more, whatever that means.
But I suppose I really do need to figure out what that means. I’ve asked myself what it is I really want to spend my time on, and right now, I think the answer is wrapped up in three themes: I want to spend time creating, I want to spend time (and money) seeing the world, and I want to spend time cultivating relationships with people I love.
I want to invest more time and energy into writing. Could this really go somewhere? I feel like I need to give it a fair chance.
I want to set aside a place and more time to paint. I think I’ve only done two major paintings in the past 4 years or so, and that makes me sad. I have oil paints that I haven’t even learned how to use yet.
There are few places on this earth that I don’t want to see and experience. I’m pretty thrifty with my money, but I have no problem spending it on plane tickets, museum tickets, and amazing food half a world away.
The time I spend at work with clients who come to me at their lowest and in the most need has really highlighted how important friends and family are to me. There is nothing like spending time with healthy, supportive people to recharge my batteries and remind me that not everyone in the world is either a victim or a perpetrator. I’m also reminded that life doesn’t feel worth it if it’s not shared.
I also can’t wait to create a family of my own and have a relationship with little people who are half me and don’t even exist yet. This part overlaps with the first theme of creation, although I hope my future kids aren’t offended by being lumped in with blogs and watercolors. I’m sure they’ll be too screwed up to notice, at any rate.
So. Are there ways to begin working on these things now and stop waiting for them to magically happen? Absolutely.
Are there ways to stay in the present and stop waiting? Yes…This is the part where I should actually practice what I preach to my clients.
I didn’t really start out to write a new years resolutions-ish post, but I suppose I just did.
Sometimes just taking a walk in the cold can do a person a whole lot of good.